Friday, January 24, 2025

 Friday, January 24, 2025

   Yesterday, the contractor installing my neighbor's ten-foot rock wall 'accidentally' dropped a rock while I was working in that area.  I was in no physical danger.  The rock wall was a good 15 feet away and behind a chain link fence.  I believe it was meant to frighten me.  I thwarted that man from getting a job worth thousands of dollars. While his product is good, he intimidates people into hiring him.  I'm not sure if this is what my neighbor asked for or if this contractor bullied him into getting it.  The perpetrator was more successful than he anticipated.  I was fresh from dealing with the realization of how much my parents' traumas, particularly my mom's, impacted me.  She didn't recover from her traumas and passed it on to me and probably my sister, both epigenetically and through her treatment of us. Also, my sister and I carried the grief from my mother's loss of her dog when she was nine. My mother was sick for two weeks when her father had Lord put down.  

    I had Hula class today. before I went, I used the chain saw to cut the large branches from the Bismarck palm. Three fell the other day.  if I had been under the tree at the time, I would have been injured.  I planned to load them in the trash barrel and roll them down to Darby's when I got home.

   I did better in the Hula class than I had done before the break, which started right before Thanksgiving.  My arm was stronger than I expected.  However, I was developing problems with my legs.  I wasn't sure if these problems predicted greater mobility down the road or serious issues that would limit my mobility.  My left leg started buckling on me.  I'm sure it has to do with my efforts to straighten out my spine.  We'll see. My leg didn't give me any problems during the Hula class, and my left arm lasted much longer than it had before it gave out.

   Afterward, I went to the bank, deposited two checks, and exchanged two hundred dollar bills for fives and tens. When I got home, I thought I would rest.  I didn't.  Elsa and I went to visit Paulette and get Kangen water refills.  I don't know if the water works.  Melissa, my doctor friend, doesn't approve of any form of filtered water. She's a big fan of tap water, saying it provides the best supply of minerals.

   Paulette and I sit on the open lanai and talk while she throws a stuffed toy mouse to Elsa. It's really so healing to sit comfortably with a friend and chat. Our relationship becomes more and more delightful.  I felt great afterward. 

   The Grief Workshop brought difficult feelings to the surface.  That feels risky.  When they come up, I fear they will dominate me.  However, I find they're easily dissolved by a positive moment.  It's easy for me to be distracted from them and enjoy what is before me.

   I have always believed that the only way to deal with a problem is to face it head-on. I have been in therapy most of my adult life, which doesn't mean I always have the courage to do it. Unfortunately, most of the therapists I worked with did damage.  I don't know if there were any good ones out there or if I just found those who didn't know how to relate to me.  Most of them laid trips on me.  While they added to my burden, I managed to get something out of each situation.  Perhaps  I just got to act out my repetition compulsion.  They certainly reminded me of my mother, who never had anything positive to say about me.  However, my mother, while tragically misguided,  really adored me. The therapists didn't- not that they should have.    In interacting with them, I could limit the time I spent acting out with the people in my life who counted.

   I tried to load the three huge Bismarck fronds that fell the other day. The wind made it impossible. The fronds were over three feet long and across.  I decided to wait for a calmer day.

   I spoke to Yvette yesterday about the ten-foot rock wall my neighbor put up.  It's an unusually high wall.  At its lowest point, it's about four feet, and at its highest ten.  While I think it's weird, Yvette is grateful for it.  It blocks her view of the room the neighbor built in the middle of his yard.  I noticed it the other day.  My neighbor left the lights on at night. Yvette said the light was visible in their bedroom before the wall went up.  Typically, Yvette and Josh see no artificial light from their bedroom at night.  I can see a few distant yellow streetlamps from my bedroom. I consider them my nightlights. They don't bother me when I sleep. My blanket blocks the view.

    When people make an effort to define love, several definitions come up. there is the behavior of love: commitment, obligation, duty, and sacrifice. These are valuable traits to have in a relationship, but they don't include the pleasure and joy of being in that person's company. What makes for that? The dictionary defines love as intense feelings of deep affection.

   I'm viewing it from a neurological point of view.  We feel connected and joyful when our brains synchronize in harmony. That's what heaven is about.  Pictures depict angels playing harps. Music is the metaphor for harmony. The harmony I am referring to is in the brain. It doesn't require music.  It can respond to speech, movement, or a common understanding.

    Neuroscience shows how the brain activity of a group of unrelated people will synchronize when watching the same presenter or movie, particularly if they respond to the presentation in the same way.  That lovely mutual humming feeling is incredible. 

    But that resonance can happen at any frequency.  I suppose we all have our preferences.  Harmony, like oxytocin, is not always peaceful. While a mother and child can generate oxytocin, so can a marauding band out the kill.  Perhaps we should say there are limits to the frequency.  Hm! I can think of an exception even to that. people bonded in military combat develop that closeness, that deep affection which is present even when they're not engaged in an effort to kill others.