Sunday, January 19, 2025

 Sunday, January 19, 2025

 I spoke to Carol yesterday. Ours the kind of friendship where you can talk about daily events and have a wonderful time.  I have that relationship with my friend Jean.  We speak daily and always find something to talk about.  Ours is a friendship where we feel comfortable sharing the joys and sorrows of our daily lives.  I don't have that with many people.

   I spent a lot of time sleeping.  I was very stressed in anticipation of continuing contact with the leader of the grief group.   While at least three other people out of the group of seven agree with me that she is a rigid thinker, the others don't seem as reactive,  or at least they're better at keeping their mouths shut.  I'm not just uncomfortable; I'm downright terrified.  Besides my background with my mother's rigid thinking patterns and the emotional connection to the Nazis, I am overwhelmed.  I fully accept that the depth of my reaction is on me.  The leader is not a Nazi and has very little control over my life.  At worst, she can ask me to leave the group. While being overtly booted from a group is not a pleasant prospect, it does not put my life at risk. 

     Shelly, my therapist/life coach, thought I should quit rather than put myself through this trial.  I hate to quit. I didn't with my mom and was wonderfully rewarded with a soul-satisfying relationship at the end of her life.  We found a way to live peacefully with each other.  There were eruptions, but nothing that ruptured the relationship's positive aspects.  I am so grateful I had that time with her.  I am not optimistic about a similar positive resolution with this leader.

    She was speaking out of her woundedness.  Her dad was career military; her mom died in a car accident when she was eleven.  How's that for a perfect storm?!  Her presentation emphasizes not allowing others to define you, to tell you what to think and how to feel.  Then, she tells us what to think and how to feel.  If properly framed, the message could be modified to be less didactic and downright critical.

  The emphasis is on the 'myths of grief." Be strong. Time will heal.  You can replace your loss with something or someone else. Grieve alone; don't bother others.  Everyone in the group heard at least one of them from someone, said them to someone, or lived them when they experienced loss.  One of the offending comments was, "I know just how you feel. I've lost ……" According to the leader, this comment denies your feelings. It could. It could also make you feel you're not the only one who feels that way when you lose someone.    

      What the authors of this method are saying is different. While all these thoughts can help us keep going after a loss, none of them can relieve grief. To achieve relief from grief, you have to face it straight on. You have to look it right in the eye. That's different from the way this certified instructor was presenting the method.  One poor participant said," I did what my culture taught me to do.  Was I wrong?"  She's here and functioning. Sounds pretty good to me.