Wednesday, January 8, 2025

Wednesday, January 8, 2025

 

    I had a weird dream.   It was a fictional murder mystery; at least some aspect of the story was.  I guess that comes from listening to murder mysteries every day on Audible.

    Today was the first day of the Grief Recovery Program.  When I arrived, the presenter asked me if I had signed up.  Yes.  I sent her a text.  She had no record of it. She was distressed because she didn't have a copy of the book for me. I assured her it was all okay. No worries.

     I met her the day the church ministries set up tables to present their work. It wasn't a support group; it was a class. We have homework, which will lead to discussions. We will support each other as much as AA supports all its participants. That sounded like a support group. I had mixed feelings about the workshop.

   The format looked good. When we were asked to list two sources of grief, I listed the death of my father when I was fifteen and Mike's death five and a half years ago. Subsequently, the presenter mentioned there were many sources of grief. As the presenter went on, it sounded more and more like trauma work rather than anything specific to the loss of a loved one. It's basically the principle behind Buddhism, at least Vipassana. Man's suffering (grief) is caused by unresolved disappointment, wanting things we can't have, and getting things we don't want.  Buddha referred to that overlay of essential pain as craving and aversion. It's thought that this ability distinguishes us from other animals. The solution in Buddhism is to sit with physical sensations-calmly- until they change.

  Interestingly, one of the participants was a Buddhist. She found it ineffectual to help her with her grief, converted to Catholicism, and found relief.  I didn't ask her what branch of Buddhism.  Some branches concentrate on worshipping Buddha.  According to what I learned, that would be the exact opposite of what Buddha taught. Well, that's what my branch of Buddhism teaches.

    It's going to be rough for me.  The leader is not a complex thinker.  She repeats what the founders teach, which says there isn't one way to grieve, and then tells us the 'wrong' way to grieve versus her method.  I suspect she's not as open-minded as the method's founders, who have nuanced perspectives.  The group leader also is anti-intellectual. The founders had to be just that to design the program.  

    The leader told several stories directly from the program's script, describing 'anyone's' reaction to a situation. The descriptions didn't match my feelings. I was even shocked by the conclusion.  The group follows some of the same principles at AA, including confidentiality.  The first was a story about a possible violation of confidentiality.

    She asked us to imagine a scene in which we ran into a fellow participant accompanied by a friend in the grocery store. That person turned to talk to her friend while glancing back at you. The presenter said we would think the woman was talking about us. I was shocked. I had no such thought. I concluded the other person was signaling me not to approach, putting them in the uncomfortable position of introducing me, explaining the relationship, and outing her.

   The second was an example of someone telling a friend how they solved their insomnia by getting up, walking around a tree in their yard twenty times, and then getting on their knees and thanking God.  Message from the presenter: do not force your solutions on others.  I didn't see it as forcing. I saw it as offering a suggestion.   As I listened to the method, I thought of how to apply it to myself.

   The presenter's third no-no was not to hug someone when they cried.  'Everyone' perceives such an act as a cue to subpress out tears.  It certainly can be.  My mother used to touch me that way when I was upset. She had zero tolerance for my distress.  On the anniversary of Mike's death, I wept at the service in his name.  One woman supported my sorrow. Another came up and patted me, and encouraged me to cheer up.  I slipped out of her grasp.  I didn't want to be rude. Neither did I want to give up an opportunity to mourn.  It didn't come easily to me. While the presenter is correct that touch can be intended to stifle grief, it can also be physical evidence of support for that grief.  It would be if we find out who is comfortable with grief and who is not, and who would appreciate overt signs of support and who would not.

    The presenter said this would be a short session. They would usually be two hours long.  This would only be an hour.  It ended after two hours. Oh, dear. I hate to think how long the 'two-hour' sessions will be.  Also, I was deeply affected. I didn't know the homework, but I thought I would compile a list of all my unresolved losses.  The deaths were the least of them, including Mike's, however difficult that was.

    When I got home, I discovered I had left my computer there. I had brought it along to write notes, but the presenter said no electronic devices. I set it aside and then forgot about it. I made a pit stop, got back in the car, and went back to the church, hoping my computer would be there. I needed it for my two afternoon tutoring sessions.

    Elsa decided she wanted to accompany me on the trip. She hyperventilated the whole trip there. When we arrived, the dog immediately made a huge pee in the parking lot. Then as we walked back to the office, she took a small poop. Fortunately, I had a poop bag on me. 

   When I got to the office door, I realized the staff was on their lunch break and might not answer my knock. They did. I mouthed, "My computer." It was unnecessary. One of the women went to the front office and got it. Ah! 

   The woman who handed my computer to me said she wanted to talk to me. She told me that her five-year-old grandson hid her daughter-in-law's car keys.  They searched for them to no avail.  The woman said she would pray to St. Antony. The keys were found. The mother thought of asking her son where he put them.  In the silverware drawer. Where else? The mother was raised as a Jew. She promised her mother-in-law she would convert to Catholicism if the prayer worked. Okay.

   Then, the office worker asked about Mike's conversion story.  Were his parents Orthodox Jews? No, they were card-carrying Communists. Mike was Bar Mitzvahed to appease his maternal grandparents. The event turned him off to religion.

   I was going to visit with Paulette today but ran out of time after doubling back to the church to get my computer. Elsa and I missed spending time with her.

   I worked with fourth-grade GV and fourth-grade LG. They both have cognitive and psychological problems that interfere with their learning. It is impossible to be terrified of making a mistake and be a good learner. While fear can foster non-academic learning, it interferes with associative recall.   

     GV's problem is that he needs everything to make sense.  Frequently, new material doesn't make sense at first, and sometimes, the material will never make sense. The English spelling system is an example of that.  While there are patterns, and it is important to learn the relationship between the spelling and the sounds of the words, it's not entirely reliable. GV's problem is he wants it to make sense before he learns it.  I told him sometimes you have to do it the other way around.  You have to do the exercises the teacher gives you. Then, slowly, the material will start to make sense.  I asked him if that wasn't true for learning the patterns of English spelling.  He acknowledged it was.  While it still didn't make complete sense, more of it did than before he started working with me.  GV's need to have everything make sense blocks his learning.

   With LG, the block is fear.   I started with another round of the rounding exercise, having him round to the nearest, 10, 100, 1000, 10,000, and 100,000, using the same six-digit number for each exercise.  He did much better at identifying the target number and the number to the right, determining if you would 'raise the score' or 'let it rest.'  Then he had trouble remembering he had to write zeroes after the target number.  He wiggled all over the place.  I addressed the issue of fear directly.  He calmed down immediately.  I told him outright we had to address his fear. It was getting in the way of his learning.  He sat still for the next five minutes while we discussed it.  I didn't have a solution for him.  Oh, I have a bag full of solutions I've learned and developed over the years. I didn't have a clear signal of what I should use with him.  I ended the session by saying we would work on it next time. We should both think about it.  I didn't expect him to come up with a solution. It would be more likely that I would be the one to do that. But he should hold the question in his mind," What should I do to fix my fear?"  if he does that, he will be doing a great job.