Sunday, July 26, 2020

            The ground was bone dry this morning as Elsa and I took our walk.  Hurricane Douglas certainly hadn't hit us last night.  I looked for someone on my walk that could give me the latest information. I asked one woman.  She mumbled something. I realized she didn't speak English.  The second person I ran into did.  He said the hurricane had bypassed the Big Island entirely but would slam into Maui, Oahu, and Kauai.  Those of us living on the west side of the Big Island are in a sweet spot.  If it does come directly at the island, the mountains steal its power, and we don't get hit hard. Hilo, on the east side of the island, can get hit pretty badly. On the west side, we can only get hit if the hurricane passes to the south, veering around the bottom of the island, then coming up the west side. Even then, it is generally heading further west and out to sea. Again the other islands in the chain are vulnerable. 

            The man who gave me the news is Carol's husband. It was she who offered to bring me some fish if her husband caught one. Phil said they caught a 600 lb. marlin.  That was too much for them to deal with, and they let it go.

            As we were talking, Julie came along.  When I saw her the other day, she said her husband was out fishing.  I thought it odd that Carol's husband and Julie's husband were fishing on the same day.  As they talked together, it was clear that the two men had been out together. It could well be they all met while walking in the neighborhood.

            I meditated and then went down for my early morning nap. Meditating is making me very tired.  As I meditated, thoughts about people I was angry with came to mind. Some of the' offenses' were twenty years old.  I stopped and realized my anger was out looking for a target.   It was just easier to sink my teeth into my feelings about them. I think the current political situation and the virus is the cause of my anger. I'm probably more scared, and I converted it into anger. When I sat with the fear, things went much better. 

            Dorothy called just as I went down for my nap. I called her when I got up. I wanted to do some gardening, but I can't spray vinegar while talking to her.  The sprayer pump makes an annoying sound. We talked about things in general, books we were reading, medical problems, social connections.  I got down on my hands and knees while we spoke and cut out a weed growing in one of my bushes.  It reminds me of an asparagus fern. It may be an asparagus fern, but I'm not sure.  What I am sure about is it has prickly needles. I also learned that I should spend a lot more time on my hands and knees. It stretches out my glutes.

Once I was up, I went around the back of the house to get the container I use to dump the green waste.  I saw some haole koa saplings coming up.  If you don't pull them out in time, they are impossible to get rid of. No plant killer works on them. Not the strongest on the market, not Clorox or gasoline. Nothing works except pulling them out by the roots. This moment is notable because getting to them required me to walk up a short grassy knoll.  Every time in the past, when I have looked at this area, I have clearly understood that I would not make it up and back down again on my own. This time, I took it on without a thought.  Something good is going on.

            After I got off the phone with Dorothy, I called Shivani. She didn't answer but called me back shortly afterward on Facetime. That way, I can watch Sidney at play while we talk. Calling her on the phone is like an actual visit.  Life goes on. She doesn't say, "I have to go. Sidney is choking the kitten." Problems like that are dealt within the context of the conversation. Lovely. 

            Today he dumped a large container of Legos.  Shivani groaned and told him he had to pick them up. He said, "No!" She explained he had discovered free ill. He's three. He's three. Look at him; he's three.

            I finished my work on the spreadsheet detailing the Progressive Summary Sheets from 2018 to  July of 2020. Given the random increases and decreases and lack of explanation, I'm beginning to believe the accounting department is run by chimpanzees who punch numbers randomly. I sent the spreadsheet and a list of specific questions to Marissa from Progressive.  

            Damon called.  We hadn't spoken in a while. He, Cylin, and August had gone for a short vacation to a beach house in Malibu. The house was lovely, right on the beach with the water crashing on the rocks below the balcony.  The driveway was another matter.  It was short and exited right onto Pacific Coast Highway. He had to pull out into six-five to seventy mph traffic from a dead stop.  There were a few other downers, but they adjusted and enjoyed themselves. 

            Damon and I talked a bit about Mike. We both feel he is here for us. Damon told me they set the picture of Mike and me in the kitchen, where they see it every day. It radiates joy and love. 

            I told Damon how my life coach cried when she felt our love for each other.  We also spoke about his death.  The event was undramatic. It was weird.  Yvette and I were in the room, taking turns lying in bed with him.  Damon and Cylin were on Facetime from LA. Fortunately, we had two phones. When one ran out of juice, we used the other. We told some stories; I read a little.  When he took his last breath, Damon said, "No, wait. I think he's going to take another one. "and "That was it. He's gone." We packed up and left. It was nothing spectacular.  I didn't lean over and kiss him goodbye. He had left a while ago. 

            The doctors told us that they never expected him to last that long. We think he held on because he so enjoyed watching the four of us together. He cared about everyone there. I like to believe he got satisfaction believing that those kids would look out for me, and he wouldn't have to worry about me. Everything about my life with Mike was just right, including his death. 

            When he died, I remember my greatest sorrow was for the world he was leaving behind that he had so much left to give.  My second sorrow was for Mike, who loved volunteering and had so much left to give.  I have compared my loss to my niece's, Shivani, whose husband died at barely forty, two years into their marriage shortly after buying their house. It's the lost dreams that hurt. For Mike, it was his lost dream to become a spiritual director and all he had to give the parish. But in terms of our marriage, we lived in the moment. We were happy with it as it was. Not to say we weren't still works in progress. But that didn't erase the contentment we felt. Everyone once in a while, I would actually check with him. I would ask him if he was satisfied as I was.  I couldn't believe that I had managed to cocreate a life that was that easy and complete.

______ ____ _____

Musings:

 

              Hospitals aren't sued when they tell the truth.

            Statistics show that hospitals are not sued if they apologize for mistakes and explain what happened. We have a greater need to know than we need revenge or compensation.

 

             

____ ____ _____

Musings:

 

Finished A Very Short Introduction to Hobbes:

            I was familiar with Hobbes from when I was a child.  No, I didn't study him or read any of his work.  For some reason, this is one of the topics my father brought up.   I knew that Hobbes wrote the Leviathan and proposed that people agreed to submit their absolute freedom to civil authority, so we all get protection from each other. 

            As it winds up, Hobbes believed that it was the sovereign's job to define morality. Whatever he said, I'm sure it was a he, went.   He believed in absolute rule. He had one exception: every man had a right to fight for his own survival.

            Two problems with his theory: one, he assumes an absolute ruler has his own sh-t together.  He forgot that absolute power corrupts absolutely. Therefore, the best sovereign can be corrupted by his own success. Second, people define their 'survival' differently. Some define it physically.  However, many people define their right to 'survive' more broadly.  The slave owners of the antebellum south defined 'survival' as having to do with their lifestyle.  Those who argue for preserving their elite lifestyle as related to their physical survival are not entirely wrong.  The wealthy do have better access to food and medical care, not to mention housing and police protection.  How much do we need before our physical survival is at stake?    

Saturday, July 25, 2020

             After driveway yoga, Elsa and I did some more walking. I didn't do too much. I am learning to use my right leg more.  My right inner thigh started to complain. Fantastic! This means I'm onto something new. I meditated and napped. 

            Then I sat down to fill in the spreadsheet for the Progressive Premium payments since 2018. Those premiums went up and down. There was little consistency from one period to another. I suspect now that the stonewalling I got from the agents results from not wanting to deal with this confusion.  It took me hours of work. Of course, I didn't know what I was looking for. There may be a claim in there. If not, I can make a complaint to the state insurance agency. 

            Saturday is my NPR shows. I spent most of the day doing housecleaning as I listened.  I didn't get any work done on the article, but I did generate a way of getting that conclusion written.  I will write the rough draft in an angry, impatient voice – and then revise it.

            My friend from my time in Ohio let me know she was going home after a month in the hospital. She was suffering from severe diarrhea, and several organs were going the way of all flesh.  No one knew what the problem was.  They figured it out yesterday: it was her blood medication that was causing all these problems.  

            So many people couldn't be happier to take medications.  My Mike was that way.  It is possible that the medications he took for years and years and years caused his kidney failure and his pancreatitis. No, I'm not angry at him. I followed my own path, and sometimes, it backfired. I have harmed myself while trying to do good. For my part, I'd rather go down following my own path than follow advice I'm not comfortable with.  

            Recently my doctor put me on statins. Other doctors have tried before. I agreed to take a low dosage.  What I discovered was that the medication made me feel weird. It did something to my muscles.   When I told Dorothy about it, she told me that she had the same medication reaction. She said she'd rather die earlier than suffer on the medication.

Friday, July 24, 2020

          

            I was able to get good videos of our local pheasants this morning. There was one group that had a least four babies.  It was hard to tell because they are all brown. When they are grown, it is only the females who are brown. The males are black with some grey or white feathers and some red markings on their faces. 

            We also ran into Laurie, who has developed a crush on Elsa- her words.  I got a video of her holding her to send to family, devotees of Elsa. 

            I meditated before I did much else. When I was through with that, I was tired and napped. I set my alarm for 10:40 because I wanted to get up and shower before Kai called. Kai is the fellow who bought my Prius last Saturday. Because I had an Ohio title instead of one from Hawaii, we decided that I should go to the DMV with him if there were problems.

            He texted me to tell me he was at the DMV and had received a number. That was my cue to head down there. I still had a long wait time. Our number was M521.  The M numbers called went  M125, M111, M 543, M 325, etc.  They were all over the map. There was no logic to the sequence. We had no way of knowing when we might be called. I got a good amount of reading done. When it was called. I told Kai to go on ahead of me.  It took me a minute to get my hip in gear. 

            The last time I was at the DMV, I walked straight to the assigned window without the Covid quiz. Today, I was stopped by someone as I entered who asked me if I had a number, told me to sanitize my hands, and took my temperature.  This was quite an improvement. The DMV hasn't entirely caught up to Target, Safeway, and Costco, but things are certainly better.

            I stood back from Kai, who was standing at the window. The clerk finally looked at me and asked me if I was waiting for something.  (Note how polite and nonconfrontational. Ah!) I explained I was the seller.  I had come along with him because we anticipated there might be a problem with the Ohio title.  She asked me if I had a picture ID.  I gave her my driver's license. She took it somewhere. As I think about it now, she probably Xeroxed it.  After she did that, I asked if she still needed me. She said no, and I left.

            As I walked back to the car, sadness hit. Another piece of my shared life with Mike was gone. I 'sat with it' while I walked.  Our shared life on this earth may be gone, but my share 'whatever it was' is not. When I focus on him, I can feel his love for me and my love for him. Ah! That's what our life together was all about. How lucky was I!

            The book I read while waiting was boring, mostly because I am very familiar with the ideas.  I generally read every word diligently.  I started just skimming the text. I assumed that it would jump out if something was interesting to me, and I could read that passage in more detail.

            I headed off to the UPS store to return a book to Amazon I double ordered.  When I parked, I noticed that I was too close to the parking space's left-hand side.  I hoped that someone would take my bad parking into consideration and not use the spot next to me. When I came out, there was another Kia parked too close for me to be able to get into the car door.  I went to all the shops on that side of the strip mall.  I finally found the driver in the nail shop.  Someone thought to comment about my lousy parking job, but not the woman in the other Kia.

            I went to Safeway next to pick up a few things.  I bought two Regular sized Hersey's Milk Chocolate Bar with almonds.  I was shocked at the price as I checked out, $1.67. They're usually $1.21 on the high side and never more than $.90 at Safeway.  I wonder if this is the new normal. 

            When I got home, I unloaded the food, plugged in the car to recharge it, hung up the laundry I put in the wash before I left, and called Geico to drop my Prius from my car insurance.  The second car is much cheaper with Geico than the first. I also asked if there would be a discount on my auto insurance if I got renter's insurance. She said yes, there would be a discount, but there was a moratorium on new renter's insurance until Wednesday because of the hurricane.  Apparently, there is a rush to get property insurance right before a storm.  My guess is the same people then cancel their coverage after the storm has passed.

            I wanted to get writing done on the article today but didn't. Neither did I do more work on tabulating Progressive's premium's ups and downs.  When I wrote them all down in chronological order, the amount goes up and down like an irregular heartbeat.  I am rethinking the reason the Progressive agents dissed me.  They know how complex the problem is. I planned to create a spreadsheet with all the data; then ask specific questions about why the premiums went up or down at a specific time.  All the confusion may not be outright corruption, just incompetence.

            Yvette brought the mail in. There was one letter for Mike from a local office.  It was a bill for a therapist's appointment he missed on February 2, 2019.  At that point, he was in the ICU and intubated. I called and left a message asking if the missed appointment fee could be forgiven.

            My alarm went off at 5 pm. I went out and stopped charging the car. Five pm is the latest we can be sure to get enough sun to power the solar panels, so it costs nothing to charge the car.  I have an hour and a half to go before the battery is fully charged. I'll complete that tomorrow. While I was out there, I moved my car to the graveled area so the driveway was clear for tomorrow's yoga. 

Thursday, July 23, 2020

            Elsa and I were up and out early this morning. The sun was nowhere in sight. It was cool. My sweatshirt was a welcome cover. I ran into any number of fellow walkers today. Carol came down the hill with her little schnauzer off-leash. He ran over to Elsa and sniffed away.  She sat down and covered her privates. This was a 'me-too moment.  Carol told me that her husband was out fishing.  Did I want some if they caught anything?  Yes. She said she would drop it off. As I approached my house, Julie, who lives on a cross street, told me that her husband was also out fishing this morning. She asked me about the farm next door.  She wanted to order food from them but didn't' have the contact information.  I had to move on because I had yoga this morning. I went in and fed Elsa before I went out to get a few more steps in before it was time for yoga.

            As I approached the closed gate, Scott was holding Elsa up so we could see each other. I took a shot to send to the family on the mainland. They're Elsa fans.  There were only three students today again. More had said they were planning to come but backed out. I spent most of the time lying down, modifying Yvette's directions to my position. After class, she told me I was looking much better, straighter.  Pushing my tight muscles causes pain, but, as usual, afterward, I am better off.

            When I came inside, I checked my email and read the latest output of Quora Digest. It's a gossip column; shame on me. I'm mostly following posts about the British royals. I'm getting sick of information about Meagan and Harry, but Queen Elizabeth becomes more and more enjoyable. She is understated and subtle. Apparently, she has a great sense of humor. 

            There's a story of someone who came up to her and told her how much she looked like the Queen. Elizabeth's response, "That's good." On another occasion, someone came up and asked her if she had ever met the Queen.  She said, "No, but he has," pointing to her bodyguard. She has a wicked sense of humor. There are lots of shots of her laughing. How great is that! Getting to know her better is a balm for my aching insides when looking at the worldwide political situation.

            I called my friend Melissa with a follow-up question from yesterday.  I had heard that someone was afraid that her baby would be taken away from her if she had Covid. That freaked me out on two counts.  One if it's true and second that anyone is that paranoid.  Melissa is an OBGYN surgeon who travels to Australia, among other places, to deliver babies for free.  I asked her if there was any truth to this fear. She told me that babies are sometimes removed from their mothers if the mother is deadly ill, on a respirator.  The baby is given to another family member if such a person is available. It sounded like the mother would have to be close to unconscious because of the seriousness of her illness. Their milk quality couldn't be very good, and it would seriously drain the mother of whatever energy she had left.  I can imagine mothers who would still want to nurse, even knowing that they were putting their own lives at serious risk.  I assume it would be up to the other family members if the mother couldn't make that decision. I felt better about the current situation. We are not up to a point yet where we are forced to do things that affect our own lives and our children's lives – unless, of course, you are an immigrant. I suppose if the government is prepared to treat immigrants that way, can the rest of us be far behind?

            I alternated between working on my article about my reading method and going through all the papers Marissa had emailed from Progressive.  After going through them, I can imagine that people dismissed my questions because the answers are difficult to ferret out.  The premiums go up and down without any logic or any attempt to explain them. The premiums change, and it clearly says in one section where it says there is no change. Very confusing.  I will put all the information on a spreadsheet so I can easily follow the ups and downs. Some of the ups may just be because of rate hikes, but that's not stated in the premium notice. Sometimes a rate hike or decrease is noted, but it doesn't match the premium amounts. No wonder no one wanted to answer my questions. 

            I had charged the Kia, my electric car, up till five pm yesterday when the solar panels no longer get enough direct light to charge for free.  I plugged the car in again today to finish the charging.  Up till this point, the full charge registered at 24 units. Today it registered at 26 units. It's not 26 miles in a strict sense. I'll figure it out over time. It does seem that the car uses less energy as it gets broken in. It's interesting to follow.

            Judy called.  Her son Matt has been working for several years on writing a musical. They have finally put together a presentation to pitch to producers. She is going to send me the pitch.  It sounds like nothing I have seen him do before. She also told me Adam is feeling better. It started with Jazzy having a sore throat and a temperature. As she got better, he got sick.  But both are doing better now.

            Damon called.  He, Cylin, and August had taken a four-day vacation at a beach house in Malibu. He went through the plusses and minuses.  The biggest problem was the house was right on the Pacific Coast Highway.  The house had a short driveway.  They had to go from a dead stop to over sixty miles an hour to get out of the driveway. Yikes! That was scary.  I always wondered about those homes. It seemed that the noise from the highway would be bothersome.  Damon said it was quiet once you were in the house.  They only heard the sound of the waves crashing beneath their balcony.

            On my walk this evening, I had an encounter with the sidewalk Nazi. I was walking in the street, facing oncoming traffic. When this car turned onto the street, I was almost at the top of Nehiwa. I pulled Elsa over.  We were both standing on the grass, well off the street. The driver of the truck stopped and pointed frantically toward the house on the top of the block. I got that he was angry, but I couldn't figure out what he was about for the life of me.  Then I remembered that young woman I passed one night who was upset because someone had yelled at her for not walking on the sidewalk.  Everyone walks in the street here. The road is all of two blocks long. It is rare to have two cars on the street simultaneously, no less one going in each direction. I think I will call the police department to see if this man has a right to bully walkers- or for that matter, run us over.     

_____ _____ ____

Musings:

 

            Shivani posted a video on Facebook showing two men passing out free face masks to people out on a seaside walkway in California.  This one couple was sitting there without masks. They said they didn't need them because they were going to heaven and asked the young men," Where are you going."

            I find it interesting that many of these folks insist that their civil liberties are under attack if someone forces them to wear masks. Are these the people who think that same-sex couples shouldn't be allowed to marry? Actually, I heard today a Baptist pastor proposed a solution to the homosexual problem: take them all out and shoot them.  I don't know if he also claims that the government he says should do the 'right thing' and kill them all also has no right to make him wear a mask.

            Wearing a mask is not just for our protection; it is for the protection of others. It's up there with driving while drunk.  You may be able to drive home safely and not kill someone; then again, you may not.  Any of us may walk safely among others and cause no harm; on the other hand, we may not. We may be personally responsible for the death of another person. I find logical inconsistencies in the thinking of those who take an extreme position. 

            Everyone has a right to put their money on the horse of their choice.  But some people believe those who disagree with and support their positions are evil.  And those who do support their cherished positions are, by definition, good.  This is hard for me. 

Wednesday, July 22, 2020

 

The debate about opening schools continues. I repeat my only definitive opinion: thank God the decision doesn't rest in my hands.  I can see positive and negative consequences with all decisions.  

            I printed out the Progressive statements from 2018 to July 2020 that Marissa, the Progressive agent I have been working with, sent me.  Besides the regular summary statements that come every six months, I have any number that came in between. Now have to calculate where the changes came in and why. I also called National Car Rental today and got a copy of the accident summary for Mike's accident in November 2018.  It doesn't give Mike's name, but it uses the word 'he' repeatedly to describe what happened.  Whatever else has happened in my lifetime, I have been spared that confusion in my sexual identity. I am a clear unadulterated 'she.' Whenever I spoke to Progressive to ask them why the premium amount wasn't reduced when I took Mike off the account, they gave me some bullshit about being in an accident. Yes, but what is the likelihood of him having another one after he had been dead for several months? It's the illogic that drives me crazy. They create facts to fit the story. It is top-down reasoning that excludes any form of logic. I think this is what 'the alternative truth' looks like.  I don't devalue top-down reasoning, but not when it is totally contradicted by facts. 

            When I shopped at Costco, they had everything on my list except the almond milk I like. I  bought asparagus on an impulse.  I don't know if I can eat that much of it and still like it. We'll see.  Some of it will probably go to waste. This is the problem of being a single-person household. I wandered up and down the refrigerator and freezer aisles to see what is available.  The problem is that I have to buy without knowing if I will like it, and it is always a quantity appropriate for a family of ten.  I could be in the same situation I am in now with my salmon patties. They looked good, but I don't like the taste.  I will try doctoring them the way John Z recommended, mayonnaise and lemon juice, and maybe a slice of sweet onion.  If that doesn't work, I'll experiment. 

            My new electric car used 15 electrical units to drive 12 miles. Huh? There is no way Costco is 12 miles from my home. One way, maybe six. I'm going to have to monitor the end trip reports.  

            I had a session with Shelly. I worked on acceptance of the current world situation: grief over what is becoming of my country, acceptance that we are heading for a totalitarian state, one way or another. I will write more of my thoughts under musings. Shelly could feel Mike's love for me and was deeply moved. Maybe that's why I'm doing so well because I  can feel his love for me. When I focus on it, I can feel it more than when I don't.  It fills my heart.  While I feel it at all times, I have to pay attention to get the full effect. It was easier when he was alive. He was right here.  I didn't have to remember that he was here. All I had to do was look up or wait for his phone call. His hugs and kisses were the absolute best. I know how lucky I have been to have had a partner that I loved and who loved me. But then again, how am I defining love. 

            Love is different for everyone. For us, it was an energetic merging that filled our hearts and left us deeply satisfied, and allowed us to both be separate individuals at the same time. We each grew in our own way.  We supported each other.  Mike supported my choices even if he couldn't cope with some of them.  He never thought they were actually bad choices, harmful for me or anyone else, just a little too risky for his taste.

____ ___ ___

Musings:

            On the coming totalitarianism. 

            Oh, dear.  I see it as a tsunami that is just coming.  If it were just in the US, I wouldn't be so overwhelmed. But I'm hearing it coming from all over the world. On a good note: I hear Grassroot movements moving in the opposite direction. We're living in 'interesting times.' 

            I believe this move to conservatism, returning to a simpler time, is a result of globalism.  No, I am not afraid of a single global leader imposing a rigid dictatorship.  But I do think that the rapid rate of change in my lifetime has been too much for many people. 

People want a secure knowledge of the rightness of their being.  They want to know that the way they live, what they believe, is beyond question.  People want to believe that they represent the 'norm' for humanity.

            I remember an anthropology teacher telling us that for primitive tribes, the word for human is the same as the word for their tribal name. That means that anyone who wasn't a member of their tribe wasn't human. Their lives didn't matter. Sound familiar? 

            These rapid transitions challenge who we are, forcing us to deal with people of other religions and other cultures.  Some people were raised with people of some other identity than they are used to. They found some way of incorporating associating with this other group into their concept of self. But the rapid influx of immigrants due to dramatic changes in their own lands caused by war or climate change or marauding gangs is overwhelming people.  Besides the problems caused by immigration, there is the Internet, which eliminates the protection of distance from the other.  We are all walking side by side.  

            There's a book out called White Fragility, which discusses the challenge to white egos to have to reconsider their white privilege as something other than a given, something they get because they are 'deserving' instead of just 'white.' We're being challenged, left, and right.

            It is hard on the nerves.  Many want to contract into a smaller space, the space they used to live in—a great idea but no longer an option. We've brought this on ourselves with our technological advances.  To return to our simpler life, we'd have to give it up and retreat to a time before TV, if not before commercial air flight  I think we might be able to keep our local telephone companies, but I don't think much more than that.

            Our intelligence is destroying us.

Tuesday, July 21, 2020

             Driveway yoga day.  I got up shortly after 5:30.  It was so cold this morning I could have done with a pair of gloves.  I got some great videos of our neighborhood wildlife, primarily turkeys.  I make them daily and send them to my great-nephew Sidney in CA.  I understand they're a hit with him.  I experienced something new in yoga.  I got more flexion in my left hip.  I was able to sit at the edge of the chair and be straight.  Whatever, yoga is always calming.  I need it.

            I got a text during the class but ignored it. Yvette asked me to turn off the sound so it didn't disturb others. I'm good at ignoring my phone.  I suspect others don't do as well as I do. I lived in a commune. The phone could be for anyone of twelve people.  Letting phones just ring and ring was a survival skill. ( This was in the 70s. Well before the invention of cell phones.)

            When class was over, I read the text. It was my friend from Ohio. I hadn't spoken to her for a while and called the other day. I got a message back that she was very sick and couldn't talk at that time. I wished her well. Today she told me that she had been in the hospital for a month already. There were plans for her to go home Tuesday. Today I got an update; it had been changed for Thursday.  She gave me some details. It's not the virus, but she is incredibly ill. Her body was shutting down.

            Jean called to tell me the New Jersey and New York had shut their borders to visitors. Anyone coming to stay has to observe a two-week quarantine. Jean and I spoke the other day about how to deal with visitors. Jean's husband's daughter was planning to come up from Richmond, VA, to stay with a friend and visit her parents.  Jean and John both have health issues. Jean was adamant that his daughter and grandson should not visit.  They weren't going to come into the house. There is a lovely open porch at the front of their house.  John was going to meet them there.  It seemed reasonable to me if they were all masked and sitting at appropriate distances.  Jean was still nervous about it.  The decision was taken out of everyone's hands with this state order.  

            Marissa from Progressive called me back. The other day, she told me her parents were ill, and she had to take care of her one-and-a-half-year-old son. Today, she told me that her parents both had Covid.  Her mother is in her late sixties and her step-dad in his seventies. This is not good. I told her what I had learned from the State Insurance Department.  Auto insurance companies can raise rates if a driver has been in an accident, even if there is no claim against the said insurance company.

            I spent most of the day struggling with the article I'm writing. I can see that I have lost whole chunks of material that I had written already and liked.  This is very upsetting.  I called Dorothy to get some comfort.  It was late for her already. She had a doctor's appointment the next day.  She talked excitedly about this student she is tutoring for SAT prep. She is having a blast. Dorothy is a fantastic student and found the verbal part of the practice tests difficult. She wondered how she did so well when she was younger.  I am thinking maybe she hasn't maintained the skills she needs.  Tutoring this child serves as a refresher course.  She says the passages require very close reading. 

            She talked about a passage that was adapted from Watson and Crick about DNA. There are several unfamiliar terms. It's interesting. For the purpose of reading comprehension, the reader doesn't have to know what the words mean.  When reading for understanding, you only have to understand the relationship between the objects well enough to understand the passage.  Learning about the structure of DNA is different than learning to understand an article about the subject. In this case, understanding the role of the function words is more important than knowing the vocabulary.  The function words, of, and, to,, by, for, etc., tell us about the relationship between the words. 

            Sandor told me that he took a speed reading course.  He was told the trick was to only read the context words, nouns, verbs, adverbs, and adjectives.  That works when you are already familiar with the material, like a novel. We are all familiar with the relationships between characters; therefore, we can infer the information provided without the function words.

            I continued my indoor walking. I had completed 5,000 steps before my before dinner walk. After dinner, I wanted to watch "A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood." Amazon found it for me. It was carried by some company I never heard of. It wasn't for rent, only for sale.  I didn't want to pay $16 for a movie I would watch only once. Thank you anyway.

___ ___ ____

Musings:

            I was faced with upsetting realizations yesterday about the political situation.  I learned that people will support a dictatorship under Trump; they will support whatever he says. They are afraid of a dictatorship under Islamic rule.  So far, I have heard many cries from the right about anarchists, Marxists, and Communists. So far, I have heard nothing about Muslims being behind the protests.

            Can I believe that there are Muslims out there who are plotting to take over the US and force everyone to convert? Sure. I can also believe there are Christians who want a dictatorship in the name of their religious values and want everyone to be Christian and follow their form of Christianity.  You name the group; I believe a faction dreams of absolute rule over the US. Let's add China and Russia to the list. I am not less afraid of one versus another. They all sound horrible to me. None of these extreme forms of politics represents a world I would want to live in. All of them are based on the exclusion of some other group, demonizing the others.  Do I believe there are demons among each group? Yes. 

            What I look at is which group is surging forward. It's like watching a race, watching one horse gain a lead, and then another pull up and overtake it.  I don't see Islamic forces in the front of the pack.  My horse looks for the narrow way between protecting the rights of others as well as mine. I see it nowhere in the current power structure.

            Some claim it is a violation of their civil liberties to have to wear a mask.  These people potentially put the lives of others at risk. They are prepared to cause others' death on the strength of their beliefs, political and religious. 

            I bet these same people judge a mother who does drugs while pregnant as a criminal because of the potential harm to her child.  How is it that a group can be so hypocritical?  If it is their right to put others' lives in danger, why isn't it all right for this woman to do what she wants and put her unborn child in danger?   Is my adult life worth less than the life of an unborn child?  To boot, there are people under 60 dying of this disease. If you want to blow off my life's value because I'm old, I can relate. But it isn't just the life of the elderly that is at stake.

Monday, July 20, 2020

            I went to bed around 11; that's late for me, but I knew I could sleep late in the morning.  I have a remarkable capacity to ignore the alarm clock when I know it doesn't ring for me. I was up by 6:30. I took Elsa for a short walk because her leg was still bothering her. I meditated for 40 minutes when I got home. When finished, I took another look at Elsa's leg.  I can't find the source of pain.  She doesn't pull away when poked and prodded.  However, her limp doesn't look any better today than it did yesterday.

            What does look better is her skin! Wow! I gave her a bath on Sunday.  I always use the medicated shampoo the doctor prescribed on her torso and legs. The treatment calls to leave the shampoo on for fifteen minutes. He said, take her for a walk. I couldn't imagine taking her for a walk while she was coated with shampoo.  Sounded horrible- for her. One of the Pet Co. groomers told me five minutes should be enough for a small dog like her. That's what I've done in the past: five minutes. This time when I bathed her, I did closer to ten. Voila!  It looks like the longer wait time makes a big difference.  I bought another package of Science Diet for her when she had her dental treatment, thinking Doctor Marty's food wasn't doing the trick with her skin.  Science Diet is really very scientific; it's all chemicals.   If I can control her allergic reactions with bathing, I prefer that.

            After I poked her leg for a while, I let her stay curled up in my arms, hanging on a  shoulder. The two of us sat that way for what must have been a good half hour.  It was very calming, delightful. As she lay there, I did some Micromoves on her left leg. After a while, her leg was stronger. She was able to push her foot into my hand.

            I called the police reports office to get Adam's accident report from February 2019. There was no answer, not even an automatic one where I could dial the extension. I gave up for a while and worked on the updates. I had to nap after finishing one because my eyes were tired.  Working on electronic equipment during the day is hard on my eyes because of the ambient light. I  find reading at night with a single light source easier. I wonder if people become night owls because of eye problems.

            I emailed the July 17 update to my in-crowd. (Those of you who are reading the actual blog are exactly one year behind. I do send current updates to about fifty people who have been following me from the beginning.) Then I went down for my two-hour midday nap.  Judy called while I was sleeping. My phone announced her as the caller, but I was too tired to move. We'll speak to each other in the foreseeable future.

            I tried calling the police record department again. This time I just let it ring as I prepared my morning smoothie. What do you know, after about three minutes of ringing, the phone went dead.  I was doing something else and didn't bother to turn the phone off. Ten to fifteen seconds later, an automated voice came on telling me to dial my extension if I knew it.  Next, I was speaking to a human in the records department. Adam has to order it himself. I, as his hanai mother, could not do it for him.  I thought I could order another emailed version. I thought giving Adam's email address would suffice. But no.  They only issue hard copies. They put the request into Hilo, and they will send the report to his home or to the Kona Police Department. 

            I called Judy back.  We had a long discussion of nature versus nurture.  She talks about traits being part of someone's nature.  For instance, her daughter-in-law feels blessed to have her disabled son.  They see him as a protecting angel.  Other parents would see him as a source of shame. Judy pointed out that in many cultures, disabled children are hidden to protect the family's reputation. Having a disabled child says something negative about them. Judy argues that it is Jazzy's nature to be loving, which she is.  

            I don't think about a person's nature that way.  I think we all want to be loving and loved people, excluding sociopaths.  I think more in terms of human nature than a person's individual nature. Judy says my drive to understand, unpack, something like the nature of love is in my nature. I say I was trained to do it.  

            My father loved it when I thought that way.  It thrilled him.  Having that positive effect on him was a reward for me. Therefore I sought to get the same effect. With trial and error and I learned to hit the mark.  Of course, I overdid it, and I was sometimes most annoying. But I was desperate for some positive feedback given my mother's constant negative feedback.  I think I internalized that positive sensation.  I love figuring out why something is the way it is and how it can be changed for the better.

            At the basic level,  I don't know if our positions are remarkably different. I think we both ask what drives this person, their strengths and weaknesses, what they want to accomplish within the realm of reality and morality, and how can I help them achieve it?  Do I help them by giving them direct aid, or do I help them by helping them learn to be different? I'm not going to claim that there is no such thing as a natural temperament and a natural way a particular person is. It just isn't relevant to me. I'm an educator. I work to figure out how to help someone be other than what they are, if it is a small thing, like how to form the letter A when writing, or a big thing, like how to become a better person. 

            I walked 6,000 steps before dinner after having completed only 3,000 on the morning walk. I spent the rest of the day walking up and down my hallway many times. I also did calf stretches using the one and only step in my house.  I braced the balls of my feet against the step and bent m my knee.   I have tried exercises to stretch my calves before, but it didn't feel right.  Now, it feels perfect.  I get a good stretch without cramping. While I experienced a sharp pain in my hip over the last week, it is now gone. Moreover, my hip is less stiff when standing up after sitting for a while. 

______ ________ __________

Musings:

 On the topic of Righteous Anger.

            Righteous anger feels good.  While it flows freely, but is it truly righteous?  I have a clear image of a white man beating a black man who didn't step off the curb fast enough when he was walking down the street. I am reasonably sure that the white man thought his response was righteous. 

            That white man in the above example had the support of his social group and the law. Did that make his behavior okay? Well, it was then.  He was beating back the destruction of his culture, the order of his world.  Is that a valid ground for brutally attacking another human being? Again, at the time it happened, that man had the complete support of everyone in power. 

            Now we have protestors.  They are expressing righteous anger. They are outraged by the policemen's treatment of minority groups. I say their cause is righteous. I believe in the equality of all human beings and, for that matter, better treatment of the animals in our care that are part of our food supply. However, are all actions motivated by righteous anger appropriate. Are these protestors right to destroy property to make their point?  

            I prefer the demonstration style of the Afro-Americans in the sixties, Gandhi's model.  It gives no quarter to the enforcers to claim that protesters are violent and dangerous.  When the protestors actually get violent, I think they undermine their cause. I think there is much more power in a peaceful protest. The Afro-American protestors' willingness to suffer without raising a hand shocked the sleeping white population into seeing what was really happening to Afro-Americans in this country. There could be no argument that the police violence was justified because of the protestors' violent behavior.  The only violence the protestors were guilty of is the destruction of the belief that Afro-Americans had no rights.

Sunday, July 19, 2020

            I got up around 6 am without the assistance of an alarm clock.  Elsa was still limping; I just took her out for a short walk before taking her home, fed her breakfast, and headed out again to continue my walk. I got a text from Yvette saying that I had to change my Sunday routine. Elsa was barking non-stop.  I headed home immediately.  It was just as well. My left thigh was bothering me. Yvette was sitting in my house to keep her quiet.  

            Interesting.  Elsa only barks when I leave to walk, not when I go by car.  I explained to Yvette why I had left her home. She checked her leg to see if she could find the cause of her limp. She found the same thing I did- nothing.  She doesn’t respond when poked and prodded.  

            Yvette said that Elsa’s barking woke her up. Elsa was as far away from her side of the house as she could be. I suspect that Yvette is supersensitive to the sound of barking dogs. Josh has told me that when their dogs bark in the night, Yvette will whistle in her sleep to signal them to shut up.  Her dogs respond to that signal.  Elsa didn’t and therefore woke her up.  

            I spoke to Dorothy several times today as thoughts came to mind.  I love how our relationship is growing. The plan was that she was going to edit my revised version of my article this coming week.  I put off working on it as long as I could. Finally, I went through it again. When I came to an end, there was no conclusion.  I had written one last week.   There were some good lines in it, and now they were gone. I checked all the old versions, nothing. I have no idea what I did with it.  I will have to start from scratch.  Damn!

            I did most of my walking up and down the hallway.  I used my walking stick to relieve some of the pressure while still shifting my weight to the left leg.  Then later in the day, my leg felt better than ever. It wasn’t even tight immediately after standing after sitting or quite a while. 

 

________ _________ ______

Musings:

 

            I finally found an example of a cop who killed a white man with little provocation.  It’s an old case.  My sister knew about it. I didn’t because I haven’t watched the news for years.

            This is not a typical case.  It was a retired cop. As far as I’m concerned, aside from that, the pattern is the same.  The cops feel entitled to kill someone when they are dissed.  

            In this case, the victim was a 48-year-old white man who was texting as a movie started after the turn-off the cell phone announcement was made. The report said he was texting the babysitter. The retired cop wouldn’t cut him some slack. I assume the 48-year-old man didn’t handle the situation well. He didn’t say, “Sorry, I’ll be done in a minute. I just want to text my babysitter.” Instead, he said something like, “F--   you!” As the retired cop persisted, the man threw popcorn at him. The former cop pulled out a gun and shot him right there in the movie theater. 

            I couldn’t find out what happened to the retired policeman. What I did learn was that he was claiming self-defense. It was either his life or the other guy’s. Really??? Florida has a stand your ground law, which makes this defense possible.   

Saturday, July 18, 2020

            When I woke up at 1 am this morning, I was wide awake. This was most unusual. I get up several times throughout the night to pee. When I get back in bed, I’m out like a light. I sleep very well.  Tonight, I was wide awake. I considered getting up when I noticed that my left glute was itching. Itching? That signals changes in the fascia. I did some manual work on it. I did some tennis ball work on the muscles on the left side of my back. Then I fell asleep again. 

            Yoga day. I got up latish at 6 am instead of 5:30.  It made no difference. I couldn’t walk the entire 6,000 this morning anyway.  As I get straighter, my inner thigh muscle, otherwise known as Michael’s muscle, because he was the one who injured it, was bothering me.   After yoga, I asked Yvette if she could see that I was straighter. She gave an appreciative yes. 

            There were only three of us again for yoga this morning.  I know some of the others are coming back. Two of the participants work at My Bar. They’re up late, and coming to an early morning class doesn’t work now that the bar is open again.  

            I heard Yvette yell at Elsa while we were doing yoga. I couldn’t see her. I thought she was heading for the fence to confront the dogs next door. No. She had pooped and then was licking it. She has never done that before.  Yesterday, I gave her a little liquid from a tuna can and then let her lick the can clean.  I think she smelled that tuna in her poop and couldn’t resist.  Yvette picked up what she could and then covered the spot with a branch. She said it was going to have to hose it down.  When she did, Elsa leaped in the spray as she always does. She was sopping wet. I got her inside and took advantage of the situation to bathe her. This is not her favorite activity ever.          

            I checked my email and then meditated. My leg bothered me enough that I couldn’t do the full forty minutes. I worked for the rest of the day on updating the blog and washing the floor. 

            John Zimmerman emailed me and then called to tell me he sent me a recipe for salmon patties.  I had written in the updates that I didn’t like the salmon patties I had bought. This was a pack of frozen patties.  He recommended I pan-fry instead of broiling them. Then add some lemon juice and mayonnaise.  I think a little onion might help too.  Meantime, I can use the recipe he sent me to make salmon patties from a can of pink salmon.  I love salmon, but I didn’t like the taste of the canned stuff I bought at Costco.  It’s fresh salmon I love; however, it’s served. 

            I asked John if he was following my drama with the insurance company.  He told me that he only reads the parts of the updates that have to do with my well-being.  It gives me comfort that people are watching out for me.  As far as reading the whole update, I’m always surprised to learn that people do that. 

            I write the update primarily for myself.  Before I met Mike, I kept a journal.  I started one my freshman year of college when I was just seventeen and stopped when I met Mike. I started up again as Mike was preparing to leave me and have continued since he is out of my life.  There are probably a variety of factors.  I yakked Mike’s ear off with my day’s events and insights, pretty much as I am yakking off everyone’s ears now through the update.  I like putting my thoughts into words. You may have noticed.

            The man who came to look at the car the other day came back today to pay for the car – in cash.  He was here promptly at 5:30 with an envelope full of money. Scott had come by to help complete the transaction.  I am so lucky that I have so many people who are watching out for me.  The title threw Scott. It’s from Ohio instead of Hawaii.  The Hawaiian title has a tag that the seller tears off the form and brings down to the DMV. When this is delivered, the owner is freed from all liability.  

            We had a second problem with the form.  The title is in my legal name, Elizabeth S. David-Ross, but the registration is in Betty D. Ross.  The latter was made up by the jerk who sold us the car in Ohio.  He just made up a name for me.  I went out of my way to get it changed. However, I looked at my registration form since we had moved to Hawaii; it was made out to Betty D. Ross.  I don’t know if this is going to create problems for the transfer of title.  To avoid complications, I asked the buyer when he was going to go to the DMV. He said sometime next week. I told him to tell me when and I would go there with him if a problem arose—another loss of something from my life with Mike.

            Yvette came in with the day’s mail. There was just one letter from Progressive.  She knows what I have been going through with them.  But it was a check repaying the money I had already laid out for the upcoming six months before I decided to change providers. However, I think it may be more than they said they would send. Again, no explanation. Is it too much to ask that someone at that company knows what the hell is going on? 

            When I went to walk Elsa, I noticed she was limping badly. This time it was one of her hind legs.  I have no idea what she might have done. She wanted to go out nonetheless. Her leg problem didn’t stop her from fiercely barking and charging a passing dog. Fortunately, the other dog was civilized, unlike our neighbors’ dog. Their dog comes charging at the fence with murder in his eyes. God forbid he ever gets loose.  He would kill Elsa in a shot. I don’t think I’m fast enough anymore to be able to protect her. 

            For my evening meal, I took out the remains of a large package of frozen chicken and spinach wontons.  I was planning to make a few, but I wound up with a mass of wontons all frozen together. My original thought was to pan-fry a few.  I poured some olive oil into the pan and dropped the whole weight in at once.  Mind you. I dropped the mass in the pan before heating the oil. I tried to work with this arrangement for a minute.  I could hear Mike groaning as he watched me at my culinary best. 

            Seeing that plan A would get me nowhere, I filled a pot with water, dumped the mass in it, and turned on the heat.  With the water boiling, the mass fell apart pretty quickly.  Then I did heat the oil left in the pan from my first attempt, scooped out some wontons with a slotted spoon, and pan-fried them.  The wontons didn’t look the best anymore.  They had broken apart, but they were still tasty.

             _____ ____ _____

Musings:

 

            I saw a Facebook post announcing to people of color that they should get their act together before she extended any sympathy for their plight.  

            There are people of color, POC, who do not have their lives together. There are also people of every race, religion, and nationality who have members who do not have their lives together.  A significant number of people of color do live honest, hardworking lives.  Many of those people are handed roughly (euphemism) by the police. There have been cases of lawyers, college professors with guns pointed to their heads just because they looked suspicious, i.e., they have colored skin. These people had their lives together.

            POCs have been picked up for minor infringements.  I have heard reports that the halls of Wall Street were awash in drugs. How many of those upper-middle-class whites got arrested no less manhandled in the process? 

            Just because there are members of the community who don’t behave well, even kill, even kill members of their community, doesn’t mean that the police should be allowed to treat people with the same disregard. Do we say that because there are criminals in a community, the police should behave as the criminals behave? Sounds like lopsided logic to me.