Friday, June 4, 2021

 Friday, June 4, 2021

             

            I took a Tylenol last night. It was probably the first one I took since January when I was in pain after the cell transplant. I don’t take medication if I can avoid it. In the past, I took Tylenol when someone reminded me it was an option. I had been in various degrees of discomfort since my last session with the acupuncturist two weeks ago. I have been treating it with infrared. I finally remembered I had the option of using the bullet point massager. That helped somewhat. Last night was the worst it had been. I had trouble sleeping. I put a pillow between my legs. I had to shift my position frequently. Again, I wondered if I had come to the end of the line. Was I going to have to get THR surgery to fix this problem and make life doable? Mind you. I had been completing my 10,000 steps a day without fail. It was not that I’d been a total cripple. It was just that I hadn’t been happy about the way my body felt. 

            While lying in bed, I placed my under-the-pillow tennis ball in various spots, moving it around my body, dozing, shifting its position, and dozing again. I finally moved it into a spot that I knew had relieved my pain in the past. Why didn’t I think to use it right away? That magic spot seems unrelated to my leg. It was on the outer edge of the left side of my back, about two inches below my armpit. Why that would be the magic release point is beyond me? That worked. I slept peacefully, pain-free.

            There was heavy rain early this morning. I got my steps in by walking back and forth in the house. Elsa did her business by ducking out the bathroom door to the backyard under the overhang. The sky cleared up later, and I went out for a long walk.

            I ran into two of my usual walking acquaintances, Paulette and Mary Ann. After a quick glance at them, I thought they looked alike, like sisters, and told them so. Upon closer inspection, that similarity evaporated. I told them that my sister and I looked alike, although we didn’t share a single feature. Paulette then told the story of her sister. She commented how they always marveled that they didn’t look alike. When they got their DNA tested, guess what? They were half-sisters. Their mom had had an affair. Fortunately, both of their parents were already dead, so no sleeping dogs had to be awakened. Although, for all they know, their dad knew what was going on. The sister took this news very well. She felt loved by her parents, and the rest was irrelevant.  

            I called adolescent E at our usual time. He said he couldn’t talk; he was at work. I had a quick question: how did he get the job? He said he asked a friend of his and got a job immediately. I didn’t think to ask what kind of work he was doing. I have to do that the next time I speak to him. I also will ask why he didn’t text me to tell me he wouldn’t make it for our usual appointment ahead of time.

            E. told me in one of our sessions that he wanted to work to earn his own money and not be dependent on someone else. He said he had no idea how to find work. E. has a problem pursuing what he wants in all areas of his life. Whenever I needed a job, I told him that I just told everyone I met that I was looking for one. When I said everyone I met, I meant it. Anyone I had a conversation with longer than a nod, I asked. That means I asked many total strangers. You never know where your lucky break will come from. He followed my excellent example with stunning success. 

            The Sears repairman came today to repair the broken valve in the water dispenser in my fridge. After he left, I took a shower. When I came out and walked into the kitchen, a stream of water ran from the refrigerator. Shit! The problem with the fridge must have been something other than the valve. Yvette came right up to turn off the water under the sink. I vacuumed up the water with my Bissell. I dressed with plans to go to town. When I checked the kitchen, there was some more water on the floor. I figured it was just draining the last of it. 

            My first stop in town was at the T-Mobile store. I had received my replacement phone from the insurance company and needed to have the data transferred from my old phone to my new one. When I spoke to Damon yesterday, he said I should use this opportunity to upgrade. He said my S7 phone would stop supporting some functions in time. 

            There was a wait before being seen. Fortunately, I had my Kindle with me, so the time wasn’t’ wasted. I asked the clerk if what Damon said was true. I told her I had an S7. She said no- until she saw my phone. “You have an iPhone!” What Damon said did apply to the iPhone. She said I could get the iPhone 12. If I gave them my old phone, I would save $200. I proposed sending the new phone back to the insurance company and giving T-Mobile the old one. The clerk looked confused and headed to the back room. She came out with a young man who explained that I couldn’t simply return the ‘new phone’ to the insurance company. To do so would trigger assumptions of a scam, and they would shut me down altogether. I had to send my old phone to the insurance company and give T-Mobile the replacement. I had to pay the insurance company $149 for the replacement phone. It took a big bite out of my discount, but that was just the haps.  

            I had struggled with these folks about my payment plan. They set me up on a monthly plan. No, I would pay the whole thing off now. Oh, I couldn’t do that. If I did, I wouldn’t get the discount. I had to wait for two months before I could pay it off.  Okay, okay. I didn’t ask. I assume I’ll lose some money to interest.

            Transferring the information from my old phone to my new one would take some time. I went outside to sit at one of the sidewalk tables and read. It wound up taking several hours. Who knew? I went over to Target to buy a new cover for my iPhone 12 mini. I don’t like the bigger ones. This new one is just a little smaller than my previous phone.  

            Buying a cover was a piece of cake. The Target customer service rep knew what I wanted. I didn’t get the cheapest. Those don’t offer as much protection. Then I threw in an extra ten bucks for a decorative one. The last one was just black- somewhat of a downer.

            On the way home, I called Jazzy to see if Adam could stop over to move my refrigerator out again so the water to the frig could be turned off again. I could have the water in my sink turned back on. Scott wouldn’t be available until tomorrow. Adam couldn’t budge the fridge. My best guess is it was locked in place, and Adam didn’t know how to release it. Okay, I could wait until tomorrow when Scott came by. He moved it before and must know what to do. 

            By habit, I turned on the kitchen faucet. Water came out. What? Yvette had turned it off. That meant water was running to the fridge. But there was no water on the floor. I checked the water dispenser. Sure enough, I got water. It meant water was coming to the fridge, but there was no leak. Why it leaked after the Sears man left when no water ran through it for two weeks is beyond me. So, the fridge was okay. What had Yvette turned off? The next time I was at the sink, I figured that out. It had been the hot water only. I have no idea what was going on with the fridge. Scott could turn the hot water on when he stopped by the next day.

            I had a session with I. She wrote a ‘chapter’ on how Charlotte got her superhero name. She’s got quite an imagination. She only has to learn to put her thoughts into words. I think one reason she appeared shy may be because she was inarticulate. She’s afraid she won’t express her thoughts adequately. Given what I have been seeing, I would say she’s right. Hopefully, the cowriting exercises we are doing will remedy this problem.

     I continued watching the Kominsky Method. I laugh out loud. I am thoroughly enjoying it. I did try to watch the end of The Shape of Water. My purchase was only for 48 hours and had expired. Just as well. It was too stressful for me.

Thursday, June 3, 2021

Thursday, June 3, 2021

            

            Again, I did not work on the video. Other than that, I didn’t do much, or I just can’t remember what I did. 

            I did work with K. I continue working with him on remembering the spelling of his name. This is in preparation for all writing. You have to write a sentence one word at a time that you already have composed in your head. You have to concentrate on writing one word, then recalling the next one before writing it. You have to be able to hold that original sentence in your head. I had him review the spelling of his name before he wrote the following letter. For example, let’s say his name is Kenyon.   After he’s written Ken, he needs to remember the next letter. I have him say all the letters from the beginning to trigger the memory of the next letter. K-e-n and then y. then K-e-n-y and the o, etc. it is probably what we all do as we write. Let’s say I have a sentence in mind. As I write the sentence, I switch the focus from the sequence of words to writing the letters. it is a very demanding neurological task. At some level, I am running the sentence I composed in my mind repeatedly to help me recall the next word I have to write. I am teaching him to do that with his name. 

            I also had to help him work on remembering his last name. The only way he can remember it now is with a mnemonic. Remember. he is eight years old. He just finished second grade. I have him reading on a third-grade level. He does well with word recognition and comprehension. No, he is not cognitively impaired. 

            Beth from Hawaiian Solar called twice while I was on the phone with Judy. With the second call, I told Judy I had to take it. Beth told me that there was a problem with the online monitoring system. My Tesla app monitors how much solar energy my system generates; this other system monitors how each panel functions. My system had been down since December. Ah, that was when Sandor installed my eero routing system. Beth said that someone who could help me connect it again was in my neighborhood.

            Art from Hawaiian Solar came over within a few minutes. First, he connected the system as a whole to the Internet. Then he sat with me, helping me upload the connection on my computer so I could monitor the panels. At least four were down and needed to be replaced- and that was as of December. Art told me there were problems with the panels I had installed. However, the company was good, and they paid for the replacement without problem, including the labor. There may be more panels that were down and need to be replaced. Art said it would take 15 minutes to upload each missing day. The system won’t be current until the end of next week. 

            I passed on watching The Shape of Water tonight. I needed a comedy. I found Madame with Toni Collette. That woman is amazing. The film was a comedy, but it was about a sad topic, how shitty the rich can be to the poor, how shitty the rich can be -period-end-of-sentence. While there was cruelty in the film, it was under the anesthesia of comedy. I wasn’t overwhelmed. 

Wednesday, June 2, 2021

 Wednesday, June 2, 2021

 

It had rained most of the day yesterday. As a result, we had to draw on the electric grid all night. The sun came up while I did my morning walk at 6:15, but it was still overcast.

            I ran into AnnMarie on my walk. School is closed now; she is on vacation. She is interested in WWII. I told her I had books she could have. She'll come over one day to take a look. I must have 200 books just on that one topic.

     I got hold of Susan, the church administrator. First, I asked about the gravestone. I want to have an angled cement pillow for the granite to rest on. The marker will be tilted, making it easier to see and allowing rainwater to drain.   Susan said I have to take care of that on my own. Fr. Lio knew someone to recommend.   I asked about Vince's complaints. Ah, that was a rumor. Fr. Lio announced the truth, but many refused to believe it. I think Julie is into conspiracy theories. My guess is they heard what Fr. Lio said and refusal to accept it.

            After loading all the information from my old Mac to my new one, Brian stopped by to return the computer. Tommy, my techie, is Brian's partner, accompanied Brian. They install security systems. 

            Elsa was obsessed with Tommy and ignored Brian. Well! She was so excited she dropped some poop on the floor. It wasn't a full load, just what she couldn't contain. None of us saw it. Indeed, none of us expected it. Tommy stepped into the poop in his sock-covered foot. He pulled it off; I offered to rinse it out. He said not to bother. Fortunately, the poop was on the tile floor, inches from the carpet. I waited until they were gone before cleaning it up.

            In my session with M today, she preferred to go back to our work on inferencing rather than work on her little horror story, starring twin ten-year-old goths who are at war with their toys. Yikes! M's mom texted me that we wouldn't be meeting over the summer. I texted mom to ask for feedback. Did she see any difference in M's ability to make inferences in conversation? What were her grades? As usual, I got nothing from mom. She only communicates to complain about some ongoing deficit. In the past, when I asked about how she was doing on a particular skill she asked me to work on, rather than responding to my question, she listed some additional problem. Fortunately, I had asked M if she was experiencing any improvement. In terms of school, she wasn't sure. But when I asked her if she could follow inferences in conversation more, she gave a clear yes. 

            Then I had an appointment with adolescent D. I have him working on the same passage. I'm trying a variation on Orton Gillingham. Although I doubt any instructor committed to that approach would see any similarities. The hallmark of OG is highly structured and highly sequenced instruction. Well, forget that. I would try working on one eighth-grade level paragraph from Barnell Loft. So far, we have read the same line several times. Even after going over the meaning of the words, he still had trouble remembering what they were. He did a little better remembering patterns. He usually forgets no matter how many times I've restated them or had him recall them. He would need a drill to get these patterns into his memory.  

            Delicious Damon called. We talked about August. Damon has been concerned about his social experience in August's high school years. Damon loved his; his high school graduation carried a lot of meaning. I remember Damon was involved in several social groups and after-school activities. August's school was huge; he was less involved with his school, and then there was Covid and the school closings. He said August has two social groups: one from school and one from tennis. August used to be highly involved in tennis. There was one point they were considering training him to be a professional. So glad he didn't go in that direction. I think it would have been hell on his body. Currently, August meets with his friends online. Damon said they only function as a group. They all do something or none do. There are no individual relationships, no activities with just two people from the group do something without the others. And then so much is done online. In September, August was going to a small local college. He will have a chance to deal with a smaller group of people. Damon went to a small college, Vassar. He loved it. He made good friends there who are still close with. I do love that boy. 

            The solar ran until right up to 6:45 pm after it started at 6:15 am. There was little full sun today except for briefly. The solar input usually ran between 1.5kwh and 3kwh, except for a few minutes of full sun. Then it was 12 kwh. 

            I started watching The Shape of Water. I loved it until the scene where that bastard is physically abusing the amphibian. I can't stand watching cruelty like that. It stays with me, haunts me. I switched off then and went to bed with plans of watching it again the next night. I did check the plot on Wiki. Ah, it has a happy ending.

Tuesday, June 1, 2021

 Tuesday, June 1, 2021

             I had a strange dream in the early hours of the morning. I caught sight of Mike floating by in a large red balloon-shaped long and narrow to fit him. I grabbed the balloon by the knot and tore it open. It wasn’t a joyful reunion once he was out; instead, it was a sigh of relief; Ah,  things were the way they were supposed to be. Mike was where he should be. In the dream, a woman I know from Bikram explained what happened to Mike. Aliens had taken him to make him better in some way. A show I watched a show on interplanetary aliens must have influenced me. Ironically, if Mike couldn’t locate me, he feared aliens had taken me. I think he meant it as a joke. Mike wasn’t the sort to believe in aliens.

            I woke to a bad attack of grief. I wasn’t thinking of anything; my body ached. I sat with it for a while. Then I got up and went on with my day. In doing that, I muted my feelings. They didn’t go away; they just weren’t as loud.

           I watched my Tesla app while on my morning walk. The solar kicked in at 6:15. The moment the sun shows up over the top of the mountain, it hits the solar panels. It’s not a high amount of solar energy, but the house in the default mode doesn’t need a lot. We run between .7 kWh and 1.2 kWh. If I run the clothes dryer, I watch that number jump.

            On my morning walk, I had a longer-than-usual talk with a couple I run into regularly. They’re about my age. Today I learned they were Catholics, and they knew Mike in his role as Deacon at the church. Then the husband told me he stopped attending church because he learned they sent all the money collected by the church to the Bishop. He decided how to distribute that money to the parishes. He also said that the first million dollars of the building fund had to go to the Bishop. His third claim was that the Bishop demanded that our parish give money to a less affluent one. 

            I called the church to ask for information on all this. Susan, the parish office manager, if not the parish administrator, was out. She would be in tomorrow.   I called Judy to find out what was going on. She had partial information. She knew that all the parishes had a significant assessment to help cover the sex abuse lawsuits. She also knew the priests earned $41,000 a year, regardless of how long they had been in the business and the Bishop something like $45,000. A first-year priest earned the same amount of money as one about to retire. I still wanted to get information from Susan, the horse’s mouth.

            Brian stopped by to pick up my old Apple and the new one I ordered. My old one has been pulling some funny tricks. It shuts off whenever, even when I’m in the middle of typing. Brian told me that there was a new model out considered the best ever. My old one could crash at any point; I should consider getting a new one. I ordered it. It was supposed to arrive in July; It came two weeks later. Brian transferred data from the old Apple to the new one. I’m set for the next ten years. In the meantime, I’m using the old one until it gives up the ghost. 

            I had two scheduled sessions for the day. One canceled, saying, “Oh, shit! We’re not home!” School is closed now, and people are confused. 

            Then I had my last session with A for a while. His mother was going to try to arrange at least one Zoom session a week. He and his brother will spend the summer on the east coast with their two sets of grandparents in Florida and Georgia. Apparently, the grandparents are not cooperative with the plan to continue tutoring over the summer. Today’s session was the same ole same ole with him. We’re in drill mode. His mother finally told me that his reading score was just under 2nd grade. This makes him just a year behind where he should be. They never told me his reading level before I started with him. I assumed it was very low because they have been over the moon about his progress. I suspect that there are some changes in his behavior as well. His mother did tell me that his hope for his prospects had changed. He said he wanted to be president of the United States. He would never have held out that possibility for himself before.   

Monday, May 31, 2021

 Monday, May 31, 2021

             Today, I had my Zoom session helping volunteer tutors in the Step-Up Tutoring program. Two people were scheduled, but only one showed up. Karen is an elderly woman who had no experience teaching. She gave a vague description of her student's problem. She kept asking if the girl was dyslexic. I had no idea and didn't find it particularly relevant. We know that she's a sixth-grade girl who has trouble reading on a 2nd-grade level. I advised her to have her student identify all the letters in the words and all the sounds for a start. Karen was wonderful to work with. I have had several people who were responsive. However, none of them returned to see me again to report their successes and failures. I have to remember to tell them not to expect too much from themselves. I must tell the participants how I started. Of course, I had a background in linguistics already. I knew what phonemes were.

            I did some videoing today. I thought I would do a slide here and a slide there. I wound up doing the whole video over and over. I also make changes as I read more of Dehaene's book "How We Learn." His view of explicit versus implicit learning (discovery learning) is informative if biased. What makes it clear he's biased? His language changes when he talks about discovery learning. He switches to persuasive language versus informative. I find his informative language on how to help students learn explicitly helpful. He talks about the role of attention and curiosity. Attention isn't the sort a teacher demands in the classroom. That type of attention requires that the student be quiet, not disturb anyone else in the class, and keep their eyes focused on the teacher. That type of attention does not ask how the student processed the information internally; it does not address what it means to internalize information. Explicit instruction is necessary; we don't expect our students to rediscover the wheel. However, many children enter school reading without explicit instruction. One can say that reading can be discovered. We know this because we have evidence. 

             I started generating lots of negative thoughts about things going wrong. I produced little spurts of fear. I have no idea where this is coming from. It's not my usual way of thinking these days. This is an old pattern. I hope it doesn't come back to dominate me. That would be bad news.

            Katherine, the rep from Provision Solar, came by to turn on the ten panels they installed and show me how to use the Tesla app. She's an enthusiastic person. She has been living in Hawaii for something like thirty years. She owns five horses, thoroughbreds no less. She once owned something like fifteen. She used to breed them. Talk about an expensive hobby. 

            The Tesla app for solar is amazing. Elon Musk, like Steve Jobs, pushed for a gorgeous design. Watching the app is addictive. I can see exactly how much electricity my house is pulling, how much the sun is producing, how much is coming from the batteries, and how much is coming from or going to the grid. 

            I had two clients scheduled for today. Both canceled—neither thought to tell me. Only one apologized. I guess they assumed I would know since it was Memorial Day. I can't blame them. I'm the one with nowhere to go. Truth be told, if Mike were here, there wouldn't have been a radical difference in my day. It's not like we would have had an all-day event.

Sunday, May 30, 2021

 Sunday, May 30, 2021

 

            I worked on walking one foot in front of the other like I was being tested for drunkenness by the cops. It felt pretty good.

            Wow! procrastinating can make one very productive. In avoiding the videoing, I got tons done. I cleaned behind the frig, trimmed the bougainvillea, went to the bottom of the property, picked limes, did a laundry, and washed Elsa. Pretty good for one day, given that I also completed several of the updates.

            I received the second late payment penalty from Chase. I have never been late before. The problem is I converted from paying by check, writing it the moment I opened the bill, to electronic payment. I forgot. I needed to set up a system to remind myself.

        Ah, a new theory about why therapists have trouble relating to me. I don't easily entrain or line up my nervous system with someone else. What does that mean? Entraining is the coordination of nervous systems. If you have a group of people with each individual doing their own thing, their brain images all look different. If you have that same group of people listen to the same story, their brains all look the same. When people enjoy a conversation with a similar rhythm and topic, their brains will show a similar pattern. Humans, probably all social animals, crave entrainment. 

        Ah, the reaction of others to me when I was younger is beginning to make sense—even therapists' responses. I didn't entrain with others, but my need to bond didn't go away. I pulled others into my pattern; I forced them to entrain with me. Ah! I can see how others perceived that. How would one know the difference between narcissism, someone trained to believe they are the center of the universe. Someone with my problem, taught never to routinely entrain with another on their terms but still has a need to do so. The solution was to force others to entrain with me. I didn't know what was going on.

      My father trained me to always think for myself, to be very cautious to avoid entrainment. He saw the impact of entrainment in Nazi Germany. People were vulnerable to entrainment, and that created mob action. We weren't allowed to join the Girl Scouts. All group identification was out. He was right, but  . . .  

            Actually, I entrain very well when I'm doing a healing. Then, the other person is the center of my universe- for the time I'm working with them. I think some people think that's who I will be with them at all times, someone who makes them the center of our combined world. How did I get so lucky to have Mike walk into my life? He saw me as what I was: someone deeply concerned about others' needs as they see them and equally concerned about my own. Because he saw me that way, the person I was to a certain extent, and the person I wanted to be, I became more of that person. Mike, thank you. 

 

_____-_____-_____

Musings:

            Proactive versus reactive violence.  

            A lack of inhibition causes reactive violence. The person is overcome by their emotions and the accompanying adrenaline. Their behavior is driven by their unconscious minds.  

     Proactive violence is planned, carefully planned. Think the Nazis calmly and coolly sending people to their deaths -. no wasted emotion there.

     I think people are more afraid of reactive violence than proactive. People see some groups of people as reactive and uncontrollable. These are usually minority groups that build up frustration and then let loose. But it is also people who see themselves as victims in all situations and react in uncontrollable ways. Think of abusive men who beat the hell out of their partners.

            Both forms of violence sound terrible to me.

Saturday, May 29, 2021

 Saturday, May 29, 2021

            On one of my walks, I started picking up garbage. I haven’t done this since Covid started. We were warned that we could pick up the virus from objects. Now, we have been told that is not the case; the virus can only be transmitted through the air.  There hasn’t been a lot of trash during the year. Everyone stayed home. There weren’t a lot of people driving around throwing trash out their car windows.  Slowly, as things came back to normal, I started seeing fast-food containers and bottles of water and beer and soda cans. 

            I continued focusing on walking heel to toe, landing lightly on each heel. It feels good. I have been using a walking stick as I walk for quite a while. It allows me to use my weak leg more than I would otherwise.  As I put weight on it, the muscles build up. 

            I had adolescent D at 10 am.  He was willing to work on the same material we had focused on in our last session. I feel I can push phonics patterns in a more concentrated way.  I thought, he knows he can learn now.  That creates more room for me to maneuver.  His work was so focused that I was beside myself with joy. I always share my excitement with students.  I like to overjoy students into doing things my way.   Positive feedback is very seductive.  I don’t fake it.  I really do get excited. I told him I was so happy with his work that I was starting to cry. 

            I wrote his mother an email detailing all the positive things his filling out that questionnaire represented.  When I started working with adolescent D, I told him that getting started took the greatest amount of time and energy.  I said it was like starting a stalled car.  It took more time and more energy to push it to gain enough speed, so the engine turned over. Once it turned over, the car might move slowly, but it is moving on its own. Following that analogy, his engine turned over, and he is running on his own power.  There is a possibility I will get him so he can read grade-level material – with extra effort on his part. I don’t know if I can ever get him reading like an average person of his age.

            I had A at 10:45. He has a terrible problem determining what comes first and what comes second. This applies to letters or parts of words.  He can’t consistently say if the curve in the letter d comes before or after the start line; we read from left to right in English.  I wrote the curved line, the c, far on the left side of the screen. Then I put the straight vertical line on the far right side. I had to call his mom to help him put his left hand on the c and his right hand on the straight line.  I continue with this work; he continues having problems with this exercise.  This applies to words as well; he reads am and ma. While A is doing better, this problem persists.  

            I have tried to use BrainManagementSkills with him, but he says he doesn’t experience disturbance to his visual field; the letters don’t move around either on the page or in his mind. Because A’s concern about “appearing normal” interferes with acknowledging his problems, I’m unsure what he is experiencing. He could easily be lying about it.      

    After I finished with A, I headed out immediately to Office Max to pick up the printout of the design for the plaque for Mike’s gravestone.  I wanted what Sandor designed for his cremation ashes box. “Deacon Michael David Ross, Ph.D2; (he had two Ph.Ds.) a Jewish star before his date of birth, and a Jerusalem cross in front of his death date. The engraver took a picture of the design.  I asked him for mockups of various sizes to lay them on gravestones to see which one I wanted.  It took some effort to get the printout in the correct dimensions; my printer printed them all the same size.  I had to send Office Max a copy of the email from the engraver. They couldn’t do it on Friday immediately. I had to come back on Saturday. And here I was to pick them up.  

       I had to wait quite a while before the Office Max clerk could serve me. When he showed me the printouts, I was overly anxious and declared they all look the same size. They were supposed to be three different sizes. I was wrong.  The difference between 6 x 12 versus 7 x 14 versus 8 x 16 is just not that great.  The clerk cut each one to size. The size difference between each one was obvious then. Then I was off to the cemetery to try these mockups out for size and meet with Judy, who was going to help me decide which was best.

        I got there before Judy. Judy and I had checked out the cemetery before.  I had already decided I wanted two small gravestones.  The stone will be something like 12” x 24” x 3”, resting on a wedge, angling face of the stone.  I like this for two reasons: you can see the inscription easily, and rainwater will drain off quickly. I lay the mockups on top of various gravestones. The two smaller sizes were inappropriate.   I pretty much decided to use the 8 x16  size. I’ll consider the larger a 10 x 20, too.  Since I’m going with brass, it will be expensive.

            I had an appointment with the stem cell guys at 1:30. I considered walking to the edge of the water to spend the half-hour before I had to head out.  Instead, Judy and I sat in the ‘shelter’ in the graveyard.  It contains two wooden folding chairs and a wonderful statue of Mary embracing the baby Jesus.  The shelter provides some cover, or at least it once did.  The thatched roof was disintegrating.  Judy told me that Fr. Lio is planning to replace it with artificial fronds inside of the natural ones that were on there now. Judy and I were treated to a lovely breeze. Peaceful.

    My appointment with the stem cell guys was a follow-up appointment.  On the first visit, I received the stem cell implant. It’s a brief event involving injecting the whateveritis into the hip joints. There was no anesthesia.  There is some discomfort when the needle, the long, long needle, went in and the whateveritis was pushed into the joint, but other than that, it was a nothing procedure.  After the first injection, I was in pain for the next two days. It was a little scary. I wasn’t expecting it. The follow-up treatment involved three ozone injections and three injections with blood platelets.  I had my first ozone treatment two months ago; today, I got a blood platelet injection.  I have two more rounds to go.

        The doctor, and he is a certified doctor of orthopedic surgery who hated his chosen field and moved into stem cells, drew some blood.  Then I had to wait while some machine processed them before whatever the final brew was injected into my hip. I just suffered the discomfort of the injection; other than that, it was just fine. 

         In the middle of injecting me, the doctor said something about my bone spur.  When I was initially diagnosed in 2009, I was told I had a bone spur and a large cartilage cyst. When I was done today, I had no trouble getting myself home alone. Judy was on standby should I need help.  I went home for a nap, but I wasn’t really tired. I just lay there and listened to my Saturday NPR shows. Love those shows.

       I was finally inspired to clean behind my refrigerator.  Scott had moved it away from the wall about two weeks ago so he could get back there to shut off the water supply.  The water dispenser leaked. If I just let it go, Yvette and Josh would have had damage because the water would have leaked through to their quarters.  I put it off cleaning because I had trouble figuring out how to do it in that small space.  I could slip into the space between the edge of the frig and the cabinet; the problem was getting cleaning equipment in there and bending down to scrub the floor.  It all worked out. I started vacuuming with my wet/dry Bissell. That got up a lot of the dirt, most of which was dead bugs. Then I added water and wiped the floor using my foot and a rag. I followed that with another vacuuming with the Bissell. Done. Ah! How much happier I would have been if I had taken care of it immediately.

      Before I went to bed, I got a call from Judy.  She was in grief about the loss of their dog, Beau. That grief triggered old griefs. She figured I’d be able to deal with her grief. She was right. If her grief did trigger mine, I would deal with it on my own or get help from another friend.  

         Ah, I wonder. Some people accuse me of having no boundaries. Is that because I share feelings with whomever because I think everyone should be able to cope? 

______-______-_____

Musings:

 

       What it means to “live in the present” when the past no longer exists, and the future isn’t here yet.

     I think I know where this ridiculous advice comes from.   When I went on a ten-day silent Vipassana retreat, that advice made sense. I didn’t have to think of the future. The only decisions I had to make for the future were when to shower and what I needed to take to the bathroom when I did. Everything else was taken care of.  I didn’t even make eye contact with another participant for ten days—no interaction with others, nothing to resolve-no drama.  I didn’t have to think about what we did yesterday. We meditated.  There really was no reason to think about the past or the future. The Buddhists created the extended meditation retreat to create a space and a time for precisely that purpose.

            The instructions are to focus only on the present and not to associate any feelings that come up with the past or the future.  That’s a challenge in that context. In daily life, as a “householder,” it’s a nonsense set of instructions. We need to figure out how to balance the present, the past, and the future. We need to be taught how to evaluate the value of our thoughts about the past and the future: when are they beneficial and when are they not.

            I had an interesting experience today affirming the great wisdom of the Buddha.  He said not to label our sensations- just to observe with equanimity.  Observing sensations with equanimity without labeling them is healing. For the past few days, I haven’t been feeling well. I tried to figure out why- label those feelings.  Is it grief? Is it malnutrition? Is it debilitating neuralgia? Is it self-hatred?   I landed on self-hatred at one point. I realized I was looking for an explanation. My explanation made me feel worse, not better.  I had a new appreciation of the principles of Vipassana.

Friday, May 28, 2021

Friday, May 28, 2021

 

            I slept well, despite napping most of the day. The grief is hitting hard today. I feel weighted. I spent most of the day meditating. 

    There was one good shift. I watched a Gokhale video on meditative walking. It wasn't Esther who made the presentation; it was one of her teachers. She spoke about putting the forward heel down lightly. I realized I did that with the left heel but not the right. I land hard on that one. I had to hold my weight in my left leg to land lightly. It felt surprisingly good. Besides putting both heels down lightly, I  put one foot in front of the other, like a tightrope walker.

            I had some confusion about payments with one of my clients. She assumed fewer hours than I had given. It was not intentional on her part. I think she's as flaky about numbers as I am. And I am flaky. I don't hear numbers. Mike would say I'll be home at such and such time. Then he would come home later, and I'd be curled up in a corner, having already donned my widow's weeds. He developed a practice of taking my face in his hands and saying, "What time did I say I was coming home?" That worked. 

            I got a bank statement from my local bank. Yikes! They charge $17.50 to have funds transferred from Venmo to my account. Really? I have to check the charge is on my Raymond James account for that service. If it's less or nonexistent, I'll switch my account.

            I worked with my adolescent E. He is doing very well. He had wanted to get some work over the summer to earn his own money, and he did. I forgot to ask him how he got the work. I had advised him to tell everyone he met that he was looking for some work to earn money. That's what I did when I was looking for a job. I told every person I met, even after a short conversation, that I was looking for work. You never know from which corner it will come. I got each of my jobs that way except for my first teaching job in 1962. A representative came to our school in Cortland, New York, and recruited teachers.

            As I started working with E, I asked if he was worried about one of his sisters, who is just a few years younger. He said yes. I wondered if he knew why he was worried; he said no. I told him why I was worried about her. She is morbidly shy. She is only comfortable around members of her family. That's a pretty large group; she has five brothers and sisters and many aunties, some probably not blood relatives but considered part of the extended family. Problem: she looks like a woman who will hook up with an abuser. She has no experience judging someone's character upon meeting them. Some dude will come along, tell her she's the sun and the moon, and he wants her all to himself. She will feel 'loved," and then …..  We had no way to work with her; I suggested doing the Ho'oponopono prayer.  

            I told E the story of a psychiatrist who emptied a mental institution by saying this prayer for all the inmates. I said we should say it for his sister. He said we couldn't because she was at the beach. He didn't get that you don't say it to someone's face, except in your imagination.   The prayer is four phrases repeated: "I'm sorry. Forgive me. Thank you. I love you." That's it. We did it. Good God, this kid has the most loving heart; impressive. We both experienced his sister as being alarmed by our prayer for her. She felt invaded. I'm not sure how to deal with this. I will continue the prayer on my own when I feel called. I know that his praying for her will be very significant. 

            In the evening, I looked for a British murder mystery. I came across a movie called The Whistleblower, starring Rachel Weisz. It was too scary. I switched to A Touch of Cloth- forget that. I finally settled on The Gift starring Kate Blanchett. I like everything she does. I only watched half of it before going to bed. 

Thursday, May 27, 2021

 Thursday, May 27, 2021

            

            I was exhausted again today. Is it grief, how I’m pushing myself to get my body to work, or is there just something wrong with me? 

            I started making the final copy of the Zoom PowerPoint of my reading method for posting on YouTube. I put on the outfit I had picked out, a dark rose T-shirt, the beads Scott gave me, translucent purple, green and white, and red bead earrings.   I know nothing matches, but that won’t make a difference on Zoom, especially since my image is in a small box to the side of the main screen, dominated by the slide. I did try a different pair of earrings, something that would match the necklace, amethysts. When I looked at them in the video, they looked like weird floating thingies. I needed something more solid. 

            I changed my filming site. I still used the desk in Mike’s library. I originally had it set up, so I faced the picture window, getting full light on my face. Behind me was a wall of 6-foot bookshelves with a bank of windows above them. The light coming through those windows threw a ghostly glow. That wouldn’t do.  

            I moved my spot, so I was working at the side of the desk. That would mean that the right side of my face would be lit by natural light, and I would need extra illumination for the left. I had already bought one of those special lamps that you clip onto your computer. I hadn’t been using it up to now. I needed to angle myself slightly, so all I had behind me were bookshelves instead of the window at the side of the house. Then there was the way the shelves looked. Some of them were already bare. That wouldn’t do. I borrowed books from other shelves in the library, making my backdrop reflect ‘my intelligence.’  

        You know Mike never read many of the books he bought, and I can’t imagine he would ever have time to do so. He was a collector; I say a hoarder. This never became a problem in our marriage because we had the money. Now, I think about how much he spent on this collection and how important this was to him. When we moved to Hawaii, I suggested he get rid of his books. He declared two things had to go to Hawaii, me and his books. How do you argue with that? Besides something like 3,500 books, there was the CD collection. I counted a thousand. At $10 each, which is low, he spent $10,000 on his collection, which he never listened to. He had one or two in the CD player that he played repeatedly; that was that. 

       Okay, back to my video. I started recording it. I made it through six slides and then screwed up on the seventh. Fortunately, I don’t have to go through all twenty-something slides in one sitting before the video will be good to go. Tommy, my techy, said they are easy to slice and splice. I had to stop anyway because I had a Zoom client. I thought I had given myself enough time to make it all the way through, but then I had to rearrange the furniture and books in the library to create my background. I sent what I’d done to Dorothy and Judy, my editorial board.

      When I sent out the Zoom invitation to my student, I saw a text canceling that session. As it wound up, all three scheduled sessions were canceled today. That felt just fine to me. I was low on energy. All I wanted to do was sit, veg or sleep. I decided not to go back to recording the video until I got feedback from my editorial board. 

       Judy called to say she thought it was great. She also said that she loved the way I sounded. I sounded confident, knowledgeable, and energetic. Okay. She also told me that she had to take care of her very disabled grandson Luke because her daughter-in-law was on overload.

    Judy’s daughter-in-law had taken on an extra burden that wound up being more than she could chew. A friend left her six-year-old daughter with her for two weeks while she and her boyfriend vacationed in Mexico. Now, Jazzy wasn’t the only one who agreed to help. There are others this mother wrangled into taking turns. Jazzy said whatever thoughts she had about wanting a daughter had ended with her exposure to this little girl. She said girls are so much more drama. Judy had two boys. When she drove a bunch of kids, girls, and boys, the boys were all talking about poop and piss, and the girls were talking about social dramas. I guess it’s a girl’s job to help monitor the social world. Jazzy took Leon and Terry to the beach where they could run around and leave her alone.  

            Terry has a problematic background. Her parents were never married, but that’s no big deal today. Many couples are in committed relationships and devoted to their family without the benefit of the sanctions of church or state. However, these two are one of the worst cases of chalk and cheese, and both are questionable parents. He is rigidly controlling; he makes his children stand with their noses to the wall when they do something he doesn’t like. She is so relaxed that she provides no discipline. Judy said the mom would take Terry to the beach when she was a baby, leave her lying on a blanket, ask some stranger to keep an eye on her, and go surfing. It is Hawaii, not Jones Beach in New York or Manhattan Beach, ironically in LA. The aloha spirit does live here, and Terry did survive.

       Terry’s father tried to sue for full custody. He spent a fortune. He hired a social worker to prove that Terry’s mother was unfit. You can see his point. However, the social worker observed him as well as the mom. He had anger management problems of significant proportions. He was told he could not have custody unless he dealt with his anger issues. He refused; he lost custody. After all that effort, he had nothing to do with his daughter after he lost. Was he interested in her or control? I’ll bet on the latter. 

           Last night, as I did one of my many walks, and saw Leon and Terry playing in the front yard. They were great together. They were throwing a rope over one of the limbs of the large tree in the front yard. They took turns; Terry was the one who did it. That was no problem for Leon. Later that day, Jazzy contacted an aunt of Terry’s and got her to take her. Judy said Terry would be in loving hands. Yikes! That this kid is as normal as she was a tribute to the human spirit.  

         I got a text from the mother of adolescent D with a picture of something he did in school. The teacher was sufficiently impressed to take a picture of it and send it to the mom. His school gave the students an end-year question: what did you find hard this year? D wrote, reading, writing, and math. Quelling my excitement, I imagined that someone read the question to him. But no, mom told me the teacher was clear; he had read this independently. She had never seen him concentrate on reading like this before. Wow! Mom received this with disappointment, realizing how far behind he was. “The words aren’t even spelled correctly.” 

            My perspective is different. I see this as a breakthrough.  

1)         He had the confidence to try and read the question on his own

2)         He had the skill he needed to figure out what it said correctly.

3)         He had the courage to do the best he could. This is a timid, hidden child. He won’t allow me to see his image on Zoom. He exposed himself

4)         While none of the words were spelled correctly, he sounded out all the words. They were readable. 

          Where I saw four miracles, mom saw failure. I think she is finally realizing how far behind he is. I can sympathize with her somewhat. When Mike was in the hospital, I was the last to realize how close to death he was and how unlikely it was that he would survive. The Monday before I let him go, Damon, Jean, and I had a consultation with the palliative care team. I thought we would talk about ways to make him comfortable until he recovered. On the phone from LA, Damon opened the discussion with a question, “Are we keeping him alive for our sake or his?”  I was shocked. I didn’t say anything because I quickly realized it was a reasonable question. At some level, I knew; at another, I was in denial, thinking ahead about how to deal with his homecoming. I think his mom is like this, assuming that her lovely child will be just fine. It will work out. She and her husband have placed him in private schools where he would be protected and treated kindly by the teachers and fellow students. Now, she’s wondering if the school has been pampering him. I don’t think that’s the case. They had no idea how to help him. For her to assume that all he needed was someone to force him to learn is an insult to me. He has made these gains in twelve hours of work. Rather than think of my remarkable skills, she assumed I had strong-armed him into the improvements he has currently made. 

       I see that a lot. I work with a kid, produce a change, and the teacher says the parents laid down the law with the child. Really?? They didn’t try that before? When you don’t know what to do, try bullying a student into learning. It works every time, not!

        As I headed back to the house from one of my walks, I saw Bruce, the mailman, honking his horn in front of my neighbor’s gate. He had a package for Mei and Peter and tried to get their attention since he couldn’t get through their gate to deliver the package to the front door. Seeing the problem, I called Mei and let her know Bruce was waiting for her. Participating in this manner lifted my spirits and filled me with energy. I got the answer to my question: grief is draining me. I am not part of a domestic community. I’d have to say I’m lonely. Sometimes, I miss Mike beyond words.

Wednesday, May 26, 2021

 Wednesday, May 26, 2021

         I spent most of the day meditating or sleeping. I was exhausted. I concluded it was grief. It comes in waves. I'm fine, energetic one week, and flat out the next. I just ride the wave. I am good about allowing grief to claim me when it comes up. I lay low and spent some time sobbing. 

I had an appointment with Shelly, my therapist/life coach. I was ready to film the final draft of my PowerPoint video on my reading method; I should say the word recognition aspect of my reading method. I always say that I am not comfortable with adoration or excessive admiration. I only enjoy it in people who like me for my whole personality, not just a single aspect. I don't mind admiration from them; I admire things in them. As I think about it, it's not admiration; it's awe.   When people admire me without liking me,  I experience them as dangerous. People who admired me but didn't like me have attacked me.

            My fear of the consequences of becoming well known has inhibited me from sallying forth. I did my two-point healing release. First, I released anything negative about my aversion for admiration, keeping anything good or anything I still needed. Then I did the craving portion, releasing anything negative about craving for admiration, keeping anything good or anything I still needed. What a surprise, not! I had a vision of myself sucking up the admiration a group of people was dishing out, people who didn't know me from Adam.  

When I worked on this with Shelly, I sat with the feeling. Lo and behold, I saw myself as a young child, three, four, or five, receiving admiration from adults. That's an appropriate time to get admiration, even awe. It isn't for the individual; it's for the miracle of youth, growth, and life. Young children, children of any age, can evoke awe just for being. What a miracle! I wasn't allowed that admiration. My mother thought of it as bad, at least bad for us- a very German concept in an exaggerated form. When I saw the craving as coming from a very young version of myself, I felt much safer. I no longer had to worry about undermining myself. I will recognize it for what it is and not "believe my own publicity." Ah! That's all very freeing.

         Of course, there's the other end of the response that I also fear- contempt and hatred. There's always someone who not only disagrees with your point of view, someone who thinks your point of view is evil because it differs from theirs. Oh, the human condition. I like that I'm at a safe physical distance on YouTube. There's a good chance that my work will slip into the ether unnoticed. I'm okay with that. Maybe there will be one or two people who will be able to use what I've developed. At least it will be out there. I'm less comfortable with gaining a lot of attention. Someone will see it as a threat to their worldview. People have verbally attacked me for what I do. 

    In the 1990's I was a trailer teacher in Trenton, New Jersey. I had a supervisor who lacked impulse control. She observed me teaching a class with two low-functioning fourth-grade girls. One suffered from Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and was significantly delayed. I demonstrated a method I had developed, not the one on the video I was preparing. Both the girls were engaged and doing reasonably well. When the session was over, the supervisor took me to task. She screamed, "That could never work. I've never seen it before." It was devastating. I thought she would be impressed. But the problem was "she had never seen it before." That was the threat. That was the danger. That made me dangerous-even evil. This same supervisor wrote a recommendation for me when I moved. She wrote that I was very effective with low-functioning students. Really? How about all students. No, she couldn't concede that. In short, I anticipate trolls if I do get known. 

       I brought up another topic with Shelly. I saw a TED talk on entraining. Entraining is the process by which two or more people focus on the same thing, and their brains light up in the same way. Our brains entrain. I was trained to never entrain. I realized that this is a possibility what therapists saw in me that they found so disturbing. I never entrained with them. There are specific reasons for that. First place, most of them weren't on the same page as I was. I'm sure they argued I was wrong and 'just thought I was special." Guess what! Psychology has come around to my way of thinking. These psychologists assumed something was wrong with me because I disagreed with them. Oh, boy! 

    These same psychologists assumed I could not bond with another person because they couldn't entrain them. What they hadn't realized was I had been trained to never entrain. (I am open to a different point of view, but that requires discussion. These therapists were not open to that.)  I do not get pleasure from shared experiences with a large group of people. It frightens me. My father very consciously taught me to always hold on to my point of view. Why? He was a refugee from Nazi Germany. The image of large groups functioning as one was held up for us as some form of evil. We always had to be ready to see clearly and speak up. My father had concluded that any form of group identity was the basis for all evil in man. 

      You can see why he may have concluded that having gone through WWII and Nazi Germany in Europe. It was nationalism that generated those conflicts. My sister and I weren't even allowed to join the Girl Scouts; it was a group. I once tried to be a Mary Kay representative. I went to one of their meetings. They sang a Mary Kay song. That did it for me. I was out of there.  

            I had a session with adolescent D.  We worked on the 8th-grade material. Because of what I'm learning for Dahaene's book Learning and the Brain, I thought I had to be clearer about what I wanted him to pay attention to. I had been incidentally pointing out phonics patterns: er, ir and ur all make the same sound; when you have a single vowel letter followed by a consonant and nothing else, that vowel is probably a short one. I was more deliberate and less incidental in pointing out phonics patterns. I worked more slowly and deliberately.    Before, when I mentioned them, I believe he gave an "oh, yeah" response, but nothing went in. Now, I was being more explicit, more pointed about what he had to pay attention to. I felt it made a huge difference.

            I don't know if I could have done this sooner. I had to watch out for adolescent D's ego. It is fragile. I don't think I could have started with eighth-grade material. It's still over his head, but it's within grasp. After all, all you're ever doing is decoding one syllable at a time. He has gotten better at some of his problems, holding on to sounds and blending them. He is beginning to participate in struggling with the difficult things for him differently. 

            Early on, I used the analogy of the stalled car to describe the phases of his learning process. Because of inertia, getting the car moving takes the most time and energy. You need several people to push the car to sufficient speed for the motor to start. Once the engine starts, the car is still moving slowly, but it moves on its own. It's only then the car can pick up speed. After today's session, I felt there was a chance that his 'motor' was about to click in.  Wow! At the end of the session, I had him repeat after me, "I did good work." He did it without objection.

Tuesday, May 25, 2021

 Tuesday, May 25, 2021

Today should have been yoga, but there was no one in the driveway by 7 am.  Yvette had stopped up the other day and told me she would be working with her yoga teacher, Jennifer in Hilo, to videotape a yoga teaching video. I knew she was going over; I didn’t think she would be staying overnight.

Last night I gave Elsa her first dose of the pills the doctor had prescribed.  One I had to give once a day, the other twice a day. Both should be with food. I prepared her dinner and set the pills aside to give her once she had wolfed down her food. I sat bolt upright in the middle of the night as the ½ written on both bottles registered. I had been so focused on how many times a day and with food, I had ignored the ½. I called the vet to find out what to do. The receptionist said just to continue with the rest of the prescription and, since she seemed to be just fine, not to worry about the dosage.

Judy called, crying. Their dog Beau has been in bad mental shape for a while. He’d stand in a corner with his head against the wall. Now he was standing in his water bowl, and he fell down a flight of stairs. He was also moaning. She had called the vet and made an appointment to put him down. I offered to go with her. I always did the putting down of animals on my own. Mike was no good with that stuff. Mike liked to pretend death didn’t happen, but Howard, Judy’s husband, was going with her.  

Because humans weren’t allowed in the vet’s office, I was concerned Judy and Howard wouldn’t be there when Beau was put down. I told Judy to ask to have him put down in their car.  It was only an injection; it wasn’t like special accommodations were needed. However, I had no need to be concerned.  They took Howard and Judy into the clinic. They were there.  Judy held it together so she could be there for Beau as he went.  Howard fell apart. He was sobbing. Mike would have been like that. 

Judy and Howard’s loss triggered grief in me. It’s always sitting there just under the surface. I wept for Mike and a couple of my dogs, Chantey and Peaches, particularly Peaches. She was an amazing dog. When I walked her, the children in the neighborhood came running out to greet her. All that stopped when we got Horatio, and I walked both.

While Horatio was my least favorite of our dogs, he was important to Mike. Mike had taken Horatio into the vet when we saw something peculiar going on. I don’t remember what we saw, but the vet wanted to open him up. Mike said if he got in there and saw a problem to let him go. I was driving home from school when I got a call from Mike. He was sobbing uncontrollably. I pulled over to the side of the highway. The vet had found Horatio riddled with cancer.  Mike didn’t take it well.

I went to town to do some chores. The biggest thing I needed was more bottled water.  I needed to go to Island Naturals to buy more pumpkin seeds. I use them in my salad. They’re delicious and add protein. The store had water, expensive water. What the hell! I bought five glass bottles of Hawaiian volcanic water, whatever that means, for $5 apiece. I also looked for golden flax, one of my staples. They were entirely out.

. I was planning to stop at T-Mobile because I was having a problem with my phone. I couldn’t modulate the sound. It was stuck on LOUD when I played a podcast. I also couldn’t get any sound on the videos I received from my niece and my cousin. I just made a quick trip to Petco to look for a new harness. I had ordered one on Amazon. It said it was mesh. I didn’t want anything solid for Elsa. We live in the tropics; she doesn’t need extra cover. I found something with thicker straps than the one she had now, but it was better than the one I got from Amazon. Then I headed home.

I went for a quick walk before my session with K. Judy and Howard passed me on their way home from the vet.  She stopped briefly to indicate they were both crying and continued home.

My session with K went very well.  The last time we worked, I noticed that he often skipped over a word. Today, I had him name the letters in the words before he said the words. His concentration was amazing.  I also learned that he doesn’t know his own last name or his birthday. His mother says he can’t tell time and has no sense of time. Long ago could be yesterday.  We will have to address these problems.  This boy is not stupid.  He is now in second grade and is reading and comprehending third-grade material.  I have to figure out what the metacognitive glitch is.  

I was supposed to have A. today, but his mother canceled. 

I must say I have had some weird experiences since my last session for Yoga Farm Ithaca.  I was incredibly relaxed for two days.  I have been tired ever since. I just want to sit and meditate- even more, I want to sleep.  Sometimes my body feels better, stronger than ever before, and sometimes my body whines at me, and it is an effort to move through that. 

_____-____--_______

Musings:

 

“The present moment is the only time our lives actually exist.  The ‘past’ and the ‘future’ exist in the mind only, as ideas or concepts of what was and what might be.”   The statement is true. However, the message is that we should always be in the present and give no thoughts to the past and the future. Nonetheless, the very people who advocate this have scheduled classes for 2022. Obviously, they don’t mean what they say. 

Living only in the present moment is a true high. When facing danger, we are in the present moment alone. We give no thought to how we were hurt by others in the past or how we will pay our bills in the future. What a wonderful feeling- easily achieved if we live on a battlefront. We’re there, right there, and no place else.  Ah! Where is a good conflict when you need one? 

We can also achieve that moment of being in the pure present at the birth of a child or through meditation and possibly prayer, but there are all those other moments of life. 

        We all need advice on balancing our thoughts of the past and future with our existence in the present. Those who claim to live only in the present demonstrate through their behavior that they don’t do it. Do they achieve the necessary balance? If so, how?

Monday, May 24, 2021

 Monday, May 24, 2021

 

            I only needed one sweatshirt this morning on my walk. Summer must be just around the corner. I'm also noticing that my coconut oil is starting to melt. During the colder months, coconut oil is solid; in the warmest months, it's pure liquid.  

            Today, my leg and hip felt good. I'm never in a great deal of pain, just that nerve pain. Is it because a nerve is pinched due to my arthritis, or is a nerve entrapped in dried-up fascia? One is only soluble with surgery; only fascia release can resolve the other. Of course, fascia release takes time.

            The solar company arrived today for the solar installation. They started on the roof. I was feeling sad about having my beautiful roof defaced with those panels. I heard them drilling and banging on the roof as I sat in my living room typing away. When it was all done, it looked just fine. They lined up the ten additional panels with the roof ridge. It looks neat and orderly, and symmetrical. Do I hear Mike's voice coming through?  

            At eleven am my time, I had my reading support session with one of the tutors from Step Up Tutoring. I was supposed to have two people today, but one canceled. The woman with whom I spoke had no experience teaching. She was working with a third-grade girl who was having problems reading. Ellie was a wonderful student. She told me that she had difficulties learning to read and saw how this system could help her improve her reading. As I explained the method to her, I kept running into barriers. The process, which I usually think of simple, seemed so complex. I was somewhat flummoxed and made mistakes. I gave Ellie the spiel about just starting with something simple as I had.  

            I started with a girl's name. Paolo was a second-grade nonreader. All she knew was her name. Remembering the principle I learned in my Alphabetic Phonics training, I worked from the known to the unknown. If all she knew was her name, that's what I would start with. It was a week or two before the end of the school year when I started doing this. I don't remember how she responded. It must have been enough to give me the confidence to do it with other children and subsequently develop the system and make it my primary mode of teaching the aspect of reading known as decoding.

       I had an appointment with the Vet at one pm. Humans are required to stay in their cars. I pulled into a parking space, called the receptionist, and waited. A vet tech came out to pick up Elsa and ask about my concerns. Today, the doctor came out to talk to me before getting Elsa back. She said she had an ear infection, and her skin lesions were infected too. She gave her a long-term ear treatment and put her on an antibiotic for the various infections and a pain killer for her ear. She also told me that I wasn't to give her the pills I had been giving her for her skin lesions. She had given her another long-term injection to address that problem. The pills I gave her reduced her immune system, which was counter-indicated given her infections and the antibiotic she prescribed.

  At no point did this good doctor tell me my choices and how much it all cost. She just went for it and handed me the bill. I was a little shocked. I might have agreed to it all, but I was never asked. I had a friend, who does have financial issues, tell me she had similar experiences with this vet services. The head doctor, the owner, always discussed options with her before prescribing. He understood that she had financial issues and would prefer the less expensive route. Both the injection for Elsa's ear infection and the one for her skin infection were high-cost solutions. She had the ear infection injection once before; that's how I knew that. By the time the doctor mentioned it to me, it had already been administered.

     I only had two tutoring sessions scheduled for today; the one for adolescent D was canceled. He had a Boy Scout meeting. I was delighted. I was suffering from burnout. It all seemed too hard for me.

            I had an appointment with I. We worked on writing about Justin Bieber, her obsession. She wanted to write about how he became famous. He posted some performances on YouTube at thirteen, and someone saw it and recognized his potential.   Mom gave no thought to her son being thrown into the limelight, but she did have thoughts about putting him in the care of Scooter Braun because he was Jewish. She wanted a Christian. Now Bieber's mother may not have explicitly been anti-Semitic versus feeling she could trust someone of her religious persuasion more. To her credit, she finally did accept Braun's offer to work with him. 

            I've seen that bias before. I had a casual friend who wanted counseling for her daughter. She knew I did healing. She wasn't opposed to my method, but she wanted a "Christian" counselor. She found one for her daughter. I later found out that the "Christian" counselor did more harm than good. There's no easy way to dodge dodgy practices. 

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Musings:

   Marx on the damage of property ownership:  It switches our focus from character and relationships to material acquisition. 

     I was shocked to learn specific facts about Marx's thinking. He wanted the state to be the sole owner of property because he felt it was the ownership of property dehumanized humanity.   It dehumanized the wealthy as well as the poor. To a certain extent, I can see his point.

            The turning point for humanity was ownership. At that point, our focus turned to personal accumulation of things versus a common concern about the community. Marx may have had his finger on the pulse of truth; it's just his solution that was way off.

            Before man started planting crops, necessitating landownership, no one owned property. However, it wasn't the state that lay claim to the vast landscape; it was God. To make the state, the owner elevated it to God status. That became literal. Oy vey!  

            Poor confused Marx. And heaven protect us from all those who buy into this understanding of how to cure man's ills. Good try, no cigar, Karl baby.