Friday, April 16, 2021
It started out as a busy day. Once I had completed my walk, fed Elsa, and shoved some food in my mouth, I drove Elsa to the dog groomer. I used to take her to Petco, but this guy does it for half the price. Mike would never have tolerated him. He does his work in this hole in the wall with all Gerry-rigged equipment, and he works in a wife-beater shirt. Oh, boy. I’d apologize to Mike, but I think this guy is great. He’s a wonderful loving guy, and I can pick her up an hour after I drop her off, okay, maybe two hours. Today I took her down sometime between seven and seven-thirty. I drove home for my session with Shelly.
I had a bad night wrestling with an old issue with one of the essential people in my life. It creates distrust for both of us. It would be lovely if it could be resolved, but I don’t think it’s doable. I would love an apology from the other person, but I don’t hold out much hope that will happen. It would involve her facing that she did something inspired by her unconscious. It was deliberate but not conscious. That may be too much to ask of her. On the other hand, I also owe her an apology for what I did that created her distrust. Not that I did something ‘wrong.” Regardless, it had that impact. I’m asking her to do something I’m not willing to do. Hmmm!
The most dramatic moment in the session had nothing to do with unresolved relationships. It had to do with Mike’s relationship with Yvette. From what she told me, he went up to her at one point and said they couldn’t continue having lunch together because I was jealous. I had been furious about something he had done with Yvette, but I wasn’t jealous.
He had offered her my car without consulting me first. Mike’s connection to Yvette was strong; he had a strong need to take care of her. That was okay, but he couldn’t give away my things without consulting me. That’s what I was furious about, and I was furious. I said, “Why don’t you just kill me and give her all my possessions.” I can see where he might have interpreted that as jealousy, but Mike knew me. I don’t lean toward jealousy. I don’t know why; I just don’t. However, when he presumed that he could do things with my possessions, that was another thing.
He used to do that with things I left lying around. He would disappear my possessions in the name of creating order. It was almost unconscious, but he learned not to do that, to always ask me if he could. I always thanked him for asking me. I knew he had to make a significant change to make that happen. I was deeply grateful.
I sobbed, realizing that he had cut short the pleasure he could have shared with Yvette because of this misunderstanding. One of my grief phases is sobbing about things he missed because of his death. The first was deep grief for the world because they lost this incredible man and all he had to give. The second phase was grief about all he had lost by dying. All the joy and pleasure he had to look forward to in all aspects of his life. He loved living here in Hawaii. He volunteered, he had friends, and our marriage was in a wonderful phase with no reason to think it would go south. In the third year since his death, it is only now that I am finally grieving for all I’ve lost with his death. Boy, missing him has hit hard.
I was expecting Judy to come over at 10. I had time to go pick up Elsa. I got home in plenty of time. Judy came bearing food, hot and sour chicken. Scott calls her meals on wheels. She often calls right before I start to make dinner and asks if she can drive down and deliver the evening’s leftovers. Now I have six meals in the fridge, two from Judy and four from the gardener.
Judy was over to finish her suggestions for my video. Her input is just fantastic. She also had a burning question. It was what to do when a child doesn’t read at all. I finally said what has always been evident to me -model. Just sit there, and identify the sound and the letters that make them. The child doesn’t even have to sit still consistently. Modeling or performing a task while the ‘students’ watch is a time-honored way to teach. You just model till the student asks a question. You ask, ‘does that work?’ Try it. Just leave room for the student to observe and ask questions. Works like a charm.
I had an appointment with E. He said he wanted to start earning his own money. I think he thinks in limited ways. I had something else on my mind but managed to do some work with him. He felt increased relaxation; that’s how I knew the work had a positive effect. Let’s see if he finds a way to earn money appropriate for him.
Last week, we worked on a disruption to the cohesion of his social group over a girl. He said all was peaceful again. It had blown over.
I was supposed to have I. in the late afternoon. I was all connected and waiting for her to enter the Zoom meeting, but nothing. I called her mom. Many apologies: she was sick because of her second Covid shot, and I. was late a school. She had to cancel for the day.
I have been enjoying Balthazar. I like the characters.
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