Sunday, April 11, 2021

 Sunday, April 11, 2021

             I had a tough night. I am in an unresolved conflict with several people. The conflict arises from such different lifestyles; there is no way to reconcile them, despite efforts. So sad. I have to settle without being able to. This is somewhat new for me. I have cut people off when they're too much for me, but this is setting boundaries instead of absolute ones. Mike and   I set boundaries with each other. We told each other when we had violated each other. In fact, that was one of the premises of our relationship.

            Mike made up his mind that he wanted to marry me before our first date. I was it. How lucky was I?!! We often think women pursue men and trap them into marriage. I know several cases where the man who knows  'this is it' before the woman. 

            At the start of my relationship with Mike, I brought up the issue of boundary protection. Both of us were raised by mothers who had no boundaries. They believed they were allowed to do whatever they wanted without regard for our feelings. I had recently read a book on the subject; I remember the title being Hitting Below the Belt. (The only book of that title I can find now is a love story. The book I was thinking of is a self-help book. I must have the wrong title.) It was instructions on how to deal with conflict. The important point was to stop before harm was done. I showed Mike something I learned from life-savings instruction, the life-savings tap. 

            In life-saving instruction classes, you work with a partner; one of you is the drowning person, and the other is the life-saver. You have to struggle with each other underwater. One of the participants may be in trouble and need air. If they struggle, are they acting their part, or are they really in trouble? To resolve that confusion, the person in trouble taps twice on the other guy's body. The exercise comes to an immediate stop. With Mike and me, the deal was if one of us tapped, we immediately stopped whatever was going on. We could always revisit it. It worked beautifully for us. It took me many years to think of how someone could abuse this trick. Anything can be abused if the goal is superiority or power. We eventually dropped the tapping. I don't know how many years it was before we did. We still violated each other's boundaries and expressed objections, but we could do it without that aid.

            I like negotiation. Many others don't. It's not that I always do it right. I don't. But I'd rather try it than not. I can see where those who don't like to negotiate would be very uncomfortable with me. Of course, I'm very uncomfortable with them. Is there a right or wrong? Is there a way of resolving those differences?  

            I faced something in myself today. I want people to see my point of view. I can do it with others. I can see where they're coming from. However, I'm not good about saying I'm sorry when I feel unheard myself. I'm in a situation where I can acknowledge to my friends that someone I'm in conflict with was hurt. They have told me so. Their behavior has also hurt me. I have no evidence they even see that I have reason to be hurt. Saying I'm sorry feels like admitting I'm in the wrong, exclusively. Whatever the problem is, it is all my fault. The other person walks away with no interest in seeing my point of view. Is there anyone good in this situation? One of the people I'm in conflict with actually told me that she finds my inclination to always see the other person's point of view annoying; she thinks I'm other-directed. What the hell am I going to do in that situation?  

            The model for the apologizing behavior I have in mind is the behavior of customer service providers. Have you ever noticed? You damage something, and they say, "I'm sorry to hear you're having trouble." Have you ever noticed how your frayed nerves lay back down upon hearing this? Those very words can make things worse depending upon the tone of voice used. My favorite, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I'm not responsible for your feelings?" Really??? I have never agreed with that bullshit. 

            I had a therapist trying to convince me that I had no responsibility for my mother's discomfort with me. That didn't make sense. I may have been the child and she the adult, but that didn't mean that she wasn't hurt by what I did. She was hurt because I disagreed with her about the beauty of a model on the TV is irrelevant. Her internal system undoubtedly caused her pain, but it was also triggered by me. It wouldn't have been triggered if I hadn't shared my opinion on that model's appearance. The therapist argued that my mother was damaged goods. True. My counterargument was, what if she was a burn victim? Could you argue that I was not the cause of her pain when I bumped into her because I didn't cause the burns? I needed, still need, some way to thread my way through this narrow path. Okay. Next therapy session.