Sunday, April 4, 2021

Sunday, April 4, 2021

 

            After posting last year's update on the blog, I checked the stats, as I always do. What do you know? A zero for yesterday-the first in a long time. I have been running ones through threes, fours, and even sevens. Wow! Where are the advertisers?

            I wrote a story based on words with -am, like ham, Sam, Tammy, slam, etc., for the woman who contacted me for help with the student she's tutoring in LA.  

            I had a shock today. I saw a video of one of my nieces. When she's around me, her face and body are in motion in ways that look like discomfort to me. When she walks, she flounces. Today, I saw her as if I had never seen her. Her face and body were composed. Seeing her this way made me think she only moved that way when I was around; it said she was very uncomfortable with me. She had given me other indications of this in her behavior. Boy, that blew me out of the water. I knew I wasn't one of her favorite people, -but this degree of discomfort was unexpected. It triggered loneliness in me. I could always come home to Mike, and he would hug me and assure me that he was comfortable with me. 

            I was on the verge of calling Jean, Mike's ex, who has become one of my best friends, really a sister. She has a knack for comforting me. I have several people close to me who are uncomfortable with me. Of course, I'm uncomfortable with them too. However, I tend to find everyone interesting and seek a way to relate. According to them, the fault for our relationship's failure falls on me. "You're weird. I don't know anyone else like you." It's sort of funny when I look at the family members they find acceptable. Weird? OMG! I'm only weird because I think abstractly, philosophically, ask for what I want and approach people with an openness that closed people find disconcerting. Well, those are the only items I know of.

            Now, in all fairness, I am a bold presence. Some people think that makes me the best thing since sliced bread. Even Mike, who was more compressed than me, said that he loved my openness because he didn't have to guess what I was thinking. But there is the other end of the spectrum. However, after many years, he finally spoke up about how I approached employees in stores when I needed help. He said I had to say excuse me first. I told him not when I had already made eye contact; that was unnecessary. Oh?

            Just as I was thinking of calling Jean for comfort, Damon called. I wept on the call with him. While he advised me on fixing it, mostly accepting the reality and avoiding the people who upset me, he was also a comfort. Cylin, his wife, chimed in. She recognized the depth of my loss. Having someone who knows you well, has lived with you for 45 years, and still finds you wonderful cannot be replaced by a whole herd of friendly people with who you have light contact.

            At 1 pm, I had The Awareness Keys to Excellent Living zoom presentation. Last week's key was clarity. During the week, I couldn't remember what it was and had to ask Yvette to remind me. Nonetheless, I had been working on precisely that issue. I clarified several issues. So far, every key the presenter has mentioned, Gratefulness, Humility, Clarity, and now Language, are issues that are always on my mind. No, it doesn't mean that I'm way ahead of others. I still struggle, particularly with Language. I think my words are pretty good when I argue. Also, I have gotten much, much better about timing. I don't put down the other person; however, my tone is off. When I get scared, I get louder, more dramatic, more sarcastic, more in general. I can't imagine it is pleasant to deal with. I have been working for years to get control of this trait- with only moderate improvement. 

      I do think focusing on a single aspect at a time is helpful. The clarity key impacted me even though I wasn't consciously aware of it. Having achieved clarity, I said what I had to say. I didn't say anything accusatory. However, I didn't say it gently either. The other person tried to lay it all on me, saying she knew no one else like me. (That wasn't a compliment.) I interpreted that to mean that something was wrong with me. Afterward, I thought, "Of course, you know no one else like me." When you have contact with such a person, you hightail it out of there lickety-split."  I don't run quite as fast from people that are like her. I stick around like some masochist in hopes of resolving differences and finding an area of commonality. Sometimes, you have to give up. I have been known to give up, but it's usually on moral issues, not stylistic differences.

            I liked the point on Language. Three gates of speech: 1) Is what I have to say necessary for my well-being, 2) Can I express it kindly or clearly. 3) Right timing. I'm good at all three professionally, not that I don't make mistakes. On a personal level, I have had my moments. However, if I'm scared, #2 is my Achilles heel. I don't put people down or tell them something is all their fault. But boy, do I get loud, and I sound aggressive. My mouth says one thing; my body says something entirely different. I understand it's fear, but it's hard for people to see fear. My defense is to fight- to the death if necessary. It's hard to see me as vulnerable. 

            I must say the presenter contradicted herself. She said we should never say should and then gave a list of words we "shouldn't" use. I think she means never to say should in an argument with another person.

            I needed to withdraw into a fiction book. I checked my Kindle, but my Kindle was bare. I called Amazon. Yes, they had cut off my account. It probably happened when they shut down my Amazon account due to an unpaid bill. I straightened that out, but it didn't automatically affect my Kindle. 

       As I got ready for bed last night, I heard a coqui in my yard. Coquis are these quarter-sized frogs that came to Hawaii via Puerto Rico in plants. The Puerto Ricans love them. There these frogs have natural enemies that keep their numbers in check. Here there are no natural enemies, and their population is overwhelming. In Puerto Rico, they provide a comforting background noise. Here their numbers are so high, that it is impossible to hear the TV or a sermon in a church at night. Not only that, but they're mutating. They are growing larger and becoming active during the day as well as at night. It's a nightmare. 

     In response to hearing this coqui, I got out of bed and headed out to the front yard in my underpants with a bag of baking soda in hand. Baking soda kills them. As I approached the spot where I heard the sound, the croaking stopped. I stood still. If I moved, it stopped. I stood still. I only could do so much. I thought it was coming from a particular shrub. I poured baking soda over the area. The creature croaked as I walked back to the house. Did I get the bugger? I don't know.