Wednesday, May 19, 2021

Wednesday, May 19, 2021

 

I had a fantastic night's sleep. I slept deeply from 10 to midnight. I got up to pee and went back to sleep for another three hours. Then I spent some time agitating. I haven't suffered like this in years. I thought this kind of suffering was behind me, conquered. Guess not. It was Mike who protected me from others; it seems he also protected me from myself.  

            Mike complained about ongoing anxiety. That's why he took those pills, to quiet that feeling. He said that life wasn't worth living if he couldn't silence them. It does seem that those pills were the ones that triggered his pancreatitis. So sad. I wish I could have done as much for him as he did for me. The big difference between us was he always looked calm, while I didn't. That was the joke. He was suffering more from anxiety than I was. I just showed it more. I still do. 

            The good news is that I can quiet my anxiety for at least some part of every day. The bad news is I realize this is how I lived my whole childhood, gripped with fear. 

            I sent G a Zoom link. He got on, and then his mom said she thought Monday was our last appointment before they left the island for the summer. The plan is to start up again in two weeks once they are settled in Michigan. Mom paid me in advance and sent me a text listing the dates. Yep, she was right. Between my anxiety and my shifting schedule, I have been pretty confused. This confusion is a little scary. I had another incident like that earlier in the week. I tried to connect with a student on Tuesday and had forgotten it was on Monday. When I. didn't show up on Tuesday, I texted mom to find out 'what's the haps.' She didn't get back to me until a day later to tell me I had the days mixed up. Ow! Another ow!   

     Today was the last session in the Grief Workshop. Daniela led us through a visualization. It started with a breathing exercise. She had us connect with our 'beloved' and recite the Ho'oponopono, "I'm sorry. Forgive me. Thank you. I love you." We envisioned our 'beloved' and recited the prayer while looking into their eyes. She had us picture our 'beloved' giving us a gift. Mike's gift to me was a diamond engagement ring. I was very touched even though wearing something so conventional was not us.

No one in my family wears an engagement ring, no less a diamond engagement ring. Mike and I lived together for nine years before we got married. That was my choice. I was afraid of ruining a good relationship. A friend of his ex-wife's convinced me to get married. She said, "Oh, for heaven's sake, Betty. Do it for you, mother," and I did. But I made sure to protect my relationship from the impact of the marriage ritual. I told people I was married for a year before I was. That meant that I never knew if I was lying or telling the truth. Yep, I lied not to confuse others but to confuse myself. Then it was two years before I wore a ring. (Mike never wore one.) 

We bought the ring I'm wearing to this day at a Cape May gift shop. I saw it in a display case and knew I wanted it. Mike argued about buying it, "You'll never wear it." I insisted. We spent $200 on a twisted gold band with some black inlay. I thought the inlay was onyx. As the years passed, some of the black inlays fell out. I went to a jeweler to have them replaced. No, they were not onyx. Onyx could never be broken down into such slivers; the inlays were black plastic. I thought, "Perfect!". Our relationship had a foundation of solid gold with some fakery. Isn't there always some fakery in all relationships? Fake it until you make it, and let it go even though you disagree and are disturbed. Before Mike died, two of the three plastic slivers had fallen out. I took it as a metaphor for the deepening of our relationship. We became more and more ourselves as time passed. He died before the third fell out. It's still in there. I have worn that ring every day since we purchased it in that Cape May gift shop. I still love it.

    Continuing on the theme of confusion. I sent A a Zoom link for a session when I was supposed to send it to M. When I was on Zoom with M, we continued working on a story she started last week. Oh, boy, she's writing a horror story. I'm wondering what her parents will say about this. She has promised me that the story would have a happy ending. So far, it involves toys coming to life, destroying anything that conflicts with the kids giving their undivided attention to the toys, and finally trying to kill the kids. I asked if she watched a lot of horror stories. No, her parents don't allow that. I can imagine that.

            I had an appointment with adolescent D. We did more of Phase I of the Phonics Discovery System, focusing on figuring out the individual sounds in words and what letters represent them. In our last session, D posted a clapping hands icon. Today I asked him if that was applause for himself and how much better he was doing. He said he didn't know. Okay. He did say today that he sees a difference in his ability to read the material at school. 

            Today I started some work with D on handwriting. Since I can't see him, he won't allow it; I can't observe his body mechanics when writing. I tried to show him what I did via Zoom. Then I did the modeling with him closing his eyes and remembering how I formed the letter. The word he had the most difficulty reading was THREE. He read it as THERE and TREE. I told him this was one of the first words he learned. In my experience, students often continue to have problems with basic sight words long after they learn to read longer words. He was able to read the word SNAKEBITE with a hitch and got stuck on THREE.