Sunday, May 9, 2021

 Sunday, May 9, 2021

                  Boy, I had one of my worst nights. The pain in my leg kept me up. I settled down when I put a pillow between my knees. The pain was a response to the acupuncture work done yesterday. It was a little scary. You never know if that pain is a sign of transition or the end. I am delighted to report that my leg was better than ever when I did my morning walk. The annoying nerve discomfort I suffered from wasn’t present. 

            Besides the pain I dealt with last night, I started hearing voices. I assumed it was my imagination. Then when I got up to go to the bathroom, it was louder. My computer was at it again. I had shut my computer without closing the Amazon screen playing Endeavor. All was good for most of the night. Then, suddenly, the video started playing, even though the computer was shut. I went out into the living room, opened the computer, and closed the Amazon screen. Ah, silence. Ah, I’m not nuts.

            I received a “Mother’s Day card” video from Cylin and Damon. I’m sure Damon just forgot. He made all sorts of cracks about doing it this way because there is no way I’ve had enough screen time over the last year. They also started singing Happy Mother’s Day to the tune of Happy Birthday. They did it in the style that Mike and I sang Happy Birthday to people. Mike couldn’t sing. We made a virtue out of Mike’s inability to carry a tune. We caterwauled. I loved doing that. Sadly, Cylin cut Damon off after one line. I would have loved to have heard the whole thing.

            Mike was a terrible singer, really bad. When he sang on the altar, along with the rest of the congregation, the priest would tell him to turn off his mic. It was a joke. The first time I heard him sing was January 1, 1974, as we walked home from our first New Year’s Eve party. It was the two of us with a friend of mine from graduate school in Wisconsin. Sharon and I started to do some jazz riffs; Mike joined in. I loved that he was able to throw in his hat and do the best he could. For the rest of our life together, I would ask him to sing to me when I felt down. I loved the sound of his voice, his effort, his courage, and his goodwill.

     Jean, my hanai sister, proposed getting together with Damon and family for Mother’s Day. Eleven o’clock Hawaiian time was set. Damon would initiate the meeting. Cylin and August were on for a while. It is always good to see everyone. Jean is always reluctant to turn on her camera. She never likes the way she looks. Who the hell does like the way they look? When you see movie stars without their makeup, you understand why they lay it on. 

    I finally got around to bathing Elsa. Her skin is a mess again, all broken out. The meds and the special food don’t seem to be helping.

      I had another of the Keys to Excellent Living Workshop with Yoga Farms Ithaca. Today’s key was surrender. Boy, has that term been overused and poorly defined? Daniela said something about surrendering to our lack of peace if that’s what we were suffering from. Ah, I understood the term surrender differently. It finally had meaning to me. I wouldn’t use the word surrender; I would say to greet my lack of peace with equanimity. Either way, I was able to do it again. I fell asleep and got a deep healing besides ‘surrendering’ to my lack of peace.

            Besides my deep healing, I was inspired to work on a troubled relationship. I have seen a very dark compressed place in the other person. It makes them seem cold to me. They have a façade of warmth and engagement, but it’s not the whole picture. Whether it’s true of the other person or not, I looked for that aspect in myself. Whadaya know, I found it. It’s nestled in the left side of my abdomen. Maybe if I learn to have compassion for that part of myself, I’ll have an easier time dealing with it in this other person.  

            I’m reading How We Learn by Stanislas Dehaene. I enjoy this book more than a mystery or any novel. I am drawn to neuroscience, but not for its own sake. I’m drawn so I can learn more about how to apply it to my learning strategies. I comb the book looking for clues. 

            Dahaene spoke about the structure of the nerve. I audited several courses in neuroscience when I lived in Princeton. It was overwhelming. I stopped reading and reviewed the neuron. I can’t believe that my understanding had slipped so far from the reality.   I don’t know if I need to know all those details to develop my teaching strategies. Still, I don’t want to claim a background in neuroscience and then not even have a clear picture of the structure of a neuron- kind of basic.

    I watched some more Endeavor. So far, I haven’t recognized any of the shows in season 4 except the first one.