Friday, May 31, 2024

 Friday, May 31, 2024

   I had an appointment with Shelly, my life coach/therapist. I struggle with anxiety and a lifelong fear of doing things for fear of failure, the very thing I help my students with. I don't fear failing at the same things they do.

Sometimes, my fears are trivial, like whether I will make a mess of a bush when I trim it.  I keep Darby's words  about her gardening efforts in mind: "We're not so much good gardeners as persistent." I can do persistent. I have to think about it like I do about my hair: a bad haircut will grow out. The same holds for the plants. However, plants can get out of hand, and it's so much work to get them under control again.

   As the session with Shelly progressed, I came across a feeling I hadn't dealt with before a desire for revenge against my mom for how she treated me.  It wasn't overpowering, but I could sense it lurking in the background. It's not that I wasn't aware of my anger, just not my need for revenge.  My love for her was strong enough to keep that impulse in check.  It wasn't just my love for her that kept it in check, but also my love for myself.  Who wants to be a hateful person? It's not my best look.

My mom acted out her frustrations on her mother. When my grandmother hadn't cleaned something well,  my mom humiliated her. When I noticed my mom failing to clean something well, I thought she didn't deserve kindness and tolerance. She didn't give it; she didn't deserve it. I had a friend who wisely said, "No, she doesn't deserve it, but you do!" I deserved to be a patient, kind, and loving person.  If this revengeful sentiment is coming to my attention, I'd better deal with it. There are people I don't love as much as I did my mom.  I might find a release for my cruel streak with them. I deserve better.  I'm not prepared to live with that order of pure nasty in myself.

  This morning, I made it to the Hula class at 10 am before the class started. While it's not complete torture, neither is it soul-satisfying. I can only do so much because my arms get tired. It will be one year on June 13 since I crushed my left elbow and shoulder joints. On June 15, it will be one year since I had the elbow reconstruction. On June 22, it will be the one-year anniversary of my reverse shoulder replacement.  I did a bang-up job with that fall. I am recovering remarkably well – for my age. My PT said my body heals at the rate of someone twenty years younger, and my recovery of movement is that of someone forty years younger. That's because my mother bequeathed me her "you and who else" attitude.  Whatever she took from me, she gave me that. It was a gift of hope and self-agency. It was how she lived. She took on major life problems with stunning grit. She was one brave lady.

While the Hula class is hard on me, it is also good for me. It forces me to use my arms in ways I wouldn't usually. Also, because I have to learn new patterns, it's good for my brain.  I want to go down with my boots on.

  When I read last year's blog entry for this date, I discovered Adolescent D moved up a grade level in reading from fifth grade to sixth. It took three years to get him up to fifth grade.  Not bad if I do say so myself. D would never say it.

   I  checked out the guest room in preparation for Issac's visit. It didn't look or smell too bad. It's been almost year since Scott left and someone has entered that room. I opened windows to air it out. I'll do some dusting; the window sills are covered with Kona dirt, mostly soil blown in. despite the closed windows. I will let Issac vacuum and clean the bathroom.

   I heard Simon Sinek's interview with Steve Bartlett on Diary of a CEO.  He said people co-create a relationship.  This skill is essential in long-term intimate couple relationships. Mike and I described our relationship that way. We responded to each other. We built something unique to us.

    Traditionally, relationships were determined by preexisting rules for the roles of women and men in marriage. Entering into the marriage partnership was primarily a process of assuming a role.  The degree of intimacy varied.

    Nowadays, everyone has to co-create their relationship in a long-term situation. All relationships have elements of co-creation if they are to progress.  There are ways to avoid it. If you confine a relationship to a specific interaction, like playing golf or watching football, you can stick to a script without much variation. You can only speak about things other than yourselves, not anything involving life's joys and sorrows.  Certainly, never providing emotional support.  That would be much too invasive, much too intimate.

   These days, we run into trouble because there isn't a single set of relationship rules we all follow. While it is possible to find someone who will operate on a set of rules compatible with your own, the relationship is bound to wind up with a hitch if contact is frequent enough. That is the real test of a relationship: how to resolve a difference.

      One solution is to ignore the irritation. It is viable as is denial.  I had to learn the skill of denial.  Believe me, it is valuable. It can get you through another day. As the AA's Serenity prayer says, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."  Let's add here the wisdom to know when it is me who should change versus the external circumstances.