Wednesday, May 29, 2024

 Wednesday, May 29, 2024   

       I was up all night struggling with anxiety and sadness around an unresolved issue.  I tried meditation. I tried ordering myself to stop. What did work was my telling myself that I loved myself.  It assured me that someone had my back. This loneliness crap sucks.  

I heard a speaker on Diary of a CEO saying that society foisted loneliness on us. Garbage, I say. Many emotional reactions are preprogrammed responses. The hardware in our brains was designed to keep us alive when the human race was young, and we were few and far between. We formed groups and watched each other's backs- little military squads, sections, or platoons.  If we were separated from our group, it meant certain death. We all feel compelled to find protection. It's too bad that the T.V. characters that fill our lives can't serve that function, but they don't.  I have a bevy of friends; they don't serve that function either. I need someone camped in my camp, my home, who shares the campfire with me and watches out for me as I do for them. I don't have that anymore. It's a hard way to live. I can tell myself this is the modern world, and I don't need that type of protection, but the limbic system says, "Forget it!"

       I got a text from Issac yesterday asking when he could call me. Issac was one of my walking buddies when he lived here for a year as a volunteer teacher in a Seventh-Day Adventist school. He came here assuming he would develop friendships with the members of his church, particularly with people around his age. None of that happened. He came from a devoted family of four kids; he attended a Seventh-Day Adventist College, where his twin sister and one of his brothers also attended. 

      I  texted Issac that I could speak to him any morning while walking. We spoke this morning. He filled me in on his life, twin sisters', and baby brother's.  Issac had just returned from a trip to Spain with the choral group from his school.  In the fall, he will be going to medical school. He told me the name, but I forgot. It's a Seventh-Day Adventist school, just like his undergraduate school. At the end of a lengthy conversation, he told me he was coming to Hawaii and asked if he could stay at my house. He's done that to me several times, talked at length about any number of things, and at the end say, "Oh, by the way . . ., "and then tell me why he really called. I've told him again that it makes me feel terrible when he does that. It makes me feel manipulated and conned.  "Tell me the reason for calling upfront. Then, if you want to, we can talk about other things."  People do this because they think it's polite. I find the behavior confusing at best and hurtful at worst. Do people really find this behavior polite? It just sounds evasive to me. The person is trying to convince me they didn't call for self-centered motives. Yuck! Then I'm the rude one for calling them on it. I would prefer he had called and said, "Hey, Betty. I'm coming for a visit. Can I stay at your house?" When I said yes, he could have said, "Great! Thanks! Looking forward to spending some time with you when I visit." I vastly prefer that.

      I dropped Elsa off at the vet around 7:30 a.m. She was scheduled for dental care. Given my upset last night, separating from her was tough. I was practically in tears.  And then, I forgot to leave her my sweatshirt for comfort. They would call me when she was ready for pick up.

I spoke to Mama K this morning. I had two questions: 1. Was she okay? The last time I talked to her, she had a bad cold. Apparently, it wasn't Covid   2. Could I work with the girls today?  She said no because her older daughter had both P.T. and volleyball practice.  Then, she called me later to say the kids got out of school early and had time to work with me.  I told Mama K I was concerned about Twin A. She seemed sullen and restless. Mama K argued she just didn't want to do anything. 

        Today, I had a new client, third-grade L.G. His mom responded to my ad on Next Door. I need one or two more clients to make me happy. I've submitted two applications to volunteer as a tutor: one for Home Boys in L.A. and a second for Hawaii KidsCan; I am still waiting for someone to respond. Why is it so hard to volunteer? 

I met with third-grade L.G. on Zoom. His mom was present at my request. When I meet with a child, I want a parent there to protect the child. Unfortunately, they usually think their purpose is to protect me from their child's poor behavior. I had to ask L.G.'s mom to back off several times. A child's behavior indicates something worthwhile pursuing.  

       L.G. was frowning when the session started. I told him he looked unhappy about tutoring. I assured him he could tell me the truth. He relaxed a smidgen.  Next, I asked him to tell me something he enjoyed doing. He pulled out a miniature skateboard.  He had small desktop ramps for it. He tried to demonstrate what he did with them but couldn't get it to work on the surface of a book cover. For me to see his skateboard on his ramps, he would have to set up the computer camera angle. His mother said we would try next time.

     He told me he also liked dirt biking with his dad and his dad's friends. I said he hung out with the big boys.  I asked him if he knew why his mom asked me to work with him. He grimaced. "You don't think you need help with reading." He nodded. I told him I would ask him to read to me. He read low third-grade passages slowly with lots of errors. I described what I had seen. He agreed. "You feel you don't need help because you always know what the words say." He nodded." You guess the words a lot?" Yeah. I want to help you read those words better.

I started modeling phonemes using the text he had just read. He ducked his head. His mom told him to sit up and pay attention. I asked her to let me deal with it. Every minute of his behavior tells me something about what he knows and doesn't. If he's uncomfortable, it says he has a problem with this skill. I asked him if he found the sounds irritating. Yes. Did he have trouble following what the teacher said in school? Yes.  

     I recommended listening to the 5 Stories YouTube video at night while he was sleeping. I performed the phonemic analysis more slowly, dragging out the sounds. Did that feel better? Yes. I started to speed the process up. Did that still feel good? No. The session was over. I told his mom to wait before playing the video for L.G. at night while he slept.  It might still be too irritating. I wanted it to be comforting.  I hope I can get him comfortable with the speed of production I used on the video. At the end of the session, I asked him to rate the session on a scale of 1-10. He said a 9.

     After the session, I went to the vet to pick up Elsa. I expected it to be a quick in and out. I'd pay the bill, they'd hand me Elsa, and we would go home.  They told me she would be ready by three. I got there by three-thirty, and I still had a half-hour wait after I paid. The estimate had been $1500 to $1800.  The bill was $1800. That told me Elsa had teeth pulled. Eventually, a tech came out, sat on the bench with me, and went over what they'd done to Elsa and what I had to do for aftercare. Besides routine dental care, scraping plaque, they extracted 10 (ten) teeth. OMG! To boot, she had a fistula, a hole that went from her mouth into her sinuses.  The tech gave me instructions on what I was going to have to do for the next two weeks: give her medication and hand feed soft or softened food. It took another fifteen minutes before they finally delivered Elsa to my waiting arms. She wore an Elizabethan collar. It would have to stay on for two weeks to protect her mouth because she had stitches.

     I contacted all of Elsa's friends, those she regularly hugged on her walks, and invited them to visit her since she couldn't go for her usual long walks. Gayle and Lutz stopped by. Gayle has become especially attached to Elsa.

Yvette came up for a visit. She has a blow-up neck pillow that fits Little, which is about Elsa's size. That might be more comfortable. I would call the vet in the morning to get more information.