Wednesday, July 17, 2024

 Wednesday, July 17, 2024  

   I had a difficult night. I didn't sleep well and did a significant amount of stinking thinking.  I look for a problem to get upset about. It's like an addiction; it's my nervous system's default mode. I know it is also the default mode of the human mind.  While I cannot ever wholly rid myself of negative thinking about the world around me and myself, my aim is to determine how much is specific to my background and my nervous system versus the negative thinking I am biologically compelled to do.  There's another consideration. The biologically negative thinking was determined by the survival needs of my prehistoric ancestors. I don't live in a world presenting the same danger from my physical or social world as my ancestors did. My life is rarely at risk. I should be able to limit negative thinking.

   We live like zoo animals, protected from real external dangers for our minds to focus on. This exposes us to our mind's need to dwell on the hidden and not-so-hidden potential dangers in our world, leaving us vulnerable to our need to protect ourselves when we have nothing to protect ourselves from. Then, add to that people who constantly put us down. While that is unpleasant, it is only threatening when our chance to gain access to material goods is limited. Unfortunately, if our ancestors were in life-threatening social situations, we carry that knowledge of what other humans are capable of

   Shalom Ausländer was interviewed on Fresh Air today. His new book, Feh, continues exploring the theme of feeling worthless, primarily because religion and parents tell us we are worthless. Many parents believe convincing a child of their worthlessness is a religious duty. Ausländer's family was some extreme version of Orthodox Jewish. But guilt and shame can be sold wholesale under any religious banner. Really, you don't even need a religious banner to hide behind. You can do it just because you feel like it.

  My mom did it because she felt like it, because it had been done to her, and because she thought it was better for her children to hear negative things about themselves than positive things. Research shows that excessive amounts of either good or bad feedback are harmful. The best feedback is honest feedback on things that please and things that displease.

   Drowning a child in negative feedback is right up there with sexual abuse. Being sexual is built into our nervous system.  Taking advantage of that in a child is considered sexual abuse. Telling a child they are bad because they manifest any sexual feelings isn't considered abuse, but it should be.  Taking advantage of the normal human tendency to think negatively about themselves by swamping a child with external negative feedback is also abuse. The parents are preying on the child's natural human propensity to think negatively. Telling a child only positive things is also abusive, or at least it has negative consequences.  We want the truth, only the truth. The truth will set us all free.

  I met with Shelly today, my therapist/life coach. I am often in pain and feel sorrow, mainly when I'm alone and undistracted. How much of this is current loneliness, and how much is historical.  I remember feeling lonely before my sister was born when I was four and a half. I hoped her birth would bring relief; it didn't. I thought my mom, dad, and I would be in a group caring for her. That didn't happen. I was treated as a threat to my sister, some monster that she had to be protected from, even though I made no effort to harm her.  But that was the story at the time.

   Today, I dealt with the anger I felt in response to the pain. The anger stirs adrenaline, and I'm up and fighting for myself. At least someone's there for me. If I have someone else to do something for, then I can channel the energy into something positive. Getting myself in a positive gear is much harder when it's just for me.

   I've never dealt with the anger this way before in therapy. It was intense.  My stomach growled throughout our time together. A promising sign I was working on something meaningful. In the past, a nasty bout of gratuitous anger preceded a significant change in my outlook. I have no idea why I've put it off for so long.

   I left for town shortly after the session. The other day, I noticed my gardenia shrub looked wilted. I put a cutting in a plastic bag and, took pictures, went to Farm and Garden to find out the problem and find a solution. Some bug had made its home on the plant and was destroying it.  The clerk asked me if I wanted a systemic solution or not.  I had no idea what she meant and wasn't up for asking, and she seemed to be in a snappy mood.  I told her I was unequipped to do a systemic solution. She took my word for it and got Monterey Horticultural Oil off the shelf. I paid for it and went home. I had a half-full bottle of the product in the shed. Some pages were missing from the directions on the bottle. When I looked online, I couldn't find them either. I did find that Monterey sold a premixed spray bottle.  That sounded like my speed. I planned to return to the store the next day and explore my options.

  My  Apple Airbook was locked by something claiming to be Microsoft, warning my computer had been hacked. I shut the computer down. When I opened it, it was still locked, the warning dominating my screen. I called the number. Ah, I don't think so. I told the agent I would check if this was valid.  I called Bailey at Jack Be Click.  He said Microsoft never blocked access to a computer; it wasn't them. If I drove to town, he'd fix it.  I did; he did. He downloaded a stronger ad blocker and told me how to correct the problem myself.  Hmm! I don't think so.

  On the way home, I stopped at the transfer station to drop off a load of corrugated cardboard, the only paper product Hawaii still recycles. Then I went to Costco. They still had no vinegar, so I left empty-handed. When I got home, I realized I was out of bagels. Half a bagel with cream cheese and lox has become my daily staple.

  I slept most of the day. At the end of the day, determined to do something productive, I cleaned up the rest of the green waste in the driveway, with plans to take on a severe trimming of the shrubs tomorrow.

    I continued working on comprehension with going-into-fourth-grade L, concentrating on using the words in the sentence to form the question and for him to use when he answered. He sometimes used his own words correctly, but this exercise involved using the exact words in the sentence for the In the Book section. There are three other sections where using his own words is possible, if not necessary, but not here. Here, he has to make sure he knows exactly what the author has said and how it relates to the question.

   The sentence in the text read, "Some people cannot see very well at night." In the Think & Search section, I asked, "Can all people not see well at night." He had no idea what contrasted with All. I drew a line. I wrote All at one end and None at the other.  L could infer that Some might be in the middle. I think it is as important to teach what things are not as what they are.  Information comes in sets.

   At the end of the day, I was still tired. I only went for a short walk with Lutz. Darby didn't join us; she had also had a full day and didn't need any more stimulation.

  I finally bathed Elsa after putting it off two nights in a row. Hopefully, it helps with her skin condition.