Monday, September 16, 2024

 Monday, September 16, 2024

   The last few days have been uncomfortably hot. The temperature has been that high. Jean, in Arizona, reports temperatures in the neighborhood of 105 degrees.  We have nothing like that.  The temperatures were as they usually are, the high 80s tops.  It's the humidity that's killing us.  I put on ceiling fans throughout the house last night after the sun went down to clear the heat.  It was cool enough at night that the light blanket wasn't too much.  But during the day, it was uncomfortable.  My short-sleeved shirt was just bearable on my early morning walk.

   This is the worst time of year in Hawaii. It starts as early as mid-to-late August. It didn't this year. It started later. It breaks in mid-October, after Iron Man and Yvette's birthday. One year, it was so unbearable that students passed out from the heat. After that, they installed air conditioning in the high schools. 

   For most of the year, I wear a sweatshirt for most of the day. Sometimes, it's so cool on the early morning walks that a pair of gloves sounds like a good idea. This time of year, a short-sleeved T-shirt is too much.  

    The breeze at the shore at Old A during the Chi Qigong this morning was a delight. We had a short session because Daniel joined us today. He arrived at about 8:15 and had to leave by 8:30 to make it to work on time.  It was still good. I don't know if I would be so eager to participate without the incredible view of the bay, the rock formations, and the waves at the shoreline. Clyde said he might not be here next week.  He needs a surgical procedure to have a growth removed.  

   I went home immediately after the session on the beach.  I had no shopping to do in town.  Home didn't offer me anything either. I felt I had nothing to do. I could have cleaned the house, but it wasn't that dirty.  A good sweep of the tile floors and a light dusting take care of the worst.  How often can you clean countertops?  I don't do well without activity.  My mother found hard work soothing as I do.  

    Having nothing to do has been hard for me since before my sister was born.  My mother wanted me to sit still like a doll on a shelf.  I remember asking if I could wash the baking potatoes when I was three or four.  You would have thought I asked if I could build a fire in the middle of the living room. Absolutely not. I couldn't possibly do a good job.  Being perfect was an issue for my mom. 

   People who feel they must be perfect at all times come off as insecure. Their concerns are well-earned. If perfection is the only acceptable standard, they will always fall short. These folks are hoisted on their own petards (which are bombs). There are people who feel insecure because they can't match the standards of others. And then there are those who are only safe when they are the only ones who do anything right. They set themselves up as the gold standard and constantly instruct people on the right way to do everything, seeing every comment made to them as a challenge to their position.  Falling below the absolutely right or perfect standard is devastating. I have met a few people like that, and my mom was one of them. She had to be considered right in all regards.  To disagree or contradict her about anything was a put-down. Good God! 

    "It's not personal" is one of my least favorite expressions. I asked Jean if this expression comforted her, and if so, how.  Whadaya know? She finds it as offensive as I do. When someone says that to me, I hear, "Put on your big girl pants and stop whining. You have nothing to complain about."  How is "It's not personal" supposed to be comforting?  

  When a black adolescent boy is killed by a stray bullet while sleeping in his bed, is that mother supposed to not take his death 'personally' because no one aimed to kill him?  People's actions affect us, whether they mean it personally or not. 

   Today, I remembered that people are less distressed by bad things happening if they are caused by acts of nature versus by anything influenced by another human being.  For example, if a house is destroyed by lava flow, it is a force of nature.  If a home is destroyed because of defective wiring, then it is more difficult to accept. We want restitution or revenge. Someone did something wrong.  Nature can't do anything 'wrong.' Nature is always doing the right thing. It's not expected to take human needs into consideration.  It is genuinely not personal.    That doesn't mean the loss of the house due to lava isn't devastating. It just means the added burden of human fault isn't added to the psychological burden.

    Someone accused me of being other-directed. One of the comments I hear most often about me is that I'm completely myself.  How anyone can see me as other-directed was a mystery. The answer is they see me as always trying to understand the other person's point of view.  When I tell friends about this, they say," They don't like that you're empathetic?" It's a quality most people consider positive. Today, I finally saw a possible reason they saw it as negative. 

    Working to see the other person's point of view is a torturous dead end when they don't want you to see it.  We are told one of the greatest needs we have is being seen. I know there are those who have the opposite need. They don't want to be seen.  I can see several reasons for it. First, they can't imagine anyone would like them if they knew them.  The best they can hope for is a good surface appearance that appeals to enough people to make them included and safe.  The second is that they fear that everyone is judgmental.  Those people are often downright delusional. They see others as judgmental of what they are or are not.  If you don't like everything they do, something is wrong with you.  My mom was certainly that way in both senses; she felt everything should be her way, and she feared the judgment of others.  Sounds like a hell hole to me. of course, there are so many ways to dig our way into hell

   Talking about fearing outcomes.  I don't fear judgment as much as actions.  The schools are becoming more and more rigid. I know good teachers who loved the work and left the profession because of this rigidity. It doesn't just impact me because I've developed some unusual methods.  I have already spoken to the assistant principal at Kealakehe Elementary. She told me in no uncertain terms the only volunteers allowed on campus were the ones who did exactly what the teacher told them to do. if the teacher wanted work done with sight vocabulary, they would give you the cards to work with, and that was all you could do- flip through those cards.  You couldn't even apply a conventional multisensory approach.   I called a walking buddy who taught at the school. I thought she could ask other teachers if they would like to work with me.  I think she offered to speak to the principal. When I told her I already had, the conversation was over. '

    I called some charter schools. They all have the same policy. I called a private school. I spoke to a receptionist. That was well over a week ago. I haven't heard a word.  Not only do the schools ban volunteers who don't toe the line, but they won't recommend tutors to parents who don't use their precise methods. Holy moley!

   Meghna Chakrabarti from NPR's On Point had a speaker who interviewed women who had a passel of children.  Women who do this feel children are gifts from God and that it is a special privilege to care for them. All the mothers this woman interviewed were embedded in religious communities that provided support of one sort or another.  I can see that.  Both aspects: seeing childrearing as a God-given mission and managing better within a community.  In my mother's day, women stayed home and met with each other as they brought their children to the park for fresh air and sunshine summer, winter, spring and fall.  Childrearing has become an increasingly isolating endeavor. It's every man for themself.

    From where I'm sitting, people who want children want them so they have something to love and be loved by.  That's a different goal than servicing God's emissaries. Of course, some people who see childrearing as their God-driven mission, have a brood, and abuse each and everyone, never loving or accepting love from any of them.

    For those who don't know, the mongoose is one of the many wild creatures living in Hawaii, with the exception of Kauai. These critters were imported to control the rat population. Only one problem: the mongoose is diurnal, and the rats we have here are nocturnal. Now, we have two populations out of control.

   The original Polynesians brought the rats here for entertainment and target practice. The mongoose was brought here in crates in the 1880s. The rats were invading the sugar plantations. The Barons wanted none of that and thought the mongoose would be their savior. Look what Rikki Tikki Tavi did! (I just checked the dates. The story was published in 1894. Forgive my poetic license.)

   Kauai has none because the man unloading the crates was bitten by one and dumped all the remaining crates into the ocean. Done!

    Tonight, Lutz told me that one of his cats has befriended a mongoose. They play tag with each other. You gotta love cross-species friendships.  It gives us such hope.