Sunday, October 27, 2024

Sunday, October 27, 2024

 

    Mike would have turned  8 today. I woke up feeling fear about the outcome of the coming election. I'm not just scared about who's going to win. I think things will be bad regardless.  I've been speaking about the end of civilization as we know it, if not the end of the human race, as we destroy everything around us in the name of preserving ourselves. I suppose it's possible there won't be violence after the election.

   I heard what I thought was thunder as I woke up. We rarely get thunderstorms. But sure enough, that's what it was.  Around 6 am, all my appliances made a squawking noise.  I went out for my morning walk shortly before 7. When I returned, the electricity was off. This is the first time we have lost electricity since the solar system was installed.  Even now, while the electricity was off for two hours, we were without for only one. We had enough power in the battery left to cover it.  

   I saw two friends at the 9 am mass, sitting on the lanai where I always sit rather than inside the church where they usually do.  They hugged me and commented that today was Mike's birthday. The mass was said for him today. They probably attended this mass because of that. I was overcome. I started sobbing. Sadly, I don't cry easily. When it comes, I try to give in to it.  My mother couldn't tolerate us crying. It upset her, and we were encouraged to stop, sometimes kindly, sometimes not so kindly.

   I got up from my seat and stood behind a pillar to avoid disturbing everyone.  A woman who does a lot for the church saw me and came over to offer comfort.  I told her I was Mike's wife. She was great; she just stood with me. She went off to get a box of tissues for me and directed another woman who is also highly involved with the church to stand with me.  She was not as sympathetic.  She patted me in that stressed way that signals discomfort and a need for me to stop crying. She proposed telling me a funny story. At that point, I backed out of her grasp and asked her to stop. What she was doing wasn't helpful. I don't grieve easily.   I needed the opportunity to do it.  The grief builds up in me, and I deal with it by obsessing about all the things that are wrong. When Mike was alive, he was my comfort place. I felt safe with him even if he couldn't protect me from negative outside voices.  What he protected me from was my inner voice, that helpless feeling that comes when you're alone in the world. 

    All the fears I lived with as a child were overwhelming me.  When I was young, before I left my mother's home, I didn't realize how scared I was; it was part of me.  The fear was partially because of the way my mother treated me. It was also because she lived in a constant state of terror and passed that on.  If your mother is afraid of dogs, you will be too. Even if you never have a bad experience with one.  My mother was triggered by everything. I don't think she ever got to the point where she was aware she was afraid. She just thought the world was a dangerous place. She may have been better off than me with my awareness that something is amiss with me.

    I remember a dream when I realized I accepted Mike as my life partner.  I dreamt I was lying on a bed that was twenty years big.  Funny, that may have been accurate. Our marriage went through a ten-year rough spot at the twenty-year mark. I think it was because Mike lived in D.C. while he studied for his second Ph.D. at Catholic University.  I think he realized he wasn't as dependent on me as he thought.  We weren't inconsiderate of each other during that period.  We just laughed less. When it finally broke, we were better than ever.  

  If Trump wins, his first order of business will be revenge against all those who opposed him. He will punish states that didn't elect him. He will punish registered democrats.  I think this man is as close to evil as one can come. He is prepared to launch a full-throttle attack if he doesn't get what he wants. 

 My friend Melissa called; she is an OB/GYN who works as a substitute doctor in low-income hospitals.  She doesn't think she will be called to cover for vacationing doctors as much in the future. She anticipates a surplus of doctors in the hospitals she is willing to serve. While she will never perform an abortion because of her religious beliefs, she is not opposed to it for others.  She won't work in a state that prohibits it because the restrictions are draconian and put mothers at risk. Doctors are fleeing anti-abortion states. They are seeking employment in the hospitals where she has been working.

  Melissa is opposed to Trump, as I am. Our concern is beyond his politics.  We think the man is mentally unstable. He vows revenge on everyone who opposes him. He admires 'strong' leaders. He is scary. 

   I shared a theory Lutz told me. He said the super-wealthy are supporting him because they plan to have him killed once he is elected. They feel they can completely control Vance. This is what the industrialists thought when they put Hitler in power. Vance is no Hitler; Trump has that personality. Melissa, who travels abroad, said people from other countries believe that.