Tuesday, October 29, 2024

 Tuesday, October 29, 2024 

      After being up most of the night, I spent the day sleeping or listening to my book on Audible. It’s scary when that happens. 

      The story in Magic Hour was healing.  I identified with the wild child and absorbed the loving attention the therapist/ caretaker poured into her.  As the author wrote about the therapist, I also identified with her thought process.  She didn’t have a formula for dealing with the child, a list of objectives for her to conform to, or a list of strategies to achieve those objectives; she listened carefully to the child and looked for openings.  She gave her all the room she needed to feel heard and safe. It is what I try to give to my students. I try to give it to everyone I encounter.  That’s my goal.  I’m much more successful at it in the context of my students.

    In a professional role, I have more power.  They come to me with their deficiencies; I come to that relationship with my strengths.  It is an unequal relationship.  They are more dependent on me than I am on them. I don’t expect them to be as attentive to me as I am to them.  I don’t expect them to appreciate what I do for them. In my sixty years of doing this work,  fewer than a dozen children have said thank you or verbally acknowledged that I helped them. Most don’t want anything to do with me after the sessions end.  I represent their bad ole selves, the ones who couldn’t read or do math, the person they don’t want to remember.  

   While I would like to be more of that person in my peer relations, I have a more significant investment in these people. I want them to like me and care about me. They all do that in one way or another; otherwise, they wouldn’t be my friends in the first place. There has to be some joy in the relationship. It can’t all be hard work and pain. If it becomes that, the relationship has to end. 

    I’m generally willing to work things out with people.  Sometimes, that becomes impossible. Either they have cut too deep to make relationship repair possible without hard work, which they are unwilling or unable to do. I’m okay with hard work, but not from me alone. Just forgetting about a bad moment is possible if the injury isn’t too deep.

   My dad raised me to ‘work out’ each and every issue. I had to talk about everything with someone. My sister rescued me from that cul du sac. She said if there’s been a bad moment, the other person wants to forget about it as much as you do. Just go on as if it didn’t happen.  That piece of advice has saved me from a lot of social drama.  But there’s the opposite extreme with people who never want to hear what I have to say and never want to discuss situations that are not easily resolved by ignoring them.

    I agree with my critics that I have over-emphasized awareness and attention to unresolved situations. There is much to be said for compartmentalization and denial. They are not just rivers in Egypt or otherwise.  Compartmentalization and denial are valuable tools in our coping tool kit.  Ones I’ve had to deliberately incorporate.  It’s done wonders for my complexion.