Sunday, April 20, 2025

 Sunday, April 20, 2025

       Easter Sunday. I got up early, as I needed to leave earlier than usual.  Good thing I did. Ali'i Street fronts the church. It's a two-lane road with a 15 mph speed limit and stop signs.  The traffic is always heavy.  I spotted a man from the parking lot ministry as I approached the church driveway. He guided the traffic in and out of the church, stopping the road traffic when needed. Everyone was respectful of his directions. I found plenty of parking spots. 

       I finally have a satisfying name for the source of my agony: loneliness. In the past, being in the company of others helped, but it doesn't seem to do me as much good anymore.  

     A college roommate identified me as lonely in my freshman year of college. I don't know what she saw in me, but it's true.  This feeling isn't new. I remember it from when I was four.  I always felt lonely.  I have no idea where I got my expectations.  I can't be the only human who didn't get the needed 'connection' with their parents. But I have a concept of connectedness that defines my sense of well-being. I think many, if not most, mothers bond with their infant children. My mother was not one of those mothers. She focused on her responsibilities. She did that well. 

     Mike and I went through a period in our marriage when we lost that connection. We didn't fight; we weren't rude or uncaring. We didn't have that connection. We both considered leaving the marriage quietly within our minds. Then, suddenly, it broke.  We spoke about it when it happened. We both had considered leaving and concluded we had nowhere else we wanted to go, and the other person was a good person. We would make ourselves comfortable within the remaining emotional space. As I said, it broke. Our remaining years were joyful. 

      It brings us back to the question of what a loving or even satisfying connection with another human being is.  Love has different faces. Christianity and Buddhism speak of compassion. Fr. Boyle of Homeboy Industries helps LA gang members rejoin society, speaking of not offering others compassion but Kinship. Compassion's near enemy is pity, which is too often taken for compassion.

     How does Kinship differ from compassion? We feel compassion for someone who suffers in ways we don't or aren't at that moment. They are the other. Kinship acknowledges the shared suffering of all human beings. It acknowledges that we could all suffer what someone else suffers. This Kinship is attained through cognitive and emotional empathy.

But all meaningful connections have a similar feeling of bonding. What creates that feeling? It's something neurological. Our brains synchronize; we're in harmony.

The shortcut to that harmony is mob action, whether it's a military, a crazed mob, a rally, a rock concert, or a crisis. The unrestrained emotional output of those events unites us.  There are more subtle bonding experiences: classical music concerts, lectures, and unexpectedly, running into a single human being who shares our beliefs, religious, political, cultural, or philosophical.  We even know how close the person is to our point of view by how we harmonize with them.  The harmony can be blocked by caution. Sex is undoubtedly a way to harmonize.  If we're lucky, we meet one or two people with whom we harmonize enough to make us feel connected at all times. I had that with Mike. I had 45 years of it. As I said above, it wasn't perfect. When people tell their partner they don't feel loved, I suspect it's the absence of that feeling they are referring to. 

Having a common cultural practice or fixed roles can provide a sense of connection and belonging. Actors achieve commonality by fulfilling their roles in scripts. They all have a part to play. A strong family structure can ensure that. We had 'assigned seats' at the dinner table in my family home. It provided me with a strong sense of security that might be lacking through other means. That provided a type of bonding. 

     Sometimes, we bond with people by following a destructive script involving endless fights.  Relationships can't be judged from the outside so easily.  People find each other according to their needs. We look for the 'negatives' in people as well as the 'positives.' We prefer not to be consciously aware of it, but there's plenty of research backing up that theory. The question is not where the relationship starts but where it ends. Are the two people good for each other? Do they become better people through the relationship?

    I observed one couple and developed a theory of complementary neuroses.  We inevitably seek out someone who complements us. How we respond is not inevitable. I found myself attracted to the same kind of man over and over. He would be just like my mom, defensive.  I let Mike into my life because I recognized my poor choices. I set out to date any man I didn't think would do me bodily harm and do precisely what I wanted to do. I set a limit on how often we could date and how often he could call me. Mike was the third date. I still would have rejected him had he not decided he was going to marry me before our first date and remained persistent. 

In today's sermon, Fr. Lio spoke about exiting the parking lot, pleading for patience, kindness, and respect for the parking ministry's directions. I left shortly after Mass. There were no donuts and coffee today. They wanted people out as soon as possible. 

I headed to Target, only to be surprised by an empty parking lot.  Do all Target stores close on the major holidays? I have no idea. 

I did a bit of gardening, loading a bucket of garden waste to take to Darby. I planned to carry the dozen eggs Dean and Nina left with me for her in the bucket to her house. Before I could, Darby was at my door to pick them up. I walked her back to her house carrying the bucket while she carried the eggs. Darby showed me around her property. I saw all the places she stuck orchids, tied to a post or tree, or stuck between some rocks. You have to do less when planting orchids rather than more.

I had one student, fourth-grade MH. She chose to work on the dictation/spelling exercise.  It was a passage we'd started a while ago that proved confusing. We reviewed the sentences we had already covered. "Few early Americans used rugs on their floors.  Instead, they were painted colorful  designs."  I asked, if few Americans used rugs on their floors what do you think their floors looked like? She said they had rugs. 

       I drew a line: "none  a few a lot   all."  First, I just wrote 'all.' What's the opposite of all? She got none easily. Where would I place a few' on the line? First, she said closer to all than none. She corrected herself.  

If only a few early Americans had rugs, would you be more likely to find a rug in that house or not?  She said you'd be more likely to find a rug. It turned into a math lesson.  I find these kids have serious problems with pattern recognition and probability. I know that when they're methodically walked through a problem, they can learn how to do it themselves.  I have to try this passage for comprehension with Twin A.  I have to try this passage with all my students.