Wednesday, March 12, 2025

 Wednesday, March 12, 2025

    Wow! Another good night's sleep. It must have been lights out around 10, and I was up around six.  Joseph had left already. I didn't do my complete set of exercises, just a minute and a half plank and my ankle exercises.  

    I'm getting better at doing the plank without increasing my strength.  I'm figuring out which muscles to use.  I learned to use my abdominal muscles, starting from the solar plexus.  Today, I did more with my thigh muscles. I arrived at that when I realized the plank is a horizontal version of the mountain pose. I strain my abdominals and back muscles if I don't engage those fully. 

   The ankle exercises protect me from falling. Flexible ankle, knee, and hip joints are important for balance. If I step on something that throws me off balance, the range of motion in those joints gives me the space and time to right myself. 

  I tried to reach my Hanai sister, Jean while walking. The phone rang. Someone picked it up and hung up immediately. Jean was taking a nap.  I wanted to tell her I won't be watching The Resident anymore. The show's depiction of the corruption in the medical field is so frightening. A device company that was scamming people, claiming their products were made in the USA rather than China, had Someone killed.  The whistle-blower was exposed because Someone at the FDA was on the device distributor's payroll.  Very, very scary.

   When I got home from my walk, I was exhausted. That hasn't been the case recently. I went down for a nap and slept for close to two hours. When I woke up, I felt I could sleep for several more.

   The need for sleep like that usually signals some physical or psychological change.  I suspect it is due to something that happened in my session with Rob yesterday.  I mentioned Mike. Rob said there was a radical change in the energy when I spoke about him.  I become more relaxed and open. Mike was my safe place. I could come home to him and recover from a bad experience, which allowed me to shake it off.  He was also my protector. 

   Sadly, I had a 'friend' bring it home to me that I had lost Mike's protection, and he could put me down without fear. He was always Someone who lectured everyone on how to do something better, but he had never been critical of me. That changed after Mike's funeral. I didn't put it together until a few years later. It was a devastating realization.  Mike would have said something to him if he'd spoken to me as he does now.  Mike wasn't a 'stud.' No, his method was more powerful and would have been more devastating. He would have taken him aside and quietly said," Don't talk to betty that way. It hurts her."  

    We all do things to hurt others out of weakness. Without Mike's support and protection, I'm not as loving and forgiving as I had been. I can't afford it.  That's one of the biggest losses with Mike's death. The joy of loving him and finding his foibles amusing and the joy of loving others—what a luxury!  

    I thought if I could only think of Mike being with me.  The injuries I suffer won't be different than the ones I suffered when he was alive. The difference will be in the healing. I won't have the support I need to heal properly. The reason I remain in therapy is always to free myself from the wounds inflicted upon me when I was a child by my well-meaning (within the limits of their capacity) but misguided parents so I can be the loving person I so long to be.

    No set of parents can do a perfect job, no less a single parent.  I don't think perfect is accessible to anyone.  But I do believe the harm we do each other can be diffused. It can be diffused with the support of others. Not telling us that we were right and that the one who hurt us was wrong. No, being judgmental provides fleeting relief. In the tribal setting, if the offense was considered trivial and the attacker was acting out, just being greeted warmly and friendly would affirm our value.  We're not designed to live in small groups of two. 

  I'm so excited. Luc is coming to take the thirteen remaining solar panels for $10 a piece. If I hadn't gotten Someone to take them off my hands, it would have cost me $30 per panel to recycle them. Now, I'll be rid of all of them and make some money.  I sold the 19 replacement panels for $75-$100. The remaining ones are the originals. Their performance is questionable. I made that clear to Luc. I had Someone check the remaining voltage on those thirteen. They're still in pretty good shape.