Tuesday, July 30, 2019

            I felt choked up this morning. My throat is getting tighter. It's getting a little more difficult.  

            When I got on the scale this morning, my weight, which has been stable as the rock of Gibraltar, dropped to a lower number than ever. Huh?  I haven't been eating that much, and I haven't been losing weight.  I ate one good-sized meal, and the weight dropped like a broken elevator.  When I told Paulette about it, she knew what had happened.

            She did Weight Watchers.  Clients are allowed so many points a day.  When her weight stayed the same over a long time despite following the diet, the counselor told her to eat the maximum number of points possible for a single day. Then her body responded by dropping the weight.  Neat trick. 

            During Bikram, Heather stood over me and examined the straightness of my spine.  She indicated that I had to shift my head, so my chin moved over to the left.  I had a hairdresser pointed this out to me once. She was having trouble sizing up my hair because my head was on tilt. I have paid attention to it periodically, but now I'm ready to pay attention to it 24/7 since I've felt the shift's impact on my neck and back.

            I stopped off at the UPS store to drop off the return package to Amazon, that book by Brooks, that I got two copies of by accident.

            I had an appointment to speak to an old friend this morning. It's easier to make actual appointments with folks living in the Eastern Standard Time Zone. We talked for about an hour, updating each other on our lives and the lives of the people in our families.  Her husband was Mike's best friend through elementary school through high school.  They kept in touch for a while, lost touch, and renewed their relationship when they were in their forties.  

            I trimmed Elsa's face. I hate the way the Petco groomer does it.  The hair is too long the day it's cut. I trim it and then forget to tell them to make her hair shorter when I have the next appointment.  It started raining while I was cutting her hair. It was a little rainfall and Irish shower.  When I was finished, I finally went out to trim my hibiscus shrubs.

            I noticed that my plants had pimples the other day.  I took a sample to church to show Margo, who runs Sunrise nursery. She said, "Blister mites. Get Avid. It's costly but solves the problem. Get it from Farm and Garden." I stopped off there on Monday on my way home from yoga.  The Avid isn't just expensive, it's outrageously expensive. $110 for a small container.  Bill asked me how many plants I had to treat. I said, "2." He said no. Avid doesn't make sense. Use Sulfur Dust.  You will have to apply it more than once after trimming off all the affected leaves. Sulfur dust only costs $10.47 and isn't as bad for the ground. 

            I suspect our gardeners realized that the plant had this blight before.  They dealt with it by trimming it back sharply.  I can tell because I can see how one of the plants grew back, a lot of sprouting branches. It's not the best look for a hibiscus, but it's good enough.  The oldest plant is thoroughly infected. The second one less so. The third one has a small plant and has only a few affected leaves.  I went at the two plants and trimmed them back, throwing the cut branches on the driveway.  I found this great tool at Ace Hardware the other day.  I think it is called a Ratchet. It's a little hand tool, and it is incredible. It makes cutting branches of all sizes easy.  I cut back one of the shrubs completely, ridding it of every infected leaf. I was working on the second one when the rain came pouring down instead of the steady drizzle I had been working in.  It was time for me to go inside and take a shower. 

            Scott stopped by and talked about a design for the bathroom I want to install in Mike's library area.  There is an alcove off the library area where Mike had four four-drawer filing cabinets. They fit perfectly.  The area was originally a closet off a two-car garage.  The two-car garage became Mike's library.  Yes, it's that large. Remember, it contains over 3700 books, a desk,  a large two-seater reclining chair set,  a large stuffed chair, a large cassock which can be used for storage, a stationary bike, and a Pilates machine.  It all has to go if I am to make that room into another bedroom I can rent. 

            The nook isn't very large. A sink and a toilet can be fit into it easily.  I want to place the shower outside the house with access from the inside and the outside.  We have four-foot overhangs on our homes here. They protect us both from the sun and torrential downpours.  I plan to fit the shower under that overhang. I want to put in a skylight.  These changes will make the shower as close to an outdoor shower as an enclosed shower can be.

            Not knowing much about construction, I thought I could put drywall right over the bookcases.  Scott tells me that they're easy to remove.  Now I am looking at a whole different set of possibilities.  Scott wants to use some of the wood from the bookcases to make a Murphy bed for Yvette in her yoga room. That way, she can put up guests comfortably downstairs. Up to now, if comfort was a requirement, her guests have stayed up here with Mike and me. 

            Today the emails from John Coughlin came pouring in, which he forwarded from the librarian from Notre Dame Seminary in New Orleans.  The librarian didn't sound like he would be interested in many of Mike's books, assuming he already had everything that could be n Mike's library. The order list includes something like 150 of them.   

            I'm not quite ready to start filling his request list. I want to get the library in order and take pictures of it in its original form so we can all remember Mike's dream and how it became a reality.  I am so glad he got what he wanted.  It made him so happy.  I loved making him happy. 

 

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Musings: I'm putting this separately so those who are not interested can choose not to read it.

 

            One of the great things about retirement is that there are no deadlines; one of the bad things about retirement is that there are no deadlines.

Monday, July 29,2019

 

            When I got up this morning, something else was out of place. Mike's towel rack with his used towel on it was shifted in an odd position. Nothing subtle.  Anyone who thinks it was Elsa, no way.  A) I throw balls for her while I'm in the bathroom, bouncing them off the walls. They often wind up between the wall and the base of the towel rack. She steps over it carefully. B) she weighs 14 lbs.  She doesn't have the strength or the heft to move that towel rack.  For some reason, Mike is upset. 

            The poltergeist incidents started after I had that dream that he told me he left me for another woman.  God, I wish he'd stop worrying about me.  That makes me worry about him. I want him to be at peace. I want him to be happy. 

            I had plenty of time to make an east coast call this morning before I left for Bikram.  Kathrin had done the dishes last night, and I had my breakfast smoothie made already.  I called Workmen's Circle to determine if a Life Insurance Policy I found among his paperwork was valid. Surprise! Of course, not.  I didn't think so but thought I'd better check before throwing the paper work out. 

            After Bikram, I went to the transfer station to drop off another large bag of paper from Mike's collection of paper and some cardboard.  I loaded the car with the wicker basket Mike used to carry his books to Bible study with things I had to mail or drop off as donations.  

            I saw a young couple gently touching each other in obvious affection. It's a little hard watching the two be loving with each other when I lost my loving partner. Anyone remember the King and I's song, "Hello, young lovers, where ever you are. I hope your troubles are few. All my good wishes go with you tonight. I've been in love like you?" I take pleasure watching them, but there is also some sadness mixed in for me.

            When I got home, I did some work on the blog as I drank my morning Juice Plus smoothie.  Dorothy and Karin called on FaceTime, and Jean called while I was on the phone with them. I sent her to voice mail.  When I got off the phone, I saw it was already after 11 am.  I had a noon appointment with the grief counselor from the Hospice Center.  I didn't even have time to shower — that good rinse off I took after Bikram was going to have to do.

            The woman I was meeting with had given me the address, but I got somewhat tangled in my mind.  Unfortunately, I had several maps in my head. Many of them were incorrect. The office is on Mamaloha Highway. The address prefix was 76 as my address prefix is 73.  (Explaining the address system here is a whole other blog entry.)  That prefix told me that the location was south of me. 

            Mamalahoa Highway is the upper highway as Queen K is the lower highway.  I used to think that Mamalahoa continued down into Kailua Kona.  I recently found out that is not the case; it veers off in the middle of the road down the mountain. The roadway becomes Palani Street, which continues down into town.  So I wound up thinking that I could get to Mamalahoa Highway by going down Queen K.  

            I couldn't get my GPS to work.  I finally pulled over to call the counselor. She said, "Oh, dear." She gave me directions. Continue south on Queen K, and make a left on Lako. When you hit a dead-end, make a right. When you hit the second dead end, make a left. We're about half a mile down the road on the left."  

            I made my turn onto Lako correctly. Yeah. When I got to the dead end, I made a left. Oh, well.  It was a lovely drive. We're in the rainy season, and it rains more the higher you go.  It was a dense jungle with great ocean views as I went down this precariously curvy road.  I finally realized something was wrong and pulled over.

            I pulled over into the edge of a driveway. I had to get out of the road to make that call.  No way anyone in their right mind would sit on that curvy, narrow road to make a call.  It said, "Private Property, No Trespassing." Yeah, I wasn't going to go on their property, just to the edge of their driveway.  The house was a good tenth of a mile away down a road running parallel to the main road.  I made the call, pulled out, and saw a man come running from the house toward me. I waited.  His voice was controlled, but he was shaking with rage. Did I see the sign saying no Trespassing? Yes.  Did I realize I had run over one of his signs?  No, I'm so sorry. He had the signs up because he has a dangerous dog, and it was for my protection. Did he see I didn't get out of my car and was driving away? No danger from the dog I could see.  I was genuinely sorry I ran over his sign, Did I really?  (One of my under five mph accidents.)  I was prepared to pay for the sign. I was afraid he was going to call the cops. Another adventure.  He let me go without charging me for the sign or calling the cops.  I had made a left at the dead-end at the top of Lako instead of a right. Back up the lovely road. No loss there. I finally arrived at the Hospice center.

            Susan, the counselor, interviewed me.  I talked for a least an hour telling her some of the stories from our 5 weeks in the hospital at Oahu.  It has been getting a little harder.  My throat is often tight.  She gave me a list of symptoms to expect as I go through the process. 

            At one point, I made some comment about not worrying about my survival.  I could feel the impact on me as I made that statement. Well, let's put it this way. I'm not worried about my survival because of Mike's death. I'm not so sure if any of us will survive what I fear is coming.  But that, again, has nothing to do with Mike's death. 

If what I think is coming comes, I'm glad he's gone. I always anticipate the worst-case scenario ahead of time and did well when a crisis arrived. He maintained the most hopeful viewpoint and then had trouble adjusting when the shit hit the fan.  His optimism resulted in some good decisions for all the times he was right.  My preparedness served us well when the shit hit the fam. We balanced each other. 

Sunday, July 28, 2019

            Adam told me that Uber informed him that our car insurance had expired.  At first, I thought, it's just that we haven't received our new cards.  Then while I was walking Elsa, I thought, "Yikes! Maybe there is a problem with the automatic payment due to all the changes in the accounts".  I called this morning.  The bill was paid on the date due.  I don't know what the problem was.  I sighed in relief, particularly since Kathrin had taken the car to go to Bikram this morning while I stayed home. 

            While I walked Elsa, I applied a movement modification I had used before.  I placed my heel firmly on the ground. Then gluing the heel down, I pull the heel back. Since the heel couldn't move, my hips moved forward.  I have 'discovered' this trick before, but then I forgot it and rediscovered it. This is a movement trick that others can use because it is symmetrical to start with.  Some of the things I do are designed to straighten out my crooked body. However, if someone is flatfooted, it is possible that pulling the heel back, as I described, may hyperextend the knee, which can lead to damage.

            My hope in including this material about movement sequencing and small moves is to encourage others to recognize that they are not stuck with permanent pain. They don't have to rely on strong medication or surgery; there is another option.  Yes, it requires time and attention, but it can be lots of fun for those who are open to it.  Sadly, physical therapists are not trained or were not trained when I saw them in modifying daily movement patterns and changing body mechanics.  Even my chiropractor believes that her repeated adjustments should solve all body problems.  She thinks she makes an adjustment,  and the patient automatically changes the way they move. Good luck!  An adjustment versus the memory of the nervous system built up over years and years and years. Habit is always the winner.  We have to think of making small changes in the way we do things if we are going to overcome the problems our bodies present to us successfully.  It isn't just age.  Age is important because it means we have been doing it wrong longer.  Each time we make a movement, right or wrong, we strengthen the neurological connection.  Each time we make a movement, right or wrong,  we use our bodies correctly or incorrectly.  I figured the body is a fantastic design. If you were born with a healthy body and are having problems now, you've been doing something wrong. Correct it!

            On the other hand, be careful.  Do not follow anyone's instructions without watching what happens in your body.  Discomfort is okay; sharp pain is not.

            I slept most of the day.  Church exhausts me.  I’m not sure if it’s because I don’t connect to the service, I am more aware of Mike’s absence since he would normally be on the altar, or if, as I experienced today, there is energy bearing down on me, more than I can cope with. Or, as I suspect as I’m writing this, I had an upset stomach and needed the rest. We’ll see what it’s like next week. 

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Musings: I'm putting this separately so those who are not interested can choose not to read it.

Brooks's idea of good character. Eisenhower and Day.

            I'm reading Brooks's book The Road to Character. He describes the life stories of heroic people who were committed to leading moral lives making significant contributions.   So far, I have read the first two stories about Eisenhower and Dorothy Day.  Unfortunately, the examples he uses are all extreme.  They are extreme because the people he selected rose to great prominence and extreme because at least Eisenhower and Day are people who dealt with intense emotional issues.  What about the rest of us who want to live ordinary lives with peace and commitment? After reading his stories, I am ready to throw in the towel.  If I have to make the extreme choices Eisenhower and Day made, I'll pass. There must be a way to be a small person with an ordinary life and have a profound commitment to live a moral life doing the best for those who we touch as we pass this way.  

 

Saturday, July 27,2019

            Back on the wagon: made it to Bikram today.  During my Elsa walk this morning, I pressed my big toe into the ground as I finished the step. This engaged my inner thigh muscles.  Hey.  For anyone who tries to duplicate what I do, no one change is recommended.  I am following the sequence which is right for my body. First, I got the outer edge of my left foot to the ground as I walked, next came the little toe of the left foot, and now, while holding the other two in place, making a point of finishing my step by pushing off on the big toe. I've been at the big toe before, but then I had to switch to the foot's outer edge. This is my sequencing. My guess is I will revisit emphasizing the outer edge of my left foot again sometime in the future.  

            My heart feels heavy most of the time now. It's getting harder. I am struck that I can get in touch with my missing my dog Peaches more easily than I can feel missing Mike.   Peaches was an amazing dog.  The breeder named her when she was born, a little black Portuguese Water Dog with the name Peaches.  She had the most beautiful face -  and her energy. . .  She is the only dog who I felt was interested in sharing energy.  I love little Elsa, but she almost never gives affection without an agenda: throw the balls, scratch my belly  or give me a treat.  She will cease and desist if I say no firmly.  She isn't endlessly demanding. Peaches' energy was so amazing, that all the children would run out to greet her when I was walking her.  When Horatio, a male PWD from the same breeder a few years younger, joined us, they no longer came out.  

            At some point, I repeated my question to Kathrin if she is interested in reading my blog. She said yes.  I warned her that there were comments about her, how sometimes I resented her presence.  I assured her that it wasn't a huge problem, but it did come up.  I told her it was just normal between all people to resent each other's presence periodically.  She said she was so glad I had brought it up because she felt that way and wondered what was wrong with her.  I assured her it was normal. It's not a comfortable feeling, but it is essential not to take it literally.  What is important is to evaluate the number of positive interactions versus the negative.  I said I thought we were doing amazingly well for two people who didn't know each other with a 48-year age difference.  She said she thought so too. But if you live with someone, it comes up.  I compared it to that occasional sexual feeling you have for someone miscellaneous person other than your mate.  You note it, but you shouldn't feel compelled to follow through because you had that feeling.

            The Glicksteins  came over around 6 pm for Jazzy’s  birthday dinner.  Salmon, asparagus, roasted potatoes and for dessert, homemade lava cake with vanilla ice cream and mixed berries.  The food was fantastic.  My guess is my palate is more responsive because I rarely eat a meal like that these days. When Mike was alive, a full meal was a regular thing.  Mike was present for the dinner and pleased .  Kathrin blended in perfectly.

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Musings: I'm putting this separately so those who are not interested can choose not to read it.

            I have been wondering how to speak about what made my marriage a good one.  There is nothing I can point to.  There is no activity we shared, no project we worked on together.  It was as subtle and simple as two animals being comfortable in each other's company.  We were glad to be together. We created a safe haven for each other.  We knew we were welcome home and that we welcomed each other home.  So simple.  So ordinary. So stunningly spectacular. 

Friday, July 26, 2019

            I slept in instead of going to Bikram.  I lay in bed in Savasana and just floated.  I wasn't sure I had done the right thing. I got up and managed to do something before I went down for a long, long nap. In other words, I slept most of the day.
            I was expecting Sandor to come and pick up Mike's file cabinets full of his notes and articles he had Xeroxed. I am so grateful that his papers have found a good home, and I don't have to trash it all. Boy, that would have hurt.
            As it was, this hurt. As I watched Sandor remove the file cabinets, it was clear why I had to sleep all day.  This was hard. Elsa jumped up on my lap. She was halfway over my shoulder and just sitting on my heart.  She didn't ask to be pet; she just sat there.  I thought we were some weird version of a Pieta.
            I called the Kona Hospice Grief  counsellor today as Susan from the church office recommended. I thought, maybe it will help. Who knows?   I have to be interviewed before I can participate in the group session which is on the last Tuesday of the month.  The first question she asked me was how long ago did Mike die.  My answer was good enough to qualify me for the interview. I think they don’t take people fresh off the lost.
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Musings: I'm putting this separately so those who are not interested can choose not to read it.

Here's a pet peeve of mine. I hate it when people say just be a human being and not a human doing.  What the hell does that mean?  If it means just breathe. Breathing is doing something, particularly if you're keeping your focus on it.  I have participated in something like 20 ten-day meditation retreats.   Let me tell you, just watching your breath going in and out, and nothing else is hard work.  It is doing something.
            Just hate it when people throw out catchphrases that accuse you of doing something wrong without giving you a clue what they mean. All you know, since you don't know what they're talking about, you must be doing it wrong.
            It's up there with a few of my other favorite phrases: "Just relax!" "Stop thinking so much." Totally unhelpful.  I can do both now pretty much on command.  I can relax, and I can pretty well silence my mind for up to 2 minutes. I still hate these phrases. I know they're unhelpful and total nonsense to anyone who hasn't had the training, rigorous training.  Anytime you need training to DO something, you are doing something.  If you're doing something, you're a human doing and not a human being, whatever that means.

Thursday, July 25, 2019

            After Bikram, Kathrin and I had some stops to make. Our first stop was Island Naturals. She had bought some tampons there, and they were the wrong kind. She finally decided that their brands were too expensive, and she would get a large box at Costco.        
            Our next stop was the transfer station.  I dumped my third sizeable plastic bag of paper from Mike. I found a blue book from his foreign language reading test in Greek test he took in 1995 to fulfill a Ph.D. requirement, a 1985 will from Jean, and study notes for another language test.  Really?
            Then off to Costco where I got gas, and then Kathrin and I did some shopping.  My main target was as many boxes of vinegar as I could fit in my cart.  The number is 6.  I don’t know if I mentioned it already, but I have discovered that I can pour a gallon of vinegar into a garden spray container and get a large area weeded likitty split.  Love it! Can’t wait to take on the whole property.  So far, I’ve been weeding with kettles of boiled water.  It works, but it’s too labor-intensive.   Now that it’s summer, I can’t keep ahead of the growth.  I would have to boil something like 20 pots a day.  I love this new method; it works, it’s cheap, and it’s nontoxic.  

Wednesday, July 24, 2019

            I woke up around 3 am and slept restlessly for the rest of the night.  I had two disturbing dreams.  In the first, I was tutoring a fourth-grade class.  The teacher was distressed by my methods and wanted me to use hers. She felt that using my methods instead of the ones approved by the school was rude. I was volunteering to boot.  When I go into a classroom these days, I make it clear to the teachers ahead of time that while I will work on the skills they want me to work on, I will work on them my way; I will not just help students complete assignments just so the teacher can have a grade for their records. While I have mastered the skill of getting myself out of a situation like that in real life, I have yet to figure out how to do it in my dreams.

            The second dream was a familiar one.  I dreamt that Mike came to me and told me he was leaving me for another woman. For starters, Mike would never do something like that even if he had been very unhappy in the marriage.  He would have left first and then found another woman, which he did in his first marriage.  

            When I got up, there was Mike's towel lying on the floor. I haven't moved his towel since I came home from Oahu.  Okay, A little later in the day, I was sitting in the front living room while Kathrin was in the bathroom taking a shower. Suddenly, her bathroom door flew open violently as if a strong wind had come through the house.  One problem, there wasn't even a subtle breeze.  As Damon said, "It looks like Dad's moved back into the house." When he was alive, I would tell him I had that dream, and he would hug me.  Guess hugs are out and dropped towels and slammed doors are in. 

            I mentioned this dream about Mike leaving me to several women who said they have had it too.   I wonder if it is common even in the best of marriages.  I doubt that many women had the dream in previous centuries because it was stay in the marriage or be shunned by the community.  There were impressive reinforcements for marriage.  These didn't guarantee that the marriage was good, only that is was, is, and would ever be. 

            Despite knowing full well that Mike would never have just come to me and announce he was leaving, the dream still hurts. It did while he was alive, and it does now.   While I'm doing well, writing the blog helps a lot, there are painful moments. I find I envy elderly couples when they demonstrate affection or connection.  In the past, I viewed envy as a signal that it was something I wanted. I knew the solution was to go after it. But now what I want is the relationship I had with Mike, which was carefully built over 45 years. How can I ever replace that?   I do talk to him, but it is not quite the same.

            For the most part, Kathrin is a delight to live with. We converse well, and we share silence well. She tells me what she is thinking, and we can engage in lengthy discussions.  Mike was mostly silent. I miss his quiet presence. He'd accuse me of bibble babble. If it came into my mind, it came out of my mouth.  I always wanted him to converse more, to tell me what was on his mind, to discuss his ideas with me, but no. As much as I enjoy Kathrin's sharing,  I now understand what he was complaining about. 'Be careful what you wish for.' I shared this story with Yvette. She got a good laugh. She understands completely.

            Note: as my relationship with Kathrin develops, I can say I’m not up for conversation now. This is turning out to be the best of both worlds. 

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Musings: I'm putting this separately so those who are not interested can choose not to read it.

            I would modify Jung's image of the dot in the circle to represent the small ego in relation to the much larger total self. The ego is a  growing, changing thing, not static. It's not buried in the center of the self.  It has contact with the outside world.  I suppose you can use Jung's image and picture the ego having contact with the world in front of it.   But it's hard to illustrate the ego engaged with the external physical and social world from that vantage point in a 2-dimensional illustration.  Also, my image of the ego is more ameba shaped instead of a neat little circle.  The ego has to be at the edge of the large self so it can move beyond the boundaries of the self to reach out to the external world. Its shape is determined by what we include in and exclude from our egos.

            Our first job as children is to define our egos in terms of the external world, with a slight nod to the inner world.  Being overly focused on the inner self too early in life can create disturbances, especially when that focus is on disturbing impulses.

            Children are forced to experience these negative or inappropriate impulses prematurely by external circumstances.  A child who has been molested winds up inappropriately aware of their sexuality; a child who is verbally or physically abused by a parent becomes inappropriate aware of the capacity for anger and hatred; a child who suffers from a lack of basic material comforts, food, shelter, clothing, becomes inappropriately aware and preoccupied with their need to have things; a child who loses parents when they are young becomes inappropriately aware of the unreliability of the people who supposed to take care of them and assure their survival. I'm sure there are more possibilities. A child should hopefully be appropriately aware of their capacity to love and be loved. It is also normal for the negatives to raise their head during childhood, but hopefully, these are comparable to the seasoning on a meal instead of the main course.

            However, praise for the people whose childhoods were difficult and overcame their past.  They were forced to acquire wisdom and have much to contribute to society.  From a societal perspective, there is no lousy childhood, only those who were not blessed with finding a secure pathway to healing and survival.  Life does not guarantee a lovely experience. 

            By the time we are adults, even someone who had the best of all possible childhoods has seen enough of others and themselves to know that not everything is love and light, not only in others but in themselves. Several psychologists talk about adults turning to learn more about their spiritual selves,  maybe we can say the internal selves.  They have to learn that there is no escape from the human condition.  We are born with a capacity for negative emotions. Deal with it.  Some can't or won't.  They are the world's blamers.  Their lives get smaller and smaller, narrow and narrow more and more uncomfortable. Life discomforts are never, never their fault.  Oh, dear. 

Tuesday, July 23, 2019

            It looks like I forgot to write anything for yesterday. Good.  It was uneventful until the end of the evening.  Kathrin called and said that she and her friend were locked into the parking lot at the beach.  They had spent time sitting on the beach, watching the sunset and the rising moon. They had to get someone to unlock the gate. She asked if her friend could sleepover. Of course. I know the person.  Yogis and vegetarians surround me. Must mean something.  I feel somewhat invaded. Well, it’s someone new in my territory.  I accept that it is a natural reaction and don’t invest in it.

            Then I felt Mike’s presence.  He was thrilled that there was another person in the house ‘to keep me safe.’ Okay, there is some vestigial male protectiveness.  I don’t think two other people could do much to protect me if they were unfortunate enough to have an opportunity to do so.  But, I love that my Mike is still invested in my wellbeing.  He could do that without limiting me, turning me into ‘the little woman.”  No, he never did that. He did sometimes turn me into ‘ the incompetent woman,’ mostly on the subject of car keys.  I always handed them over to him.  It made him feel better. What the heck!

            Kathrin went with me to Bikram today.  It was her first class.  Again it was a small class, only eight total.

            Elsa  had a three pm appointment with the vet or her annual physical.  I nearly slept through it.  I thought I had set my alarm, but it reverted to the wrong time.  We made it just in the nick of time.

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Musings:  I’m putting this separately so those who are not interested can choose not to read it.

Corrections on the Jungian theory of personality ego.

            I based my thoughts on Jung’s theory of ego from the diagram.  I thought about that image of a circle with a dot in the middle, the circle representing the self and the dot representing the ego, and revised some of my thinking. 

            Manuel’s interpretation at the Krishna service of Jung’s theory of the ego was also wrong.  He said Jung supported the theory that there was a true ego and a false ego. The self isn’t the true ego.  At least not as I understand from what I have now read.  I wouldn’t take on  Jung’s original writings; he’s too convoluted in his thinking and verbal expression. Here’s to clarity.  

            As I interpret Jung now, the self is everything we are; the ego is all we acknowledge.  The ego is a small dot compared to the self.   The ego represents the parts of ourselves that we believe we are.  The self represents too much information, both positive and negative, for us to deal with easily. The ego is a bearable summary of what we can tolerate to know.

            The ego can be a healthy, balanced, and in touch with reality, both in terms of our relationship to the physical and social world around us and our inner drives, or unhealthy. The unhealthy ego is usually some exaggerated sense of ourselves: we can see ourselves as all-powerful or helpless. We can see ourselves as pure of heart and never hurting anyone, or we can see ourselves as worthless and destructive. There are adults, and sadly children, who see themselves as worthless even evil, which is usually a disturbed sense of self, taken to some extreme.  Someone who is ego-centered does not always have a glowing image of themselves.  An unbalanced, unhealthy ego can go either way. Developing an ego that is genuinely in touch with reality is tricky. 

            The ego has to deal with external circumstances realistically, but it often has to take on the challenge of external circumstances and try to change it.  There are biases in society that prohibit groups of people from entitlement to succeed, like women and minority groups.  Is someone who challenges this bias out of touch with reality? They can be entirely in touch with what society is about but feel it is their calling to challenge these concepts and push society to change.  It’s a dirty job, and someone has to do it. That’s how societies change and grow. There has to be someone out there prepared to take that risk.  Do those who are firmly anchored in reality have a better chance of taking on this challenge? Or do we need people who have an exaggerated sense of themselves to blind them to the dangers they face so they can get the job done?  Is it possible to stay balanced and challenge the powers that be?          

Sunday, July 21, 2019

            Judy went to church with us again.  Yeah.  I love talking to her.  Came home and had a 2-hour power nap.  I do love napping.  I would sleep on that sofa all the time except that it doesn't allow me to shift my position.  Eight-hours in one position doesn't work for me.

            I finished Mike's book on the diaconate today. Another piece of him finished. The book is the one Mike Berstene has submitted to Paulist Press for publication. No word yet, but Cylin said the publishing business shuts down during the summer; I guess everyone goes on vacation. We'll see what the Fall brings. 

            Some of the book was more than tedious for me, very old style academic.  But some of the chapters flowed more easily.  I remember one of the deacons saying he hadn’t read the draft Mike had sent him because it was too dense.  I have to tell him which chapters to read. The ones that flow easily are the ones that represent Mike’s passion for his point of view.  He talked about the deacon as an icon of Christ.  He said to achieve it, the deacon must be self-aware of his own failings and be self-compassionate.  If that is not achieved, he cannot be compassionate with the people he serves.

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Musings: I'm putting this separately so those who are not interested can choose not to read it.

            The readings in church were on hospitality today. Most of the examples were hospitality involving serving food and drink, addressing the guests' physical needs. The story of Martha and Mary deviates from this theme. Martha was rushing around, putting food together to serve Jesus.  Mary was sitting at his feet, drinking him in.  When Martha criticizes Jesus for allowing her sister just to sit there and not help her, Jesus responds, "Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." The interpretation of this has been hotly debated according to my brief internet search.  

            It is confusing. Has Mary chosen the better part for herself or him?  If this is about hospitality, then it is for his sake, not for hers.  In my brief Internet search, it said that Mary had chosen the better part because she is attending to Christ's words,  which were beneficial for her. The message of the reading is that we all should do that. 

            I got a slightly different slant on that. I thought hospitality is what we all offer each other. My mother, my poor maligned mother, came to mind.  She was a devoted parent. She attended diligently to all our physical needs to perfection. But she couldn't listen to us.  She made no effort to sit and hear what we had to say. That would have been too frightening for her. We might have thought something different from what she did, and that would have been devastating.  

            Martha attended to the body; Mary attended to the soul.  Perhaps the theory is that when we attend to our souls, we are always attending to the soul of Christ. How's that for a solution which includes both Christ and Mary. Of course,  sitting around contemplating our navels, or the navels of others, and expecting someone else to attend to the bodily needs doesn't sound like a winning solution either. 

            A parent's job is a hard one. They are responsible for forming the child. They have to hold an image of what they want their child to be like when they grow up. That's their job.  On the other hand, they have to be open to what the child is about that conflicts with their point of view, at least in the modern world.  The primary job of a parent is providing for a child's physical needs and forming them to help them find their place is the social world. While it is painful for the child to have their essence ignored, life is long. Let them search out that satisfaction elsewhere. That's what growing up is about. 

Saturday, July 20, 2019

    Bikram is going well.  I am getting more stretch on my left side, from my foot to the top of my head.  I may be able to straighten out my spinal curvature. 

    After Bikram, I went off the Safeway. Yesterday, they didn't have the multi-grain baguette that I love, so I bought a white bread one. Yuck!  Today they had my multi-grain one.  Also, for dessert, I started eating Tapioca with sliced dried apricots in it. This is ideal. It's satisfying to think about, and I don't need more than one.  Well, for now. We'll see how it goes. For the time being, no more chocolate.  I also bought some vegetarian soup. I'm good.

    At home, I had my morning soup, played FreeCell, and contemplated how I would deal with Kathrin.  I hoped she wouldn't trigger me, and I'd find myself yelling again.  I hoped I'd stay calm but clear about what I want and what I plan to do.  Yvette has stopped in several times to tell me that she is 120% behind me and will do whatever necessary to support me.  I wish she could help referee the conversation, but she is too biased on my behalf. Useless woman!  I both love that she is a momma lion and wish she could be here to help me stay calm. 

    Kathrin stopped by at 6 pm as planned. We sat in the front living room, she on the sofa and me on my typing chair across from her.  I started by asking her about her scratches on her legs. "How are they doing?" then I asked her to tell me what her thoughts had been.  She had texted me that she had some time to calm down and think about our disagreement.

    She started by telling me that she would respect my request to text her when she was out in my car.  Before this, she had texted me when she was out longer than expected, even when she didn't have my car.  I thanked her profusely for that consideration.  Yvette also told her how much that meant to me.   Then I told her that there was a more significant issue.

    I told her that after my bad experiences with some commune members, I developed a saying, "I vastly prefer that we do things our way.  However, if that is not possible, it will have to be my way, which comes in as a sorry second." I needed to discuss some general rules of interaction, not just some isolated incident. 

    By way of example, I cited the time we had a conflict of interest the previous Sunday when we prepared to leave from the Sunday feast at Manuel and Bernice's house.  I said I wanted to go.  It was late already, and I wanted to get up a 6 am to go to yoga.  She turned her back on me and said, "I have to say good-bye." I watched her as she talked to Ilke. I couldn't hear what they were saying, but I could see from the body language that she didn't signal that she was in a hurry because I wanted to go.  I came up with the best solution so we could both get what we wanted. I said, "It looks like you want to have conversations with everyone. Please, find someone else to take you home." She did. I left. I asked her if the situation reminded her of experiences with her parents, where her need to be friendly conflicted with their need to end the social interaction. While she didn't answer, I saw that she gave the matter some thought. That's enough for me. She could have dismissed my answer in any number of ways.

    I told her if this was an isolated problem, I could live with it as long as she was open to change.  If she was a millennial, we're done!  She didn't even know what a millennial was.  I wouldn't have known if I hadn't heard Damon and Shivani's stories who had to deal with them at work. They're infants who need to get what they want, or they're either devasted or furious.  From what Shivani has said, they don't respond to criticism of any kind.  They ignore it as a delusion on the part of their supervisor.  These poor kids.  How are they going to survive?

    I told her that I wouldn't have my needs judged.  I don't care if my need to be texted periodically is a neurotic, even psychotic, problem.  She has to decide whether and how to accommodate it or if she can't.  I proposed that I text her when I start feeling concerned, and she responds. She gave a big sigh of relief. The real problem is that she forgets to text because she is distracted by what she is doing.  Great! This is a perfectly good solution for me. 

    She had been living in a spirit of cooperation with me all along except for a few incidents. If she hadn't and ignoring my needs had been a pattern, she would have been gone a long time ago.  But I'm pretty easy to get along with, but I'm not a self-sacrificing people pleaser;  I find it interesting to experience something new and learn about myself and others.  

    Some like to travel to see the world. I have zero interest in seeing the world. Exploring myself and others is what interests me.  In negotiating with someone else when there is a  conflict of interest is a fantastic experience, both for learning more about myself and others. Is it frightening or exhausting? Yes. Sometimes. But think what people subject themselves to when they travel. Those endless hours in the air for starters, and then the adjustments they have to make to different times changes, different languages, different foods, etc.  They think nothing of it. They find it exciting.  I find this fascinating. When I have managed to reconcile with someone, really reconcile, not the grit teeth variety, it is wonderful.

    During the confrontation between Kathrin and me, we were each an adult in our way.  She could hold her own against a raging version of me.  She told me when I was interrupting her.  I do that. I loved that she could stop me. When I wind up with a conflict with someone and self-control becomes an issue,  I haul us off to a family therapist, so they can tell me to shut up when I'm blasting out.  I was thrilled that she could do that on her own.

    She also proposed ending the conversation before one of us said something we would regret. That was another way she was the more adult.  She left the house later in the evening, which was a fantastic move.  We needed distance from each other.  In the olden days, wives would stay with their mother's for a while if there was a bad fight at home.  Each to his corner to heal some wounds and calm down.  Great system. 

    I was more adult in other regards.  I was good about telling Kathrin that  I expected her to keep me informed on what she was doing with my car.  Was this incident a vestigial form of adolescent rebellion, or was it a sign she was a millennial?  One is open to change; the other, not so much.

    It was one of the things that made my relationship with Mike possible from the beginning.  We had a conflict of interest about having sex on the second date (it was the 70s).  We argued that out in a Baskin Robbins.  His voice was soft, but mine was loud. We must have entertained someone.  We did it my way (obviously not forever.)  I learned how he handled conflict on an issue that was important to him. It was one of the moments when I registered, "I could live with this man." So glad he accepted my answer and continued pursuing me.  So happy- 45 years' worth.

    I notice that I don’t remember everything Kathrin said during the reconciliation discussion. . I remember more of what I said at that time because I have given it considerable thought beforehand.  It is the human condition to remember the moments that cause distress more than the ones that are pleasing. Makes sense; the good moments don’t call for attention and change. 

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Musings: I'm putting this separately so those who are not interested can choose not to read it.

    I think there are two ways to adapt to another person. One way is to accept the discomforts they create in your life and do something to maneuver yourself, so you avoid them,  sort of like camping out on the hard, bumpy ground. The other is to negotiate the difference so that rocks are softened sufficiently to create comfort. I would say that in any good relationship, both approaches are used. Some couples emphasize one more than the other.  The trick is to know when to apply one versus the other or run for your life.

    When I was living in the commune, some people insisted that negotiation was never necessary.  You either got along with people, or you didn't.  There is truth to this.  There are people in my life who present rocks.  Because they love me and enjoy my company, I am delighted to make adjustments to the discomforts they create in my life.  I find them amusing for the most part.     On the other hand, I would find long term living arrangements intolerable with someone I couldn't negotiate with as I couldn't with those folks in the commune.      

    While Mike and I had a sound basis for negotiation, there were also areas in our lives where we had to make do with each other.  The best I can say about those areas is that we were committed to making changes; we were works in progress. That intent was good enough for me, and I think it was also good enough for Mike.

    I know couples who live their lives, making adjustments around the discomforts they create in each other's lives; negotiation is an infrequent tool for resolving differences.  I couldn't live that way long term. I am so lucky I had Mike, who liked that I was a worthy opponent. I like worthy opponents too.

            

Friday, July 19, 2019

    I'm doing better with every passing hour, recovering from my anger at Kathrin.  I had some internal discomfort this morning in my gut, but it resolved in Bikram.  I also had a breakthrough today in class. While lying on my back with my knees bent, I was able to make contact with the ground with my torso's left side.  Seeing that, I held it in place and worked on slowly lowering the right side of my body to the ground by letting go of tension where I could. Earlier in the class, I experienced a release in the inside of my left ankle.  I guess these two are related.  I am so glad I have been focusing on my left foot with the chiropractor.  It has made a significant difference. After class, I asked Heather if she saw what was happening. She said yes; she got goosebumps watching me.  It is lovely having a teacher who can see what I'm doing.
    Today was the day of the memorial for Mike in Massachusetts for everyone in the Ross family, except me. I'm not there for two reasons.  One, I don't feel enough of a need to be there to warrant my traveling from Hawaii for it. Two: Mike's sister and one of her children and I are not on best terms, and I didn't want to disturb their experience.
    A separate memorial service became necessary because most of the people there were not at the Hawaiian funeral.  They had come to Hawaii to say good-bye to Mike when he was in the hospital, but a second trip was too much.  Just Damon, his wife, Cylin, and his son, August, were at both services.   Mike's sister, Randy, her husband, Ernie, her oldest daughter Shivani and her 2-year-old son Sidney, Randy's younger daughter, Tara, and her partner, Michael,  Jean, Mike's first wife, and her husband, John, were there..  Ah, a first cousin of Mike's who he hadn't seen for 50 years was there too. Everyone came to Northampton, Massachusetts, where Randy and Ernie live. Tara and Michael live in a nearby town.  I suspect anticipating this event, and its various ramifications made me more vulnerable the other day in my confrontation with Kathrin.
    After the event was over, while Damon, Cylin, August, and Jean were driving back to the hotel to shower before dinner, they called me to tell me how it went.  Well, nothing bad was said about either Mike or me.  That was good.  It was mostly structured around history, Mike's personal history, and his mother's family's genealogical history. Mike's first cousin Melanie is big into this.
    Damon said it was an unstructured event, although it didn't sound that way to me as he provided details.  It started with digitalized videos from Mike's childhood and videos in his first cousin's possession.  Then a photo album was shared, which Randy and Melanie put together showing pictures from Mike's youth and the family genealogy.  Then Damon played the slide show of Mike's photos he had put together for the funeral in Hawaii.  Some good things were said about Mike. That's all, folks. The family was off to a Chinese restaurant.  Mike loved Chinese food and was into cooking it.
    I feel confident in the love that some members of this family have for me. That's all I need. But I do need it.  Without it, I think I would be bereft.
     I did some work in the library.  While the books are all cataloged, there is a ton of paper to sort through.  I found ten credit cards I hadn't seen before. They looked like they had never been activated.  Why he saved them, I will never know. I will have to follow up and make sure they are dead, dead, dead. I'm beginning to be surprised I haven't found a stack of used toilet paper.  The man saved everything.
    While I was working in the library, I received a text from Kathrin.  She said she had time to think about it and wanted to talk to me. Sounded good to me. Then she followed it with the information that she had to be out of her place and wanted to come back.  I told her we'd see how our conversation went.  Does she think she is supposed to get everything her way, or was this just a nervous tick manifesting? She has shown consideration of my needs in our other interactions. I have to say that I have found her a pleasure to live with, but I am very easygoing as a hostess.  I encourage my guests to feel completely at home.  I lived in a commune and like living that way.  I look for equality.  However, when my boundaries are violated, and I don't mean those hidden biases that we all have, lookout.
    I put together a statement of expectations.  I am imagining several comments from her, mostly centered about conforming to some detail of our relationship instead of some general principle.  She is bright, but I don't know if she will respond to my abstractions.
When there is a conflict of needs:
a)    Both our needs are valid and beyond judgment. (When I don't want to give you precisely what you want, I am not judging your values, needs or actions.)
b)    We both acknowledge the validity of the other's needs. (No matter how trivial they may seem to us.)
c)    We are both willing to make an effort to accommodate the other person's needs.
d)    We both participate in finding an alternative that satisfying to both participants.
e)    Perfection is not required. It takes time to learn to negotiate.
f)    A solution does not have to found immediately unless it is a problem requiring an immediate one.
There are deal-breakers when it comes to living in my home. No drugs, no smoking, no loud music,  (Although I have a nasty habit of running the radio. But it is my home. Although, even I consider it inconsiderate of others.), and no pretending that I don't live here while I'm in the same house. Can't stand being treated that way.
    If we can't find a mutually comfortable way, one of us has to go.  And, t's not going to be me. That is non-negotiable.

Thursday, July 18, 2019

    I had a lousy night's sleep.  I tried to pray and meditate through my agitation.  I was doing the Hawaiian healing prayer," I'm sorry. I love you. Forgive me. Thank you."  You're supposed to say it to some divine being, whatever your beliefs.  I tried that and got nowhere.  I wound up saying it to Mike.  The "I love you" part felt real.  It was him I turned to when I was upset.  He would hold me and soothe me even if he thought that my behavior wasn't great. That's my current problem.  My behavior wasn't my finest.  I don't do well when people believe it is okay to ignore my needs.  I am always happy to negotiate.  I thought the resolution last Sunday night of Kathrin getting a ride home with someone else, or taking an Uber, and me going home alone was a good solution.  She didn't. She felt I was disrespecting her need to socialize.   I told her afterward that I thought if we went together in the future, she should make alternative plans to get home before the end of the evening.
    Whatever she did or did not do wrong is a factor, but my agitation in response instead of ferreting out what she meant and searching for a possible solution before blowing my stack feels lousy.  The truth is she has been good about my boundaries up to now.  She has slowly worked her way into the space and routine of the house. Now, I have to think she behaved that way because I have power and not because she also respects my boundaries.  But, I don't know what the truth is.
    I'm also suspect since her reaction was around the car, maybe this is a vestigial adolescent response to something that reminded her of her fights with her parents. There's that as a possibility, and there's the possibility that she is millennial.  No point negotiating if the latter is the case.
    I was glad to get up this morning and be done wrestling with sleep.  Bikram was a wonderful relief.  I shared with two of the women that I was upset because I hadn't been at my finest; I started crying. They both rushed over to hug me. That did some good, but even better was the phone call I got from Jean when I started driving home.
    I told her I was upset.  She said I have more than enough excuses for being not at my best.  It means a lot that I even opened my house to a total stranger. She said to forgive myself.  I told her I need her to call me every day to tell me that.  I think I'll up that to a quick phone call several times a day.  I still hurt.  Being angry causes me pain.
    In response to my text to Yvette saying that Kathrin and I had a fight and she was moving out, Yvette asked if I would like to do dinner.  I told her I was going to have a big lunch with the 'girls.' And a big dinner would not suit me. But a visit would be nice. She came up around the dinner hour, and I told her all that went down.  She thought Kathrin's behavior was outrageous.  Everyone I  speak to agrees with me.  I have to wonder if Kathrin's friends agree with her.  Yvette noticed that Kathrin still hadn't moved her stuff out. She made it clear that she would do whatever I needed to get her out if I wanted.  She felt fiercely protective. I thought there might be some guilt because she had brought Kathrin to me.  But no. She said she was only planning to have her stay a week. After that, it was my decision. Yvette spent about 15 minutes talking about all my virtues. She says she learned her generosity from me. Can't think of a greater compliment.  She made me feel better.  Being loved and told that my good attributes outweigh my bad is helpful.
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Musings: I'm putting this separately so those who are not interested can choose not to read it.

    Mike's mother used to say that the Internet was evil.  I never knew why she thought so, but I am beginning to see it that way myself.  It looks as if its ready access gives license to our worst impulses.  It speeds everything up.  It makes it easier for us to communicate with others in positive ways, but it also makes it possible for those who take pleasure coalescing with others around hate gain more power.  They can easily find their kind on the Internet. They express their ideas and threats anonymously.  It seems hate has a stronger voice through the Internet than kindness and love.  Am I wrong?
    I think the voice of love is soft and subtle; the sound of hate is loud and strident.  I had heard of something good that came out of our rapid communication system when someone reached out to dialogue with a hate monger and won her over.  Are these situations rare?   Could the Internet be used to help us listen to others with opposing points of view more?  I can't seem to get to that with friends I meet with over dinner.  The solution to our opposing points of view is not to discuss the topic rather than to dialogue.  Dialoguing when there are polarities is so hard. It's easier to avoid doing it.  I suppose it's at our peril.
     I could ask to hear more of the opposing point of view, but I'm scared about what I'm going to hear coming out of their mouths.  I scared I'm going to be reactive instead of calm and try to see the underlying merit in their point of view, as I would with a friend I am negotiating with.
    Good conversation follows the same rules as improvisation:  when someone gives you a line, follow it with AND not BUT.  How can I do that when their opinions frighten me so when I see the ideas they support leading to disaster?
    As always, I come back to the idea that if I want to make a change, I have to start with me, "the man in the mirror," to quote Michael Jackson.
   

Wednesday, July 17, 2019

    Wait till you hear how this day ended.  It started all right.  When walking Elsa, there was Scott out on the road waiting for Yvette at 6 am.  A little early for a 7:30 am Bikram class.  When he and Yvette left, I was coming back from my walk.  Yvette showed me a book on meditations. She and Scott were heading to the beach to meditate.  When I got to Bikram, they were there. I did more work on the small toes of my left foot.  Ah, yesterday, while working in the garden, I was able to push myself up using my left leg-- while holding on to two trees and hauling myself up.  It was still new.

    Today I worked in the garden collecting all the garden waste in one place so that the gardeners could gather it up and take it away. Now that the garden is cleaner, I can continue working on the heavy weeding. 

    I had a telephone appointment with my therapist at 11.  I’m working on dealing with the inner tolerance for others. My intolerance is not particularly pronounced until you push my buttons.  Then it comes through loud and clear.

    And to that point.  Kathrin borrowed m car to go to the farmers market and Safeway.  She left at 1:30. While she was gone, I got a call from Scott’s friend who may fix the dented fenders on my car. One of them is causing a scraping sound on my front left tire when I make right turns. He said he would stop by to take a look at the car sometime before 7 pm when he had an appointment in my neighborhood. I texted her and told her I needed the car by 6:15.   She asked me if I needed anything from the store. I said, no, thank you. She said, you’re welcome.

    She was home promptly by 6:15.  I thanked her and told her that I was worried, given her behavior the other night.  She asked to borrow the car to go to the beach to see the sunset.  Long after the sunset, I finally texted her to see if she was okay.  She said she was just thinking of texting me herself.  I was expecting her home after sunset. But, no, she fell in love with the moon.  Great! But she should have informed me.  She said she lost touch with time. Didn’t she notice if the sun had set?  

    She tells me that I’m trying to control her because I expect her to text me as to her plans after being gone for 3 hours.  I’m not respecting her lifestyle and who she is. We’re different, and I’m not taking this into account.  Has anyone seen me get angry?  Well, you should have been there.  

    I am not the best when I get angry; I must admit.  My voice gets loud, I interrupt, and I can be blisteringly sarcastic.  The good news is she could hold her own with me, telling me to wait when I did interrupt.  The bad news was that she accused me of controlling her because I wouldn’t allow her to use my car for free for as long as she wanted to without contacting me.  Boy, she pressed a pretty impressive button. Now I was really angry.   She was telling me that she expected me to do everything for her convenience. I told her she could do whatever she wanted as long as it didn’t involve me or my car.  She thought I should know that she would be endlessly involved in conversations wherever she went, and I was suppressing her.  Oh, dear.  I’m not interested in dealing with someone who thinks I’m controlling them. 

    I spoke to Judy.  She flipped out that this 30-year-old would live in my house for free, use my car for free would say I was trying to control her if I insisted that she give me an exact time when she expected to return the car or text me. 

    There was another similar incident came up last Sunday.  She introduced me to a group of Krishnas on the island who had regular Sunday feast days with some religious ceremonies. I found it very interesting and the food delicious.  However, she always wanted to stay much longer than I did. My idea of saying good-bye is a quick dash around the room. The last time we went, the group broke up late, and I was particularly anxious to get home. I told her I wanted to go home.  Without a backward glance, she told me she had to say good-bye. An alternative would be her asking me, “Can you give me a minute? I want to say good-bye.”

    I watched her converse with one woman for at least a minute, if not longer.  More distressing, I saw no signs in her body language that she was saying, “I have to make this quick because Betty wants to get going.”  Her idea of saying good-bye is an extended conversation with everyone in the room.  I told her if she wanted to engage in prolonged conversations, she should find some other way to get home. She found another participant to drive her home, and I left.  I thought the solution was a good one: a win/win situation.  As far as she was concerned, she felt I was disrespectful of her. Judy said she sounded like a millennial. 

    During our confrontation, I told her if she felt controlled by my need to keep tabs on my car, I wouldn’t lend her the car. That way, we would both have what we wanted: she wouldn’t feel controlled, and I would know where my car was.  I also talked about the possibility of her moving out.    

    I prepared my meal. We avoided each other except for a few passing exchanges.  I had trouble concentrating on my meal and the book I was reading because I struggled with what I was going to do and say. I was giving myself a week to decide if she had to go or not. I like that she could stand up to me, but she addressed me as if we had equal rights to the house and the car. Ah, maybe not. Having a sense of entitlement is good but within limits. 

    I went into the library afterward. I was still agitated. I was trying to figure out what to do about this situation. If Kathrin feels we have equal rights to this house and the car, we have a problem.  Kathrin came to the library and said she would stay at a friend’s for the night and move out tomorrow.  I said that I thought it would be a good idea; we have different ideas on how to relate.  From what she said, she has been harboring some critical thoughts about me. 

    I am sorry I didn’t hear those critical thoughts.  I can always learn from it even if no one who knows me well agrees with it. There is always some truth in what they have to say.  If nothing else, it helps me understand how other people think and guides me on how to relate to them.  It’s all good.  I’m sorry we can’t work it out, but it looks like we can’t.  I find I am relieved that the decision has been taken out of my hands.  I will sleep well tonight. 

    Josh came up while the fight was on.  He quickly walked in and then out.  I thought he left because he didn’t want to intrude. I knew he had come up to find the power cord for the stationary bike. When Kathrin and I were through,  I grabbed two miscellaneous power cords and ran down to his house.  He had left quickly because he had found one plugged into a power strip pointing to the bike.  I just sat there in his house and tried to calm down.  

    I am more upset by this whole experience than Mike’s death.  I feel good about how I was as his wife when he was alive and as his companion and support in those five weeks in the hospital.  I associate loving and being loved with all those experiences.  Not that there wasn’t occasional acting out.  Mike liked to say, ‘Our marriage works because there is always one adult present, and it’s not always the same one.”  There was no adult present in my confrontation with Kathrin.  If anything, she was more adult in the tone of it, but not in her expectations.  I don’t think you can say she is not functioning as an adult, but just as an adult with a strong sense of her rights. 

    She said my need to be contacted because I was concerned about the car was my problem. Can you picture the smoke coming out of my ears? Mike and I didn’t judge each other’s needs.  We responded with how we were comfortable responding or not responding.  We weren’t expected to go way beyond our limits. However, we were expected to do whatever we could to accommodate the other’s needs without significant self-sacrifice.  We never expected the other to change something about themselves just because the other one wanted it.  We both believed that we were better off as we made adjustments to each other’s needs.  We became bigger people. We did expect the other one to contemplate how they could make that adjustment. I think we both had confidence in the other’s intent — that created room for a great deal of tolerance and patience.  We didn’t betray each other.  Will I ever have this relationship with another human being again?

            

Tuesday, July 16, 2019

    My new foot position is challenging the muscles on the outside of my left leg, but it feels like a good thing.  I think this will make my leg muscles stronger. 

    Scott drove up to the house after Bikram to change Yvette's car battery.  While he was here, I had him look at that alcove off the library, where I would like to put in a bath with a shower.  He said it didn't look like too big a job to hook up the sewage line.  Doing this is always a big challenge here in Hawaii.  Anything that involves being underneath the surface of the earth means breaking up rock.  Our water supply lines all run above ground until they get inside the house.  Since I want a toilet, a sink, and a shower in that space, it will require a sewer line. 

    He also said that he had checked about borrowing equipment to blow insulation into the Yvette and Josh's ceiling to provide a buffer from the noise of people walking around upstairs.  That equipment is not for rent. There is one company that offers the service, but it's expensive. He suggested buying cans of Great Stuff, aerosol cans of insulation, making small holes in the ceiling and blowing it in, and sealing up the holes again. 

    I'm planning at some point to have others living here with me. I'm not interested in being in this big house all alone, nor am I interested in leaving this house except feet first.  

    I called the credit card company to deal with a little problem they created for me.  After making it a challenge to claim the reward points on Mike's credit card, they sent me a check with the incorrect amount.  It was $300 over what it should have been. I was pleasantly surprised by the amount; I hadn't expected that much, but neither did I think of the company making an error. 

    Then a week later, I got a second check for $351.  I thought it looked funny, getting two checks, so I set the second one aside without depositing it.  A week later, I got notification from the bank that there had been a stop payment on the first check.  This is without warning from the company and without an apology.  The bank charged me $10 for the stop payment.  I called the company today and was told that I would have to write a letter to ask for my $10 back and a letter of apology.  Fortunately, the bounced check didn't cause significant problems in my life.

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Musings: I'm putting this separately so those who are not interested can choose not to read it.

    Yesterday I wrote that our true nature can go either way: for good or evil. We're not filled only with love and compassion, but with our dark side too.  In the homily, the priest said that love is our true nature.

    Are we born loving?  Well, yes and no.  We are born needing to be loved, not just physically cared for. We need to feel we are a source of pleasure, delight, to those around us. When an infant doesn't feel that way, it can sink into despair and even die. 

    We know that just physical care is not enough to satisfy an infant.  There were orphanages in eastern Europe where children were warehoused, physically cared for, but no one picked them up, expressed delight in their presence. The results were dramatic.  Children died from a "failure to thrive."

    Here we are getting into the definition of love.  Love is an abstract concept.  Each person has his sense of what it is about.  In the play Marat/Sade, Peter Brooks dramatized Charlotte Corday's murder of Marat.  They were both active in the French Revolution, overthrowing the royalty of France.  If you don't know the follow up of the revolution, it was bloody.  Corday sings, "And love meant one thing to you, I see, and something quite different to me," as she stabs Marat to death. Isn't it the darndest thing how love can mean one thing to you and something quite different to me?  

    I don't see an infant as capable of love so much as capable of being loved unconditionally.   There is a difference.  Loving someone has to have something to do with recognizing the other person is separate from yourself.  Also, the power disparity brings mutual love into question.  

    So what is this impulse to be loved?  I think it is linked to survival.  If our tribe does not show us that they are pleased with us, our lives are as much in danger as when we are denied basic physical sustenance.  Why?

      During the hunter-gatherer period, our nervous systems were developed. The objective was our survival. We didn't only need physical nutriments, we needed to know that we were welcome in the tribe.  If the tribe saw our behavior as unacceptable, we could be left for the wolves, literally, or killed. Those early tribes couldn't afford to carry people who couldn't conform to the tribal expectations. Some of those expectations had to do with no being a burden, having to be carried beyond a certain age, or being unable to participate in the tribe's activities for the of the tribe..  The tribe couldn't afford the luxury of carrying a 'disabled' person.  They were all living to close to the bone. 

    I assume this 'knowledge' is part of our nervous system.  We are social animals.  Our need for connection and approval is part of our survival need.  We look for signals as to what we are doing right or wrong. Receiving affection signals approval and delight, pleasure.  If we are doing something 'wrong' by the trial standards, we know we have to get our act together or suffer the consequences, and those consequences could be dire, as life-threatening as lack of physical nourishment. 

    Let's say love is the need to be bonded with our familiars, to feel that they are a friendly part of our environment, Since they take delight in us, we take delight in them. Since they offer us security, and our security is dependent on them, we offer them security once we are in a position to do so.  The connection feels fantastic!  It leaves us feeling so safe and so at ease.  How lovely to catch someone smiling at us just because we are there. Ah!

    On the other hand, hate for those who are not members of our group can be just as satisfying.  Research has shown that we get the same oxytocin boost from hating those unlike us as we do from loving those who are like us.  That cry of hatred is one of the things that reinforces our sense of unity with our tribe. We are US, and they are THEM.  US! US! US!  Yeah for our team.  Is our species capable of love without hate?  Oh, boy. Isn't this the question of the hour at this time of history?