Friday, December 6, 2024

 Friday, December 6, 2024 

   I got up late this morning, at 6 a.m. Usually, I'm awake by 3:30/4 and up no later than 5. I skipped my morning yoga exercises to get out and walk with Elsa before sunrise. I watered the shrubs, 10 seconds per plant for each one. I also did a bit of weeding while I was out there. 

   I was exhausted. I was hard hit with grief since my birthday. Too much loss. My mind was dulled.  I tried napping to fix the problem. That didn't work. A good cry might have helped, but I was too well-trained to cry. I have to be pushed over a pretty steep cliff before I surrender to weeping.  Then, I sob loudly. It sounds like I'm laughing.

   I set out to town. I nearly made a fatal mistake turning onto Hiolani, and  I nearly made a left turn into oncoming traffic. But I didn't. A miss is as good as a mile. I don't know how close I came, but my perception of the situation was weird. 

   Since it was clear I wasn't feeling well, I called Darby to cancel our birthday celebration lunch appointment for today. She proposed we reschedule.

    Today was the last Hula session before the next session in January.  I made it to the church parking lot and decided I didn't have the energy. Given I had attended every session so far, I was concerned that someone might be worried about me.  I look out for others, so I anticipate that others may look out for me.

    I had some chores to do in town, so I went to Lowes to return the 10 gauge 25 ft. extension cord. Besides not needing it because I got the dedicated line put in, it had a four-prong plug instead of a three-prong, so it was useless.

   Then I went to Office Max to hand in the used toner cartridge, get my $2 credit, and have the 404-page 2019 update entries bound.  

  I walked down the strip mall to Island Naturals to pick up their tuna salad.  On my way there, I had a weird experience. A young woman walking in the other direction said, "What a great smile  you have!" I wasn't feeling well and thought I was grimacing instead of smiling. She made another friendly comment, and I turned to talk to her. She had the demeanor of a Mormon, a young person who looked like they were just bathed with ivory soap. She made some other comments. I asked her if she was new to the island. Aloha is one thing, but this was something else. She was in her missionary year with the University of Nations.  Ah! She may not have been a Mormon but was cut from the same cloth. She asked me my name and gave me hers. She went on her way.

    Afterward, it occurred to me that she may have thought I was homeless or mentally ill. I wore a sweatshirt and wasn't feeling well. I wear a sweatshirt most of the time. It's cool at my elevation but can also be very unpleasant and humid, especially when the trade winds take a break. By wearing warm clothes, I set my thermostat to have a high tolerance for heat.

   I learned that trick from my friend David when I was a student at the University of Wisconsin in Madison. He told me that if I wanted to tolerate the extremes of temperature there, I had to avoid wearing warm clothing as winter came on and keep as much clothing on as I could tolerate as summer came in.

      Then I went to Kia.  The service manager, Joe, called this morning to say the parts were in, and he needed the car for two hours.  When the plans for lunch with Darby were still in place, she would pick me up at the garage and drop me off after lunch. Now, I would spend the two hours in the lounge.

   I drove to Kia. Joe greeted me warmly with open arms. "I feel like we're old friends."  He is an amazingly warm, open, honest person. He offered me a ride home. I took the blanket from a car that I had stored there for the monthly sound bath and crystal healing and curled up on the couch in the waiting room. I didn't sleep. My troubled mental state interfered.  When I sat up planning to work, Joe came in to tell me the job was done. However, he suspected a continuing problem.  he said he sent the digital information to corporate.  The information wouldn't be back till Monday.  Before I left, I took a pit stop. When I returned the bathroom key to the parts manager. I talked about how great Joe was.  She agreed. She said the change in the shop started six months ago when the new GM started. He made all the difference. He's the one who hired Joe. He cared about the clients.

   I only had 6th-grade RC today. She was her usual withholding self. Whenever I asked her if she saw an improvement or how she felt about the lesson, she gave me noncommittal responses. She drove me nuts. 

    When I asked her about today's session, she admitted she didn't want to be there. She wanted to clean her room so she could visit a friend—a reasonable way to feel, especially for an adolescent. But she always behaves this way. 

   I asked her if she ever heard about passive-aggressive behavior. She sure did. I told her it was a good strategy when used appropriately.  The slaves in the American South used it to thwart their masters.  They pretended they were slow and incompetent to frustrate them. it was a way to take some control over their lives and regain their dignity. 

    My first question was, did she feel the tutoring sessions were potentially harmful to her. No.  It was up to her mother if the sessions were to continue.  Her behavior wasn't going to change that. All she was accomplishing was making all three of us, her mother, her, and me, uncomfortable.  

    I told her a story of a realization I had when I was her age. I faced a chore my mother thought was so horrible that she didn't want to do it.  In those days,  in the early 1950s, girls had to wear gym uniforms to physical education classes. They were jumpsuits with baby doll sleeves and shorts, baby doll pant legs.  They were a nightmare to iron; we were required to wash and iron them every week. My mom took one look at that uniform and said,  no way. So, I had to learn how to iron. I figured if she dreaded doing it, it would be worse for me, as I had never ironed anything before in her life.  But once I got going, I discovered I could find a way to enjoy the task.  I discovered the blue color of the uniform changed when I applied the heat of the iron.  I enjoyed the color show. I learned there's always a way to figure out how to get something positive out of every situation.  Since she wasn't going to get out of these tutoring sessions with her behavior, she might as well figure out a way to invest. She wasn't going to get to her friend's house faster with her negative behavior.