Monday, September 30, 2024

 Monday, September 30, 2024  

     I slept reasonably well. When I woke up, I focused on my troubling life circumstances. I wish I could cry the way some of my friends can. They sit down and sob. It would give me some relief.  My circumstances are difficult. I believe it's challenging to make a reasonable decision or take reasonable action to fix your circumstances when overcome by emotion.  So, I have to calm myself and develop a joyful acceptance of my circumstances. Then, the solution would be as clear as the image at the bottom of a tranquil pool of water. 

   I'm still tired after my morning walk. I laid down to nap, almost forgetting I had to leave at 7:30 for town to do the Chi Qigong on the beach. I left a bit later than usual and got caught behind a school bus. That delay didn't make too much difference. By the time we were lined up for the light at Queen K, traffic was backed up a good mile, with the bus among those vehicles stuck in traffic.

   I wasn't sure if Clyde would be there this morning.  He was out last week to have a large cyst removed from his breast.  His doctor insisted he stay home. I couldn't make it anyway. I had my first Covid symptoms early that day. 

    After Clyde and I finished the sequence, we sat on the nearby bench to take in the view and share a few minutes. He showed me his scar. It was across half his chest. It must have been a massive cyst. While he had to have the surgery done in the hospital under total anesthesia, it was an outpatient procedure. He asked me about my circumstances.

  I told him about my sadness. He advised me to forgive the people involved. I told him forgiveness was not the issue. I understood why they did what they did. No one was consciously malicious.  These were all defensive moves.  They weren't capable of more, but that didn't mean their actions didn't hurt.  I asked him to stop. He did and sat with me silently. 

    Then, there was a change in his energy. I thanked him.  He had changed his mindset from giving me 'helpful advice' to sitting with me with compassion.  This was a deliberate shift on his part. It took effort, and he did it in response to my needs, being more concerned about my distress than his failure to effectively address it. What a gift! 

    He thanked me for telling him he had been successful. He said he hadn't changed his mindset. I told him he committed to changing his energy. It took intention and effort. Again, what a gift.

   I went to Target next to pick up the items Shirlaine had recommended for Elsa: an antibiotic cream and brown Listerine. I didn't know that existed, and I still don't know what makes it different from the green or blue variety. Shirlaine said it was the original formula. I guess it doesn't have alcohol, which would sting Elsa's irritated skin.

    I came home to an empty house to write. I call d Jean partly for comfort and partly to do the meditation. I would be busy in the afternoon.  I shared my distress with her. She's a good listener.  She goes a little overboard, telling me she will be here for me when I'm too old to care for myself.  It's a promise she can't keep.  Traveling to visit her grandkids is becoming a challenge.  However, she did say she needed me. That meant the world to me.  I've made friends on the street who need me as I need them, but my family members are not on that list. They all see me, at best, as an annoyance, a burden, or an obligation. Yuck!

     Jean and I did our daily water meditation.  She's struggling with two difficult real estate deals.  Since she was leaving for Hawaii the next day, a friend would take over the assignment. I'm not sure how this affects her income.

   Yesterday, I picked up Haagen Das mini chocolate almond ice cream sticks. I ate three. My weight was up to 131 lbs. I was glad to see the scale going up instead of down. However, I was disappointed in the ice cream.  I have always thought Haagen Da vanilla ice cream was the best.  It didn't taste the same. I don't know if my taste buds have changed over the several years since I've had any Haagen Das ice cream or if the formula has changed. Either way, I was a bummer.

   I caught a dance performance to Someone I Used to Know choreographed and danced by a modern dance troop. It was terrible. The choreography was awful; the dancing was terrible. It made me appreciate the genius of the CDK performance all the more. I suspect the quality of my dance, if I post a video of me performing We Both Went for the Gun, will be about the same as this modern dance troop.