Wednesday, September 25, 2024

 Wednesday, September 25, 2024

    I’m still low on energy. Is this because I’m in recovery or because I’m down? Who knows? The sadness is an ancient feeling. I remember feeling this way before my sister was born. She was supposed to save me from my misery. I don’t know if she came in with that intent,  but she never had a chance to be my savior. The forces were against both of us. 

   I did my morning exercises and worked on learning the dance steps for We Both Reached for the Gun. The choreography is accessible for someone my age and shape. My plan is to learn it, master it, and post a video on YouTube of this 84-year-old lady performing. Obviously, it won’t be the best version of the dance. 

    I got some gardening done. I had to force myself to get up and do it.  I picked up some green waste from trimming, which I did two weeks ago. I filled the two-gallon spray bottle with one gallon of 30% vinegar and one gallon of regular white vinegar.  Then, I got a phone call from Shelly for my 10 a.m. therapy appointment.  I talked about my down mood; I hate doing nothing and don’t want to do anything. How’s that for a double-bind? How does one untangle oneself from that state of mind?  Meanwhile, I’m planning a YouTube video of me dancing. Put that all together and come out with something that makes sense. 

   I did some gardening, but nothing makes me feel like I’ve accomplished anything.  I’ve had therapists drone on about how we are not human doings but human beings, and no one ever goes to their grave complaining they didn’t spend enough time at work.  I complained about it. They told me something was wrong with me. Maybe people don’t say it because they’re afraid someone will dump that crap on them. While it certainly is not good to be at work all the time, a life without a meaningful contribution doesn’t feel good either. 

   Right now, my work with fourth-grade LG fits that bill. I teach him cognitive strategies for organizing and remembering unfamiliar information.  There’s a chance a simple metacognitive adjustment will remedy his problems.  However, if there is an underlying auditory processing and memory problem, that will change what I must do.  I don’t like the work when it is simply a mindless drill.  Having to repeatedly tell the students the steps they must take when they hit a word they can’t decode easily is an example of such tedium.  While I understand the inclination to fall back on some ‘easy’ solution that doesn’t work, repeating all the steps as if the student has never seen them before is still unpleasant. 

  I ate half of the lentil soup left over yesterday, along with some salad. When I was done, I still had some appetite. I made myself a frozen beef and broccoli dinner and ate most of it.