Wednesday, October 2, 2024

 Wednesday, October 2, 2024 

   I was tired by 8:30 last night. I hung on till 9 before going to bed. I was optimistic I would sleep through the night despite the nap I took after my morning walk. I hadn't had another nap for the rest of the day. 

   When I woke and checked the time, it was 10:28 p.m. on the nose.  I had had a good nap, no more. I dreaded the rest of the night.  I vaguely remember calming my mind by thinking of the music on the Tapping App.  The next time I looked at the time, it was 4:30 a.m. I managed to avoid stinking thinking before I got up at close to six. Wow! How's that for a good night's sleep.

   In the early morning hours, I figured out a personality driver. There are people who believe they should know what others want. Since they are well-intentioned, they can do no harm. Since doing no harm is linked to their positive intentions and, therefore, their virtuous nature, they are devastated when their behavior isn't greeted with gratitude and praise.  Since the outcome is based on delusional thinking, what the hell do they expect?  If the recipient of their 'caring actions' isn't pleased or downright displeased, it means they were wrong. Since their being right is based on the premise they acted out of good intentions, which sprang from their virtuous nature, if their behavior was harmful, they couldn't be coming out of positive intentions and therefore could not be a good person.  What a house of cards!

     While I hadn't been working with Adolescent D anymore, I had been consulting with his mom. He passed his written driver's permit test, and she was teaching him to drive. She was concerned because she found his reaction time off. Was that related to the problems he had reading?  I often found his responses delayed. He would never let me deal with it. Denial was his favored strategy whenever a problem arose. There was clearly nothing wrong with him.  

    I suggested D's mom test his reflexes by saying, "Here, Catch," and throwing him an object, an apple, a banana, etc.  She tried it and found the results' inconclusive.'  If his reaction times are slow in driving, this is a much more serious problem than in reading. People's lives are at stake.  I contacted a young person I knew who is huge into video games and got recommendations on video games that would train for reaction time. He sent me the names of two, one of which used cars in some capacity.

   Fourth-grade LG's mom texted to say her car had broken down. She would not be home in time to help LG get online for the Zoom link.  She also said she consulted with his teachers.  I had asked her to include me in the conference; she hadn't. His mother is somewhat of a flake. She told me she had a closed head injury, and it impacted her mental performance. 

   The teachers saw improvement but said his reading accuracy should be better. She told me to have him read more with me. I asked her to consult me so I could advise her on how to work with him to improve his accuracy. I got no response. I have no idea why people hire me, see my success, and yet refuse to even hear my advice, much less act on it.

    I had been working with him on his accuracy and saw improvement when he read with me.  My guess is he is too anxious to sound good when he reads with his mother or the teachers. His anxiety clouds his perception, and he makes mistakes.  I think I have to work more on detailed phonemic analysis.  The enhanced perceptual acuity developed in that process may override his anxiety.

   I watched a South African TV series called Catch Me a Killer.  I recognize her analytic thinking about people in myself. When she worked as a profiler for the police department, she used her skill to stop and imprison serial killers.  You might say she was their predator. She was out to take their freedom from them.  Micki Pistorius burned out as a forensic profiler.  She had to get into the heads of murderously disturbed people.  I read she became a regular therapeutic psychologist afterward.  I would say her skills were used for the benefit of her clients then.  She was no longer a predator.  Someone said they consider my awareness of others predatory. I suppose it would be if I were taking something from them they didn't want to give.  I don't set out to do that and am more than willing to hear if the other person feels violated; it's up to the other person to let me know.

   I don't suggest I can make an immediate change or am willing to.   Mike took offense when I lovingly described some foible of his to friends. I couldn't blame him, but I had a hell of a time controlling the impulse. It arose out of love and affection. However, I could clearly see his point of view. I was talking about him as if he was a bumbling child making childish errors. It must have felt humiliating.  It suggested I saw him as a child to him and others. I understood.  I see all of us as bumbling children trying to do our best.  For me, it's the human condition. I think we're all funny. The impulse to describe Mike arose out of my affection for him. I found his foibles funny, not anger producing. 

   Usually, I watch and learn because I'm interested in learning more to build connections. However, the other day, I observed myself doing something different. It wasn't a charming view of myself.  

   I ran into someone I knew from church. This woman has a history of judging everyone, really everyone. She tells everyone how to behave. She was crazy about Deacon Mike. She wasn't so crazy about me.  I thought she assumed I wasn't good enough for such an intelligent, dedicated man.  This woman isn't aging well. While she is considerably younger than me, her skin is in worse shape.  I looked at her, thinking, '"She's not pretty anymore." I suspect that thought was reflected on my face.  While I disapprove of my behavior, I feel badly enough about her treatment of me that some part of me relishes' paying her back." Judge others so you will not be judged.  It doesn't always work that way.  I've been judged by people I didn't judge. When we feel self-conscious or inadequate, I think we suffer from a deficit in loving. It's easier to love others when we feel good about ourselves.  my sister made a remarkable comment about how we perceive those we love, "Their face is always interesting." That's how I feel about most faces. I'm probably not as judgment-free as an artist about to draw that face.  I think about what works and what doesn't.