Friday, May 24, 2019

    My leg bothered me this morning as I was lying in bed with nerve pain running down its length. I did a  lot of massage with my tennis ball in the hour before the alarm went off.  When I finally got up to walk the Elsa dog, I could feel discomfort in the hip joint. Now, my appointment for hip surgery is currently in September when I am planning to do a tour of the west coast relatives: Seattle (Karin, David, and baby Sam), San Francisco (Shivani and Sidney), and LA (Damon, Cylin, and August). When the nurse calls me to change the date, I'm thinking I'd better change my ever-changing appointment for October instead of three months out. We'll see.

    I followed my usual routine, plus one kettle for the weeds, and made my Juice Plus smoothie for two days. I set out extra almond milk and Juice Plus powder to be sure that there was some in easy reach for Shivani. When she woke up, she complained of a sore throat and asked if I had any Vitamin C.  I had nothing in the house, so I called Yvette and Josh. Yvette came up like a shot with elixirs in hand.  I took care of Sidney to let her sleep longer.  I handed him back over to his mom when I left for Bikram. I didn't find out if Yvette's remedies had an effect until I came back home.

    When I checked my email this morning, I saw Mike Berstene got back to me on the 

Paulist Press's response to his submission of Mike's book. The publishing house accepted the manuscript for review.  This doesn't mean that they will publish it, but it's a start. Yeah!  He also called Orbis press but hadn't heard back yet. We'll see. I'm still prepared to self-publish through Amazon if necessary.

    It was JJ's last class until September. He off to the mainland to teach workshops and classes, compete in yoga contests (yes, there are yoga competitions), and visit family.

    I had a very long savasana at the end of class before I went to rinse off in the 'rinse only' shower. I didn't get on the road until 9:30, usually when I get home from the weekday classes. I went to school to work with a 3rd-grade student who has made a significant jump from nothing to the level considered the transition between 1st and 2nd grade. When I worked with him yesterday, I noticed he had problems holding sounds and blending them. However, I also noticed he had some good decoding skills, while there is still information missing, like the vowel rules. But the bigger problem is that he wants to read like everyone else, without conscious thought and quickly.  He doesn't appreciate that the learning phase of anything requires that someone move more slowly and consciously.  The only book available was a third-grade book she was using with the whole class because the teacher had already packed up the books in anticipation of summer vacation.  He complained that it was such a hard book. He was able to do a pretty good job, better than expected when I pushed him to slow down and use the skills he had. He's just very immature.  

    I headed home, thinking I would have to take care of Sidney for Shivani because she was not feeling well.  I planned to modify some cleaning chores to make them play for a two-year-old.  I have tons to do. This will be fun for me, too. I do silly and messy pretty well myself.

    I have been talking to Mike more, mostly as I drive. I can feel him there with me, worrying about my safety and my wellbeing in general. I have lost such sweetness from my life.  For others, Mike was a great intellect and a great administrator, a fantastic teacher, a counselor who touched them deeply.  For me, he was the sweetness in my life.  He was so kind so eager to see me happy, so delighted with what I was, the way I looked, my sense of humor, my decency, my friendliness, my pan-intellectual interests, the way my mind worked, making connections between random things, (as far as he was concerned.), my affectionate nature, my ability to challenge him on domestic issues when I disagreed strongly and my ability to co-create a unique solution to a problem that neither of us could have come up with independent of the other.  So sweet. So sweet. 

    I finished washing the dishes from this morning. Some pans had to soak more before I could get them clean. I sat down and worked on the blog.

    We got packed up to head to the beach. It took a while for us to get organized, but Shivani, Sidney, and I made it there. We went to the harbor beach, the one beach I thought would be appropriate for Sidney that we hadn't visited yesterday.  The harbor beach is where the small boats are harbored. When the large cruise boats come in, they have to anchor away from the shore.  Our shoreline is altogether too rocky and shallow for ships to dock. Although, I understand there is a large boat harbor in Havi, further north. 

    The swimming area used to be a fishing pond that the native Hawaiians set up.  It is a lagoon. It's man-made; they actually put down the rocks to create the lagoon. Judy told me they suspended slats from the rocks so the little fish could swim into the sheltered area, but they couldn't get out as they got bigger. Clever, eh?  Nowadays, it is a national park area, and it is just used for pleasure. The water is shallow all the way out, calm, and warm.  Perfect for us folks who are not interested in taking on the large waves and dangerous shorelines of the other beaches here on the Big Island. 

    As we headed out to the beach from the parking lot, we started to walk out without the stroller.  When Shivani saw how far we would have to walk, she went back to get it. Good move; it's a good ¼ mile walk. What was I thinking?  There was no way Sidney was going to make it on his own that whole way, and our arms were loaded with beach equipment. She was able to push the stroller over the rocks.

    Shivani, Sidney, and I went to this beach to meet up with Judy and Paulette.  Auntie P was her usual winning self with Sidney. This woman has a gift with young children. Adam's kids are so lucky to have her around along with Judy and Howard.  It was Sidney's first time swimming in the ocean. We stayed there until 4:30.  I went in too.  Problem:  because I have no ballast in my bottom anymore, I have trouble getting my feet down below my head even in calm water. My hips literally float up and force my head down.  

    When we got home, Shivani cooked dinner. I was sitting in the living room and heard the stovetop fan go on high, but didn't think too much of it. When I looked up, I saw the kitchen was filled with smoke. She wasn't used to Mike's super-duper stovetop; high means different things on different stovetops. When I became aware of what was going on, I turned on every ceiling fan in the house. The smoke cleared out quickly. Despite the rough start of the steak, it still tasted good, and she made an alfredo light with broccoli that was absolutely delicious. 

    Sidney and Shivani went to bed shortly after dinner. I went to watch tv. I was watching May Day, this bizarre story of the murder of a May Day queen in a small English town.  Too weird.  I went to the last episode to see who done it and went back to watching Silent Witness. The main character has switched jobs, and the tone of the show maybe a little better.  I do like the show, just not the monotony of the leading charter. There are like 17 years' worth of shows.  This should keep me entertained for a while 

    I cataloged another 20 books.  I am over 1500 now, and I think I'm through about half of the total number of books. I walked Elsa before going to bed, washed my face, brushed my teeth, and went to bed. Good night, Elsa, Goodnight, Mike.

Thursday, May 23, 2019

    I followed the usual morning routine for Monday through Friday. One reader asked what I do with the kettle of water; do I boil the weeds in the water?  No, I pour the boiling water over the weeds to kill them with no toxic side effects.
    After Bikram, I had many stops before I got home, so I rinsed off and changed into street clothes. The first stop was at the chiropractor’s.  We are doing much more work on my shoulders, neck, all the area about my armpits. Then off to Target. I picked up bananas and Hersey Milk Chocolate bars with whole almonds. I had to look hard to find some. Then I went off to Midas for my annual car inspection. Here, there are no emissions inspections. I was told that only happens in big cities. Someone assumes that because we’re in the middle of the Pacific, everything dissipates and disappears. Really?  I was freezing in the waiting room.  I stepped outside to see if my car was even in the bay. Before I got around the corner, someone came after me to tell me the car inspection was finished.
    My next stop was at Costco. I picked up a package of salad mix and checked out the electric toaster ovens with convention. Holy Cow!  They usually sell reliable products. Besides, it was 12 dollars off the usual price. I grabbed it.
    I thought of going to school to work with one student who has skills but does not use them effectively to learn. He is an immature boy.  I don’t know how bright he is, but he is definitely not thoughtful.  He wants what’s easiest and most fun at the moment. He does not take long-term consequences into consideration. It’s as if they don’t exist.  He has the skills to improve his learning skills on his own now but won’t use them. Yes, he’s right: good readers just look at the word, and the correct word pops out of their mouths.  However, that’s not how the good reader learned to read.  You can’t imitate the person who has perfected the skill if you want to learn it. That’s a pretty sophisticated idea.  There are adults I’ve met that don’t get that. There are moments in my life when I don’t get it.  What’s with us?
    When I got home, I  cleaned house in anticipation of my niece Shivani and her 2-year-old son, Sidney, arriving. It’s not that she would care if the house was clean or not; it’s my need to use a guest as motivation to clean the house.  Mike and I used to say, “Where’s a guest when you really need one?”  I washed the kitchen floor, did some light vacuuming of the lanai, washed the guest bathroom floor, cleaned the bathroom countertop, and cleaned the guest bathroom toilet.  I used sandpaper to clean the ring. This is a fantastic discovery.  It works like a charm.  I learned about it from Govinda when I stayed at the ashram.  I’m just using some leftover sandpaper, but Judy tells me they sell sandpaper on a stick, so you don’t have to worry about getting your hands dirty.
    Yvette’s been saying that she found termites in the house, and we need another treatment. I called the company I used before. Ken, our contractor, recommended a man who worked for a termite company. He had moved to another company. The guy pointed to my bay window seat and said, “Look at all the termite wings. You have a house full of termites.  You need to have the house tented; spot treatment won’t work here.”  A mere $3600 for tenting.  I do think we need a full treatment.  Termites are a problem here on the island. They’re a problem anywhere it is warm all year round.  They never have a rest, which means your house never gets a rest, and they go forth and multiply, and multiply.  Here’s the problem.  I’m not convinced that the guy didn’t drop those wings on the bay window.  I had just dusted the day before, if not only that morning, and I find that bug stuff shows up in the corners not in the center of a large area as they did here.  Whether or not I’m right, I’m not comfortable with this company.  I will have to call another one even if I’m going to have the house tented.
    When he left, I showered. I was expecting Shivani and Sidney around 3:30. I had just stepped out of the shower when I heard her call from the driveway. I threw a towel around me. She hadn’t texted to tell me she was in because she had left her phone in the Lyft car she took to the airport.  Shivani brought in the suitcase. First things first, she blew bubbles for Sidney. He’s as obsessed with bubbles as Elsa is with balls.
    Before we had dinner,  we went to check out a few beaches that I thought might be suitable for Sidney. We went to Otech and Pines Trees. Otech, so-called because there is a facility down the end of the road where they tried to develop an energy source from the bottom of the ocean the same way you use geothermal energy from deep in the ground.
    At Otech, Shivani, Sidney, Elsa, and I all got out of the car and walked on the beach. No swimming today. The Otech beach is sandy, but once you’re in the water, it’s mostly rock. There is a large lagoon area where the water is about knee high at its deepest.  Then there’s this other area which Mike and I called the Lava Pool.  I don’t know if anyone else calls it that.  It’s sliced into the lava rock; the waves rush in and rush back out again.  It’s not particularly deep either, even at high tide, but it is absolutely delicious. Mike and I always felt that it was like a mountain stream. We found out that freshwater did enter the pool.  Someone showed me exactly where it comes in. It’s very refreshing. However, I can no longer swim there because I am so buoyant that I can’t control my body. The water rushes in; I am pushed to shore. The water rushes out; I’m pulled out to the sea. And, I’m banged against the rocks on the way in and out.  Maybe if I put on weights. The buoyancy problem comes with my age and sex.  All my internal female parts have shrunk, leaving me more a hot air balloon than I was when I was young.
    Our next stop was the Pine Trees Beach.  This is the first time I’ve been there since they built the new road.  I thought the road was going to go directly to the area where the public restrooms are, but no. We still had to drive down this one-lane road along the shore, which is lined with parked cars. The beach offers camping and surfing.  There is this small lagoon area where the kids splash around.
    Shivani wanted to stop off to do some shopping.  Matsuyama’s, our local bodega, came to mind.  There is one up the hill above our house, and I was thinking of going there. As we came out of the Pine Trees road, I saw the branch of this store which his right on the main highway. Duh! Sidney,  Elsa, and I sat in the car while Shivani went in to shop. Sid and I sang The Wheels of the Bus Go Round and Round. I only knew one verse, but that didn’t seem to bother Sidney- or Elsa.
    Once home, I moved my car into Mike’s old spot so Shivani could park her rental car, where I usually park, which is a more convenient spot. I rinsed off everyone’s feet with the garden hose.  Elsa ran into the spray, chasing it. I hung up the towels I washed earlier in the day.  When I went to the bathroom, I noticed the toilet paper in my bathroom unraveled.  Hmm! I wonder who did that. I’ve never had a problem with Elsa. Sidney is so much fun. I finally sat down to do some work on the blog while Shivani cooked dinner and fed Sidney. She is a calm, considerate mother.  
They were tired and retired.
    I went to watch some TV and cataloged books.  I walked Elsa before going to bed, washed my face, brushed my teeth, and went to bed. Good night, Elsa, Goodnight, Mike.

Wednesday, May 22, 2019

    I  got up, walked Elsa, did my oil rinse, washed my dishes, made my Juice Plus smoothies, gave Elsa her morning pill for her skin condition, and food and water. I haven’t mentioned doing these chores regularly because I don’t do them regularly. I do them every day, but only when so moved.  Probably better for Elsa if I do make it part of my regular routine. Then off to Bikram.
    There were 8 in the class. Of the eight, three were introduced to Bikram by Yvette, who was also there. She introduced me to Bikram in 2005.  Mike and I flew to Colorado for her wedding to Josh. As she was driving us to Loveland, CO from Denver, she said you have to try this yoga.  For my first class, I was wearing overall dungaree shorts and a polo shirt.  They suggested I get a different outfit for my next class since most folks were in two-piece bathing suits.  Remember, this is hot yoga, 105o, and humidity. My outfit wasn’t the best. I did one more class in Colorado at a different studio. When I got back to Columbus, I discovered there was a Bikram studio there.  I was hooked. I even took a year off after I was injured. Silly me. I listened to the doctor that rest would be my best bet.  I’ll never do that again.
     I noticed a change in my breathing.  When I paid attention to it, I discovered it was easier to do it the new way.. Sometimes, I discover that I’m doing it already without thinking about it.
    On my way home from yoga, I dropped off the bucket of greens Yvette had loaded in my car for the transfer station.  I pulled into a spot next to the container and was told that I preempted someone who was already waiting.  I had seen the open place and just pulled in. I pulled out, got back into a wait-spot, and carried the bucket to the dumping area. I was able to get it out of the back of the car and drag it across the tarmac.  The man who had yelled at me carried the bucket over and dumped it.
    When I got home and took the garbage out, picking up all the poopy bags from where I had thrown them on the ground.  I ironed a dress and the sheets that had been washed the other day. I boiled one kettle water for weeds.
    I kept checking my email for word from Mike B as to how Paulist Press responded when he told them about Mike’s book. There was still no word from him. I  didn’t know what it meant. Did the Paulist Press say no, and he is trying another publishing house, or he hasn’t gotten around to calling them yet? I’ll just have to wait. After  2 weeks, I’ll call him.
    I downloaded the common core standards for math grades 1-5 to make sure that my tutoring student, who missed a lot of school, will have everything covered.
    I worked on the blog before I walked Elsa.  I ate dinner, watched TV, and cataloged books.
    I walked Elsa before going to bed, washed my face, brushed my teeth, and went to bed. Good night, Elsa, Goodnight, Mike.

Tuesday, May 21, 2019

    I stayed in bed, not ready to jump up and greet the day. When I did get up, I walked Elsa. I started applying what I learned yesterday in Bikram. I think of pushing the back of my heels/ankle’s (to distinguish between pushing just the back of the heels) back as I stand and as I walk.  It makes quite a difference. It engages all the muscles of my legs, my glutes, and my abdominals.  All this from just thinking of pushing the back of my heels or ankle back and watching the ripple effect.  If I let it ripple all the way, it becomes a mini backbend. I can feel it up to my midback. When I got home, I  did my oil rinse, washed the dishes, and drank my two cups of water.  I boiled one kettle of water for the weeds. 

    I called NJ Benefits and Pensions because I haven’t heard from them in a while.  Mike had retirement benefits coming from them.  They already told me that I was entitled to get survivor’s benefits, but that was the last I heard.  The woman told me that I hadn’t filled out some application yet. Really? That doesn’t sound like me.  I’m usually, paper in-paper out.  I asked her to send me another copy. 

    I went to Bikram.  I started the class on my back because the traction felt good. I could feel the whole surface of my back, making contact with the floor when I lay there with my legs bent. This is new; it means my curvature is straightening out a bit. I observed how the opening breathing exercise affected my body while lying on the floor instead of standing up to do it. After completing the first asana, I stood up to do the rest of the class as I regularly do it.

    I went home directly after class.  I was up for doing some gardening.  The yard hasn’t been trimmed since the end of January.  We have gardeners who work on most of the property, B weed whacks the lower ¼ to 1/3 of the property, and I do the open back lanai off our bedroom and bathroom.  I trimmed the bougainvillea that were badly overgrown.  8-foot stalks were coming out of the bush. I worked on that until I had filled the bucket with greens. 

    I also did three kettles worth of boiling water for my weeds in the front of the yard. I tried to pull out a large weed growing in the middle of one of my other plantings. I wasn’t strong enough to get it out. I will have to cut it and treat it with Clorox to kill it. I paint the cut stem with Clorox.  It does the job without spreading too much toxicity around.

    I printed a copy of the math standards for Hawaii for my student. Because she has missed so much school, I want to cover the full curriculum to figure out what she doesn’t know, and I need to cover.  I have already found that she missed the lessons on place value and has trouble with subtraction with regrouping.  She learns what she is taught quickly, but there’s a lot she’s missed. 

    From the stories she tells, I gather her parents are loving people, but not very responsible since they didn’t send her to school regularly. Whatever they did or are, they have one amazing daughter. I don’t know many parents that have a child as put together as this one. She is kind, thoughtful, persevering, bright, diligent, friendly, responsible, unassuming, etc.  I could go on with an even longer list.

    I worked on the blog.  I was so tired, I couldn’t concentrate on what I was doing. I went down for a nap. I set the alarm for 2:45 because I was expecting my tutoring student at 3. I woke up an hour later. Yvette came up and helped me set up the Square so I could send out an invoice to my healing client, so I could be paid.  I doubt I will remember all the steps.  If I use it often enough, I will, but it will take some time. The student’s aunt texted me to says she couldn’t make it today because she couldn’t find a ride for her. I needed the rest anyway.

    I ironed the sheets which Yvette had used for her friend when she visited.  Those sheets are at their end.  I see little holes in the bottom sheet.  I think it’s time to buy a new set.  Mike and I used to have a queen-sized bed, but we switched to a king and then a California King. Mike moved around when he slept, and there were occasions where he’d elbow me in the middle of the night. The man was a klutz.  Even with the California King, I’d be slapped across the face as he adjusted a pillow, and I only used ¼ of the bed.  

    I did more work on the blog. It is a lot of work, but I think it is beneficial to me because it keeps me focused on my daily life, the here and now.  I am planning to take a break for a couple of days and work on Mike’s book and editing the early entries into the blog, those from January when Mike first got so sick.  We’ll see if it works for me. 

    Yvette came up looking for her car key. She was going out for dinner. She took the trash barrel full of the bougainvillea clippings out to my car and put it in the trunk.  I’m planning to drop it off at the transfer station tomorrow.  Once I have an empty container, I can do more work.

    I walked Elsa feeling so tired.  I felt best when I walked with my head hanging, and my eyes focused on the macadam close to my feet.  What is this about?  It seems like every other day I suffer from this tiredness. It was good the student canceled. It also gives me more time to work on organizing the math I want to teach her.

    When I came home, I did some more work on the blog.  I do reread each entry and make modifications if something doesn’t sound right to me.  I enjoy the craft of writing, which is one of the benefits of writing the blog as well as keeping my focus on the immediate;

    I tried to take a short nap before dinner, but I couldn’t fall asleep.  I got up and walked Elsa. When I got home, I ate dinner, watched some TV and cataloged more books.  

    I walked Elsa again, washed my face, brushed my teeth, and went to bed. Good night, Elsa, Goodnight, Mike.

Monday, May 20, 2019

    I woke up before 6am but stayed in bed until the alarm went off.  I walked Elsa, put a  bill in the mailbox, and discovered mail leftover from Saturday that I hadn't picked up.  When I got home, I did my oil rinse, washed the dishes,  made two-days of Juice Plus smoothies, and drank my two cups of water. 

    Today during Bikram. I did something different. I stayed on my back while doing the spine strengthening series, including cobra, half-lotus, full lotus, and bow.  I pressed the back of my heels/ankles into the ground and discovered that it activated my glutes.  It wasn't the asana's objective, but it helped me to experience how my left and right legs are different strengths. It gave me a good idea for an exercise to strengthen my left leg.

    I did a rinse shower at the studio because I had 6 stops to make before I went home.  I started with Target.  I picked up poop bags, Hersey's Milk Chocolate bars with whole almonds for 89cents, and checked the types and prices of toaster ovens. Then I went to Memory Lane to drop off magazines and some clothes and pick up a tax receipt. My next stop was Long's Drugs to make use of the store coupons to buy more lens cleaners wipes and look for a night cream to use.  I haven't been using any moisturizer on my face.  It seems like something I should consider   I stopped off at the bank to cash a check, and Safeway to pick up a multigrain baguette, a package of prepared salad, soup, and a California roll.  Their Hersey's were too expensive.  My last stop was at the vet to pick up food for the Elsa dog. 

    At home, I unload the car.  I put the perishables in frig along with melted Hersey bars.  I washed the Bikram stuff for Yvette, Scott, and me.  Yvette came up to wash the guest room sheets.  I had just started a wash; I told her I would do them. 

    I washed the hallway floor, checked my email to see if Mike B. had gotten back to me yet about Paulist Press's response to publishing Mike's book. I called the chiropractor's office to find out when my appointment was. I was confused about the date. I changed it to the late afternoon, thinking it was the day that Shivani, my niece was leaving, and then had to call back again and changed it back to the original time when I realized it was the day she was arriving.

    My student came for her appointment.  We sat side by side on the sofa, and she read a fantastic amount of the Diary of a Wimpy Kid, evaluated as 5th grade.  I had picked up a few books from the used bookstore to give her. She said the first day she read it, she read only a few pages.  By the third day, she was reading 10 pages at a time. She was very excited. She finally realizes her progress.  She is happy about it, excited about her progress.

    I did some work on the blog after she left, and took Elsa for her before dinner walk. 

When we got home, I worked on Mike's book. I compare the hard copy with the electronic one Mike B sent me.  I reread the introduction and most of chapter 1. The introduction made sense to me. I had more trouble with chapter 1. I found it had too much information and was repetitive. I hope all these details will have meaning for someone more familiar with the subject. The basic idea is that being a deacon is more than a function or ritual; a deacon has to be representative of Christ. I think the purpose of Mike's book is to explain what that means.   

    Dinner was a large salad, as usual, 3 small pieces of the multigrain baguette buttered, and half a container of beans soup with my limeade.  I watched TV watching the end of No Offense. 

    I walked Elsa before going to bed, washed my face, brushed my teeth, and went to bed. Good night, Elsa, Goodnight, Mike.

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Musings:

   The concept of self and the concept of self- sacrifice for others is indeed tricky. Some invest in caring 'more about others than self.' I think what makes it tricky is acknowledging our own capacity for doing harm to others.  We like to believe that if we mean well, we do well. Hmmm! Maybe not so much.  We have to deal with the reality that we do harm even if we don't mean harm. Not to mention the nonconscious intents that sneak in and affect our behavior.

     Some prefer to think that man's natural state, or at least their natural state, is compassion and love. While I believe that any human being is happier, in the sense of more peaceful, if they love and are loved, I think our nature is neutral and can go either way and does on a fairly regular basis.  I have heard that Oxytocin is emitted when we feel a strong connection or a strong opposition. Fighting with our tribe against the other tribe is just as much as high as feeling deeply and lovingly connected to our tribe. Which is easier to achieve?  Sadly I think it is probably easier to join with others to fight an outside force than to get our joy in bonding with our own. No adrenalin is involved in the latter. It's peaceful, if not downright boring. It just is. No brilliant colors, no loud sounds, no sacrifice of life for our own. One of the things I like about Catholicism,  it reminds us that we are capable of evil, and if not evil at least sin. I think many people think that means we should examine our intent.  But I think we should examine our effect regardless of our conscious intent.  

    But that opens another box.  Sometimes, the best thing we can do for someone is hurt them. If we confront people about their self-destructive behavior, causing them to feel controlled and/or ashamed, is that good or bad?  In the meditation discipline, I am familiar with, the guru tells a story.  He observed his teacher yell at a student.  When the teacher walked away, he laughed because he wasn't really angry; he was just using a display of anger to motivate the student.  Making someone's discomfort may be the best thing for them. I have been badly hurt and found it ultimately beneficial.  Am I going to pursue a relationship with that person? Maybe not so much.

    There are no easy answers.  I heard one rule of thumb, I believe through NLP, which said you should always come up with three possibilities.  I am not going to resolve this in three paragraphs, three chapters, or even three books. We all have to live with uncertainty and have to pray that our actions will have the best outcome possible in each situation.  But, we always have to be aware they may not.    

   

Sunday, May 19, 2019`

    I set the alarm for  8 pm.  I guess I had decided the night before that I would be going to church and not to Bikram.  I walked around the block instead of just up and down our street. I took a brown paper bag with me to pick up garbage. I saw nothing major, not even much minor trash until I came across a broken plastic flower pot.  The brown paper bag went to good use.  Further down the street, I spotted what I thought was a small piece of paper. Fooled. It was dried wild turkey poop.   I washed my hands very well when I got home.

    I am working on changing my breathing. While I revert to my old breathing pattern, extending my abdomen when I don't pay attention, it takes less effort now to restart the new breathing pattern, contracting my abdominal muscles in upon the inhale. I was surprised by how easy it was to restart it when it had taken effort when I first started working on the change.

    I boiled two kettles of water for the weeds, hurried to get showered, do MELT, and use the Tiger Tail to get ready for Paulette's pick up around 9:30.  I heard her honk the horn and then her voice calling.  Oh, well. Usually, I'm out front waiting, so she's not required to pull into the driveway.

    We got to church early as usual. I did a count of the available seats in the church. It's closer to 60, tops, rather than 75, as I said earlier.  Holy Rosary is a small, wooden church.  The person sitting in front of me was speculating when it was built. There are several small churches like this dotted across the island.  At least three of them are decorated by a local Michelangelo, well, close but no cigar. They're still fun to visit.  

    Fr Lio is just in the middle of repainting the Holy Rosary church.  Apparently, it is part of the termite defense. The beasts get sealed in.  Does that actually work? By today, the ceiling was painted a sky blue, and the walls were painted a pinkish white. I heard there is a possibility that they will be asking a local artist to decorate the church. 

    The Mass was short today because there must have been no more than 25 people. I'm getting to know all the parishioners, which makes me feel more connected.  While Paulette was doing her visiting after Mass was over, I worked on reading the words to the traditional songs of the Mass that have been translated into Hawaiian.  I can read them and pronounce them correctly – given the time because Hawaiian is a phonetic language, but the songs go too fast for me to keep up.  I will now use the time when I get to church early to work on saying it slowly, slowly, until I can read it at the required speed for the song.

    Back to the subject of sacrifice as an act of love.  One of my readers wrote to assure me that I did sacrifice for Mike and, therefore, had agape love.  I deeply loved, and still love, Mike, but what I am struggling with here is what act of sacrifice can be defined as agape love.  Was my sitting by his side for the five weeks a true sacrifice, or was my allowing him to die freeing me from having to sit with him but leaving me on my own to reinvent myself a sacrifice? Both? Neither? It is the subject of sacrifice as an act of love that bugs me. I have no question that I loved Mike for Mike's sake and did the best I could for him. 

    If you're wondering why it is an issue for me, my mother always accused me of being selfish because I never thought of her.  My mother was nuts. I thought of her nonstop. When I couldn't think what she thought, know what she knew, and do what she wanted without her telling me, that was evidence of my selfishness. That's what she required.  She was jealous of the attention I gave to any other human being.  If she had been a life partner, her behavior would have been defined as abusive.   She was damaged goods, but she also loved her children passionately. She was able to be happy for us when things work out well, even when she didn't approve of the actions we took. 

    In addition to a somewhat confused and confusing mother, and I had a father that used me for a sounding board for questions like "What is truth? What is beauty? What is love?" So I'm stuck having to deal with these questions.  I don't really mind.  I find it very interesting. 

    I am struggling to find a definition of agape love that is more realistic.  The Christian model is physical death, physical discomfort, "Jesus gave his life," is too limited. I am arguing for a definition of sacrifice of self that involves a change in our concept of ourselves or our expectations -voluntarily.  On the other hand, I have an example in my life of someone who uses shift in self as a way of escaping self, which winds up damaging those near and dear. It isn't change alone. It is the intent behind the change and the voluntary nature of it.

    Does parenthood qualify? Well, in this day and age, most children are born because they are wanted. People can choose not to have children. I can imagine that people feel that they have lost their lives for the sake of their children, but is that voluntary. Let's see.  How would these parents feel if they didn't care for their children? Jesus's sacrifice was voluntary.  He could have gotten out of town before the posse came after him.  He had a choice.  He did this for others.  He didn't have to.  No one would have known the difference.  If you neglect your children, you can be arrested besides having trouble looking yourself in the mirror and seeing a good person looking back at you. Sometimes circumstances eliminate choice. Choices we have already made force our hand; the subsequent decisions involve choosing between two bad options, suffer by doing or suffer by not doing. 

    David Brooks, love this man, has written a book called, "The Second Mountain." The book is on order, but I haven't read it yet. He talks about the quest for a moral life. Can't imagine living otherwise. I'd like to say that living that way runs in my family, but I've seen evidence to the contrary. Who are these people? Now that doesn't mean that some of these folks don't judge me as not living a moral life. They see me a selfish. I suspect it is because I ask for what I want and say what is on my mind, but I don't know for sure.  All I get is snarls and character assassinations.  It doesn't give me much to work with. 

    I think Brooks's first mountain is when someone thinks that their well-being is always in conflict with someone else's. The second mountain is when someone thinks that their well-being is interlinked with everyone else's. The more people and animals and plants that experience well-being the more enhanced my well-being will be.  While my well-being is dependent on your well-being, that definitely does not mean that I don't have to guard my own well-being.  If my focus is only on the well-being of others, then my well-being will suffer.  If mine suffers, so will theirs.  I think the narrow path is the way between what I owe myself and what I owe others. Tricky, tricky. Good luck to one and all.  

    I love this topic. I think it is exciting and essential. It's an issue for all of us. Are we good people or bad people? Do we do good things or bad things?  I have heard that even serial killers will say that they are basically good people who have done bad things. Thinking of ourselves in favorable terms is important.  If I write everything I want to write on this subject for this entry, it'll probably come to several chapters. I'll continue the discussion as it moves me in future entries.     

    I sat down to work on the blog and boiled a kettle of water for my weeds. B got Mike's car and took his grandkids back home to Hilo. Sariah was feeling sick, she had double vision and nausea.   She thought it was food poisoning from the Thai food but neither Yvette nor I got sick. B said that she had eaten a whole container of strawberries on her own. Possibly, she didn't wash them, and they made her sick. 

    I've been noticing that Elsa sits by me at all times. If I'm sitting in my typing chair, a firm armchair, she sits under the coffee table in front of the sofa or spread out on the tile in the nearby hallway.  If I lie down on the sofa, she is on the floor right near me or on top of me. 

    I walked Elsa and came home and did more work on the blog. I had dinner, watched TV and cataloged some books.   I walked Elsa again, washed my face, brushed my teeth, and went to bed. Good night, Elsa, Goodnight, Mike.

Saturday, May 18, 2019

    I hadn’t set the alarm clock since on Saturdays, the Bikram class starts at 8:30 am instead of 7:30 am as it does Monday through Friday.  I woke up at 5:30, went to the bathroom, went back to bed, and work up at 8 am.  I could have made it to the class if I hadn’t had to walk the dog, do my oil rinse,  wash my dishes, and drink my two cups of water in the 15 minutes before I would have to leave.  I decided to pass and just stay at home.

    When I got up, I was still too tired to walk the dog.  This is a low point, but I don’t know what is causing it. It could be physical tiredness or grief.  Either can cause exhaustion. Yesterday, Sandor and I set up the blog site, and I started reading the entries from January when the sickness that eventually killed Mike started.  There was so much hope in the beginning. 

    I had woken up in the middle of the night and thought, “What name did we give the blog?” It was supposed to be “With Mike; without Mike.”  I thought I remembered telling Sandor the name as, “Before Mike; After Mike.”  If we had named it the latter, that would never work.  Before Mike was 45 years ago.  

    I let Elsa out the back door so she could do her business. Then I drank a quick swallow of water, did my oil rinse, washed the dishes, and made my Juice Plus smoothie for the next two days.  I started the boiled water weeding processes.  I did two kettles right away. I had one of my readers ask how do I use the boiling water with the weeds.  I boil a kettle of water, take it outside, and pour it on the weeds, killing them. Works like a charm and is not toxic.

    I worked on the blog and got out last Sunday’s blog.  I set out cleaning my kitchen floor. Because I had found some spots on my white tile with ground-in dirt, I made a paste of baking Soda and vinegar and applied it. That mix cleans everything.  I read about using it for cleaning stovetops. It does a remarkable job. I had to clean up the paste I put down the night before. I scraped up a lot of it, dumped water on the spots, and vacuumed it up with my Rainbow vacuum cleaner. The spots did look better. This paste works! I originally learned about it as a recommendation for cleaning stovetops.  When we were living in Ohio, I also had white tile floors. I never found a successful solution then.  

    When Sandor was here yesterday, and he saw my vacuum, he said, “Oh, a Rainbow vacuum cleaner. They’re the best.” I had hoped that I might get the same action out of any wet/dry vacuum if/when my Rainbow gives out. Guess not. There is no way I would wash a floor anymore without vacuuming up the water.  If you let it sit there, you wind up with muddy water well distributed all over your floor. If I use my Rainbow, I apply water and vacuum it up and repeat until the water in the vacuum’s collection tank comes out clean. My grout stays white that way. 

    I had plans to go to the ballet that night with Yvette and Sariah. I decided to nap so I could stay awake.  Judy called while I was napping.  She said that she was feeling better than yesterday.  She was so lousy yesterday that she didn’t answer my phone call. It does seem that her negative reactions get stronger with each chemotherapy treatment.  I went back to sleep. I had set the alarm for 3pm so I could get up and walk Elsa, clear the car so someone could sit in the back, take my shower and get dressed.

    As I lay on the sofa napping, I knew Elsa was nearby, most likely lying down on the floor next to me since she wasn’t on my belly. I think I must have a map in my mind noting where the furniture is and all the living things in the house, which is only Elsa now. I must still have Mike in my map. He may not be in the same room I am at any particular moment, but he could be in another place, sleeping in the bedroom or working in his library. I am comparing loved ones to comfortable furniture; they are comfortable furniture but with benefits.  Elsa offers some, but Mike offered many, many, many more. 

    When I take a shower in our universal access shower, Elsa sits and looks up at me. She wants me to throw a ball that she has dropped at the edge of the shower or actually rolled into it. Mike would sometimes come into the bathroom as I showered.  He looked at me, too.  There was so much love and delight in his eyes.  Elsa isn’t a very good replacement.

    Sariah, who was going to the ballet with Yvette and me, came up at 3. She walked Elsa while I cleaned out the car so she could sit in the back.  I finally took some junk out of it that had been in there for at least a year.  I counted the magazines I had in the back of the car to give to Memory Lane, the charity store for our local hospice. I keep a record of my donations for tax purposes. 

    I bought seats at the back of the auditorium for the ballet. Initially, I did it because the seats at the very back allow you to stand up and see over people’s heads.  For this performance, I bought seats a couple of rows from the back.  I thought Sariah might do better with an aisle seat. One tall man was sitting a few seats ahead of us. Before the performance started, he had several bouquets of flowers wrapped in plastic he was holding over his head.  Really? Fortunately, he distributed them to various people sitting with him. It was fun to see how many families had bought bouquets for their children of all ages who were in the performance.

    The West Hawaii Dance Company does an incredible job.  True, it’s more dance theatre than ballet in the tradition of American Ballet Theater in NYC, but I actually prefer this.  The pyrotechnics are limited, but some of the performances are delightful, and the choreography is impressive.  Since it is a local dance studio for children of all ages and adults, you have a wide range of skills.  The three-year-olds steal the show.  I dare any professional dancer to go up against a gaggle of them.  One year, I persuaded Damon and Mike to see one of their performances..  Mike had no tolerance for amateur work, and Damon is a professional in the movie industry.  They were both surprised by how good the work was.  Besides the three-year-olds, some adolescents have been trained at this studio who have already been accepted for summer sessions with major dance companies. 

    In this performance of Coppelia, there was one piece where they combined students who danced on point, those of the same age who hadn’t achieved that skill yet, and younger children who could follow choreography, unlike the three-year-olds and made it work.

    Several parents knew that I ran into whose children were in the performance, a three-year-old, a five-year-old, an 11-year-old, a 13-year-old and a 15year old, who will pursue a professional career. I love the way the 15-year-old dances. I can pick her out of a group every time. She doesn’t have many solos yet because those are given to the older children, especially the high school seniors. 

    After the performance, we went over to the food court in Waimea. I had a craving for a hamburger, and there is a highly rated shop there.  Sariah said she didn’t like burgers, so we checked out the other options before I ordered our hamburgers.  Yvette and Sariah found a Thai take out place.  The food looked good to me, so I ordered it there.  I thought it was delicious. Sariah said it was too salty for her.  I guess it was a bit salty, but I do love my salt. As Yvette drove us home, I felt truly content. 

    When I got home, I watched No Offense and cataloged over 20 books.   I walked Elsa again, washed my face, brushed my teeth, and went to bed. Good night, Elsa, Goodnight, Mike.

Friday, May 17, 2019

    I got up, walked Elsa, did my morning routine, and went to Bikram. One of my readers asked, "What is Bikram?" The short answer is its hot yoga, a 90-minute class at 1050. Here in Hawaii, there's no humidity added; the ocean breezes provide it. When I was in Ohio, there was a professional level humidifier in the room. The teacher recites a dialogue, monologue more like it, that is the same every day.  The class is the same every day, the same words, the same asanas, the same duration for each posture, same, same, same.  I absolutely love it. I can take care of myself.  I can concentrate on making modifications to my body instead of wrestling with a new set of directions. I can lie down in the hot room and sleep for the whole class except for the breathing at the beginning and end of the class. 

     JJ said my spine was straight through most of the class. I was only somewhat askew at the end. I talked to him about my frustration with physical therapists or yoga teachers, who give exercises but don't tell what the exercise is supposed to accomplish. JJ does a great job explaining to us what the exercise's objective is and what muscles we should be concentrating on in an asana.  When JJ  told the class that in the arm position of the eagle pose,  you are meant to squeeze your arms together so tightly that you cut the blood off.  When you release the grip, there should be white spots on your arms from where you are pressed together.  That piece of direction made all the difference.

    I worked with a fantastic physical therapist in Cleveland, who I saw only once. He made one adjustment on me, and that was a game-changer.  He also gave me several exercises but never told me what these exercises were supposed to do for me.  As my body changes, I learn what the effect would have been.  If I had been told in the first place, it might have saved a year of work.

    I went to Long's Drugs to utilize the 40% off coupon to buy a battery-powered micro razor, which I use to cut back my long eyebrow hairs.  Eyebrows grow longer when you get older, particularly on men.  Mine have been long since I was a child.  I had long eyelashes, long hair on my legs, and long eyebrows.  My mother criticized me, telling me I had to 'train' my eyebrows, so the hairs didn't wander all over the place. No. They should have been cut even back then. I learned those eyebrow hairs could be cut in 1996 when I heard some teachers talk about another teacher who had really messy eyebrows. 

    Long's also had Hersey's Milk Chocolate with whole almonds regular size on sale for 89 cents. That's the price I usually find at Target.  Yeah!

    B called to see if he could borrow Mike's car around 2 pm. to pick up his grandkids from Hilo. I called Adam, who was Ubering. He said he was planning to be home by that time anyway. Great!  I checked on the gas situation.  He said he would stop off and get it filled.  I called B and told him that he could have the car. That is one busy car.  Yvette is going to need it for a few days while her car gets serviced.

    I was going to go to Memory Lane to drop off some magazines and clothing for charity. I decided I had too much to do today and would get tired.  I went home.

    I showered, did MELT, and used the Tiger Tail.  I have gotten to the point that doing MELT on my feet is a regular event. However, I don't use it for my hands at all- at all. I should because my hands are getting worn down by all the typing I do and the FreeCell I play. MELT is good for repairing repetitive action injuries.

    I washed the kitchen floor and put all the Bikram stuff for Yvette, Scott, and me in the washing machine.

     Sandor came at 1:30 instead of 11:30. He runs on Hispanic time.  He texted me that he was leaving his office just at the point where I had picked up my phone to call him to find out his plans.   When he got here, he set up the blog and told me how he and Meaali'inani, his wife, met.  He downloaded the zip file Mike B sent with Mike's book on it. But we couldn't open the files.  Sandor called someone he knows who is a tech expert to see if we could get help with downloading those book files.

    When he left, I went to visit my friend Melissa who lives just up the mountain from me.  We had a great talk sharing our ideas.   She has had a busy life. 

    I went home to work on the blog, Saturday's for editing and posting on the email, notes for the 19th, and some editing of the early January entries for the official blog.  People who started getting the blog late in February can read the saga from scratch.

     I did some work on the blog and walked Elsa. Dinner tonight consisted of salad and three small slices of the multi-grain buttered baguette. I opted for eggs tonight. On Easter Sunday, Adam brought over 3 eggs from his hens. The eggs were three different sizes and three different colors.  The smallest one was white, the middle-sized one was a wonderful bluish-green, and the largest was a conventional brown.  One of the eggs had two yokes.  I fried them.  

    Elijah, Sariah, and B knocked while I was watching TV.  They had just gotten arrived from Hilo. I was too tired to be social.  I worked on the blog to get Saturday's out.

    Once Elsa was walked, I was in bed by 10 pm. Good night, Elsa, Goodnight, Mike.

Thursday, May 16, 2019

 
    I slept till the alarm went off and stayed in bed a few minutes extra. I walked Elsa. I did my oil rinse, washed my dishes, did 2 kettles of boiling water for my weeds, and made the usual two-day worth of Juice Plus smoothies.  I drank my two cups of water.
    My yoga pants, hemmed board shorts, were still wet.  They hadn't dried overnight.  I just grabbed them with my mat and towel with plans of putting them on when I got there. They were going to get wet in the class anyway, but there they would be warm from the heat in the room.  I left a few minutes after 7. I wanted to go early today for Bikram because JJ said he would adjust my posture while lying on the mat to make sure I'm straight before the class started.
    As I went into the yoga room, I said to JJ, "I'll be ready in a few minutes;" I still had to set up my mat and towel.  I lay down, positioned myself to provide some traction for my back. JJ never said anything to me; I thought he had forgotten.  It made me feel sad, and I found myself thinking of something to say to him after class that wouldn't sound angry or challenging to remind him to adjust me before tomorrow's class hopefully. I  resolved to make the best of the situation myself.  I relaxed the right shoulder, which is pulled too far forward as a rule. Naturally, when I did that, the rest of my body shifted.
    I had a good class.  I was able to participate in almost every asana with the modifications I usually make.  I didn't feel I needed to take it slowly or more conservatively than I often do to let my body adjust to a new reality.   After class,  I said something to JJ to the effect of, "Maybe you can check me tomorrow." He said he had been in twice to check on me, and I was straight. He didn't say anything because he didn't want to bother me.  Hmmm! Little did he know his not saying anything was a bother since it triggered emotions of sadness, anger, and then I struggled to compose something to say that didn't sound petty.
    I drove home immediately after class because I had a telephone session with my therapist.  What was I going to work on? All I felt is this sadness, but that's absolutely appropriate.  We can't change the circumstances.
    When I got home, I did one more kettle of boiling water for weeds and showered. Jean, Mike's first wife,  called. She had sprained her foot and was somewhat hindered.  She was working on clearing her house, inspired by Mike's loss and realizing the implications for John, her husband, or Damon, her son if she doesn't make an effort to clear out some of the stuff she has accumulated over the last 30 plus years.  Jean and John have not had the advantage Mike and I had.  We moved two times in that period, once to Ohio and the second to Hawaii. The second move was really instrumental in getting me to clear our possessions.  I knew we wouldn't have the storage space in our Hawaii house that we had in the Princeton or Ohio houses.  No basement.
    I also called my friend Carol Zimmerman this morning. She just had back surgery yesterday. Scary stuff.  She was doing well. She had been up yesterday already to go to the bathroom. It's remarkable how the medical profession gets us up and moving as quickly as possible.  When I was a kid, staying in the hospital in bed for 10 days was the standard for just about all procedures. My mother was in for 10 days after giving birth to me, and it was a standard delivery. It is so much better for us now.  
    In the session with Shelly, I started with just sitting with and observing my sadness.  I released anything negative about the sorrow and kept anything positive or anything I still needed.  An image of Mike being sad because he abandoned me, came to mind. In my image, he felt guilty that he left me on my own and betrayed his promise that we would both die at the same moment in our late 90s.  He was weeping, overcome with sorrow and guilt.  In the beginning, I just sat still and held the space for his sadness while assuring him that I would be okay.  I had seen Mike cry like this when he was alive when he thought he had betrayed me somehow.  He had an underlying commitment to me and my well-being that overrode any of his neurotic tendency to arrogance.  I had complete trust in that commitment.
    He started clinging to me to forgive him and comfort him.  I found myself backing away, shaking my arms to get him off. Then I became angry that he had abandoned me. As I stayed calm with his sorrow at first, he now stayed calm with my anger.  I could feel he sometimes wanted to approach me to comfort me, but backed off and just sat calmly with my anger.  The scene reminded me of something that Mike often said about our relationship: he said it worked because there was always one adult present- and it wasn't the same one. When confronted with his sadness, I was the adult. And then as I got in touch with my anger, he became the adult.  I saw myself being pretty pissy.  He left me; he betrayed me; he broke his promise to me, etc.  While he wanted to sit still with my anger, his penchant for worrying about me overcame him.
    My father, who died when I was 15, came on the scene.  He challenged Mike's habit of worrying about me.  He told him it doesn't help. Moreover, it undermines me.  My dad told him it communicates a belief that I'm not strong enough to manage life on my own.
    Mike found this confusing. He associates worry with love.  My father kept telling him that he should pray for me instead. Mike found this even more confusing. Seriously confusing.    While worry can be a sign of love, it can also be more about a person's self-image: 'if I worry, I'm a loving person. I can tell how much I'm a loving person by how much I worry.' Really? Now, who is the primary concern here, the object of the worry or the self-image of the worrier?   This was really difficult for him. He felt like he was losing his substance, becoming ghost-like. My dad and I held the space for him. Two adults, no waiting.  The session ended with Mike going through this ego-shattering experience.  God, I love him. That he would do this for me, go through this sacrifice of self to help me.  I know he would have done it if he was alive because he had done it. He always wished me the absolute very best.
    The plastic pantry shelving covers I had washed yesterday were finally dry. Once they were in, I set up the pantry again. The shelves still look full even though I had gotten rid of at least half of what was on them, giving several bags of unopened, unexpired products to the church charity and having Judy walk out with two shopping bags full.  There must still be something like 8 varieties of rice.  However, there are only two varieties of pasta left that haven't already gone bad.
    I cleaned the counters thoroughly and finally cleaned the stovetop, which hadn't been done since it was used on Easter Sunday.  Mike and I used to say, "Where's a house guest when you really need one?" Houseguests are motivation to do a proper cleaning.  I sprayed ammonia on the stovetop and raced Elsa and me out of the house for our before dinner walk so we wouldn't be overcome by the fumes.
    I spoke to Judy while I walked.  She was feeling lousy. Only three or four more treatments to go.  But then there is the recovery from the procedures.  She remembers when she was off the treatments because of her cold, and she still felt lousy.  This too will end.
    I walked Elsa and came home to do more work on the blog. I had dinner, watched TV and cataloged some books.   I walked Elsa again, washed my face, brushed my teeth, and went to bed. Good night, Elsa, Goodnight, Mike.

 

Wednesday, May 15, 2019

    As I lay dozing this morning, I had two nightmares. One was of Mike telling me I wasn’t as good a person as he was because I wasn’t ordained.  The second was about his wanting to leave me because he was in love with another woman. 

    I had the first one because I started reading the book he wrote, ICON: A Theology of the Diaconate. He talks about the transformative experience of ordination. It is a significant ceremony. I was there. I had to be. I had to stand up and say I gave my permission for him to be ordained. All the men’s wives had to be there to do that.  Mike never, and I do mean never, made any claims to a higher degree of perfection because he was an ordained deacon.  He wouldn’t have gotten away with it if he had tried.  But, obviously, I have some hidden feelings, probably not so much about his being ordained as worrying about the quality of my own goodness.

    I can believe ordination is a transformative experience for those who are deeply invested in it. What kind of transformation, of course, depends on the person. For some, it’s an elevation of their stature.  But for some, it involves a profound reevaluation of how they relate to others in all their capacities. For Mike, it definitely was the latter. He never, and I do mean never, lorded his position over anyone. If anything, he became a more humble person, more vigilant of his own tendency for arrogance.  

    The idea that a ceremony can be transformative reminds me of something I heard a while ago.  I believe there have been studies made on how a woman changes as she walks down the aisle for her wedding. She assumes the role of the wife. For better and for worse, it is usually the model her mother provided for her.  That’s why I didn’t want to get married.  I was terrified that I would be similarly afflicted. I didn’t want to be anything like my mother, for any number of reasons. 

    The second dream is also easily explained.  It was a dream I had periodically over the last several years when our relationship was, if anything, better than it had ever been.  I would ask Mike periodically if he felt controlled by me.  He would say no. I didn’t feel constrained by him either, and yet we both felt comfortable with what we were getting out of our lives with each other. (Hmm. This sounds familiar. I think I told this story before.  It is still important to me.) 

    While we were both happy with ourselves and each other in the relationship,  this does not mean there wasn’t room for improvement.  There is always room for improvement.  It means we were content with what it was, grateful for what it was, while aware there was more that was possible. Nonetheless, I had these dreams.  When I woke up, I would tell Mike, who would have the only appropriate reaction: he laughed at the idea and gave me a hug.  He knew where this was all coming from. My mother, meaning to be helpful, assured me that no one really liked me, and anyone who told me they did didn’t love me enough to tell me the truth. Besides, I have had a few shockers in my life with people I thought liked me, revealing that they thought I was a monster.  Wow! That knocked my socks off.  

    I lingered in bed.  With dreams like that, you would have thought I would have jumped up and run for it.  I did do a quick walk and made it back only 5 minutes later than usual. I did my oil rinse, washed the dishes, and drank my two cups of water. Off to Bikram.

    I made it through the whole class today.  I do believe I am getting a greater range of motion in my left hip. However, I still can’t reach my left foot easily. With the change in posture, I am changing the alignment of my foot, and that’s creating problems with my left big toe rubbing against the second toe on that foot. Is it possible to have a bunion on your second toe?  I need a spongy thing between the two toes but have difficulty reaching down to put it in.

    As I was leaving the Bikram parking lot, Mike Berstene called.  I had made a 10 am appointment to talk with him today about Mike’s book and then forgot when other parts of the day’s schedule changes. Yikes! I told him I would be home in an hour.

    I stopped off at Target to get new tops for my Bikram outfit, bathing suit tops or athletic bras, and poop bags for Elsa.  I got distracted because there were greenies on sale. When I got out to the parking lot, I realized I didn’t pick up the poop bags.  Oh, well. There’s always tomorrow.

    I went to Costco and bought pretzels, almond milk, they were out last time, so I bought 3 cases, salad and got gas.  I called Mike Berstene while I was on the line to tell him I would be home shortly.  He said he was in a workshop and would call me back when he could.

    When I got home, the first thing I did was take out the garbage. It was trash pickup day. That made it the perfect day to clean out the grain products from the pantry, which I hadn’t done since we had the kitchen installed in 2015. Oh, dear.     

    Many of the grain products, rice, pasta, tempura, panko, etc. had gone bad. Either the containers were penetrated by some critter or the bug eggs that had been embedded in the grain product, matured, and were chomping away.  This mostly happened with matzah.  He had four different varieties, all infested with bugs. I dumped the infected food right into the garbage and took it out to the curb.

    Mike Berstene called back. Wow! Wow! and Wow! Did he ever have good news for me!  Mike B. is the guy who the Josephinum tech guy suggested I get hold of after telling me that he had no access to my Mike’s files.  

            1)    Mike B has access to Mike’s files and has Mike R’s whole book. 

            2)    When I spoke to Mike B about getting an editor, he said I would also need a proxy    author, someone who could accept or reject the editor’s suggestions. When I asked him         if he would fulfill that role, he said yes.  He also said that he knew others who could step             in if it got too much for him. 

                        a)    Mike B is a published author himself, 

                        b)     Mike B is a deacon and was a deacon director. Remember my Mike’s book is                        on the diaconate. 

                        c)    He worked closely with my Mike for the last several years and has a good                               idea of what his thinking on the diaconate might be. 

                        d)    I finally asked him if he could call the Paulist Press for me, It seemed to me                            that he would know what to say. I had nightmares of speaking to someone there                                 trying to tell them who my Mike was and that it would be worthwhile publishing                               his book. Mike B. said he would do that.  

                        4) In a subsequent email, I, wanting to blunt any disappointment Mike B might                             face when he called Paulist Press, I assured him that I would be willing to pay an                                  editor and pay to have it published on Amazon. Mike B wrote back the                                          following:” Michael’s reputation and  the quality of his work are sufficient that                             we should not have to pay anyone to publish or edit the book.” OMG!  I don’t                          believe my Mike had that much confidence in himself.

        After the phone call, I sat down and worked on the blog, mostly making notes for the day.  I took a quick shower when I realized my student was coming shortly because of early dismissal on Wednesdays.  I did MELT, but I had to skip the Tiger Tail.

    I got an email from Raymond James that the Affidavit of Collection was approved by their law department. My lawyer emailed the Trust document today. If I have to have the trust revised, so it is just in my name, it can cost me 2,000 to 3,000 dollars. Hopefully, the Raymond James legal department will approve this, too.

    When I asked the student if she was seeing improvement, she said no.  When I asked her questions like, are you finding it easier to decode long words? Are you finding it easier to read quickly? She answered, yes. Her problem is that she is scared she won’t be able to read the material at the 6t grade level. So her criterion for having improved seems to be that she will no longer feel scared.  I think she has made so much improvement,  I have to wonder how much I have actually taught her.  She either knew a lot, or she is a quick study. She still makes mistakes on words like no, ever, he, or isn’t, but she can read selections on a third-grade level fluently, and her decoding skills are decent. If the school’s initial evaluation of her reading is correct, she made over 2 years of growth in less than a month.  I still have to push her to use context clues.  

    She was exhausted when she arrived but pushed through.  After an hour, I finished reading the end of the chapter for her.  Her grandmother wasn’t there to pick her up.  She sat on one of my sofas and went to sleep. Elsa was lying on a pillow next to her. Thank you, Elsa. 

    I did some work on the blog while she napped. Judy called.  I told her the good news Mike B gave me about my Mike’s book.  She told me that her husband’s doctor thought the symptoms her husband was having were caused by his medication, and they might disappear with adjustment.

    When I walked Elsa, I ran into Jazzy, Adam, Judy’s son,  Leon, Luke, Bones, and Zander. Two adults, two kids, and two dogs.  Jazzy had a promised piece of cake in her hand, which she was delivering to me.  Since I was walking Elsa, she put it into my mailbox.  I picked it up, along with the mail,  when I got home with Elsa.  I did some more work on the blog before I had dinner.

    I had dinner, watched TV and cataloged some books.   I walked Elsa again, washed my face, brushed my teeth, and went to bed. Good night, Elsa, Goodnight, Mike.

Tuesday, May 14, 2019

      I woke to the alarm today at 6 am.  I walked Elsa, did my oil rinse. I had only a few dishes to wash this morning because I had Callender’s chicken pot pie last night.  They provide their own container. I boiled 2 kettles of water for those lucky weeds: my weeds runneth over.

    I came across a picture of Mike sitting on the sofa with Damon working on a NY Times Crossword puzzle. Things like that make me feel very sad. He was so happy and proud of his son. He loved having him visit. I’ll never see him happy again. I loved it when he was happy.

    Lucky reader: here are more of my thought on selfishness. If agape means sacrificing yourself if you’re enjoying taking care of someone and serving them, does that mean it isn’t agape love?  If I actually enjoyed being in the hospital with Mike day after day, if I enjoyed sleeping on those three chairs in the bathroom because I could be near him, does that mean it wasn’t agape love?  If agape, the highest form of love, requires self-sacrifice, I hope no one feels obliged to extend that love to me.  I want people around me who enjoy me and delight in my joy and happiness, not people who think they have to be in a constant state of self-sacrifice to feel worthwhile. Yuck!     

    I went to Bikram.  I worked on the change to my breathing, moving my whole rib cage. My body didn’t want to experience much movement.  Instead of fighting with it, I lay down and didn’t move for the second half of the class.  Actually, I fell asleep again.  I thought the combined work of the chiropractor yesterday and Bikram today was just too much change for me.  I needed to give my body time to adjust.  I didn’t get up at the end of the class.  

    Yvette came in for the 9:30 class to find me still lying on my mat.  I asked her to take the walker out to the lobby because if I left in the middle of the next class, I would create a disruption. Yvette understood my intent and asked JJ if I could stay and sleep.  He said yes. Nonetheless, I felt ready to leave just before the next class began.  I had some trouble standing up, and Yvette had to come over and help me.  That getting up and down stuff remains a challenge.

    When I got home, I showered. At 10:30, I lay down on my love seat sofa converted into the anti-gravity chair, and fell asleep.  I woke up at 10 of 3 and was still tired. I went to the bathroom and went back to my sofa.  But no, I couldn’t fall back asleep. I got up and got to work on the blog.  I’m running behind again, but I don’t care as much as I used to.  It will be what it will be. 

    I walked Elsa.  I wasn’t particularly hungry for dinner. I hadn’t even finished today’s smoothie.  I had a salad and the other half of the chicken pot pie from yesterday,  and one limeade, as usual; that’s my staple.  I watched Silent Witness. There is considerable variation in the storyline.  It’s interesting, but there isn’t much variation in the main character, Sam Ryan. 

    I started to work on what remained of the credit cards instead of cataloging books. I just sorted some papers.  I will have to take a good look and them over the next several days.   I will call one company a day to make sure things get straightened out.  I do know that I haven’t been receiving statements from most of the companies, so at least they canceled the cards. I want to deal with the bonus points.      

     I walked Elsa again, washed my face, brushed my teeth, and went to bed. Good night, Elsa, Goodnight, Mike.