Mike's death; Betty's life...

Thursday, May 21, 2026

Friday, January 19, 2024

I was exhausted at 8 pm. I tried to stay up but made the mistake of lying down. I fell asleep. The rest of the night was that twilight sleep. I was relaxed and in a light sleep. I started some stinking thinking. I didn't get up at 5. I had turned the alarm off. I hit the road for my morning walk at 7 am. This was very late for Elsa and me.

I fed her before we left the house.

I caught up on the wedding. I moved the fallen fronds from the back to the front of the house to reduce the work for Saturday when Steve planned to come with his truck to help me take it all to the transfer station.

I have been doing regular weeding. Darby has been my inspiration and support. I once said that she and Patrick were good gardeners. They mostly live off what they grow. Darby said they were less good gardeners than persistent ones. Wow! I can do that. She said they had to pull out half the plants they put in. It's trial and error before it's success.

I have to do the weeding myself because I fired the gardener after he gave an unsatisfactory answer to why he planted five Ficus trees in a 100' x 20' space with a rock wall behind it, which grow into huge trees with a huge root system that takes out any cement in their path. "I didn't think of it." A Ficus tree grows to 60' with a trunk diameter of 4' to 6' and roots that will take out anything in its way. Planting them in that space is a disaster waiting to happen. The roots will take out not only the supporting rock wall but also the driveway behind it, along with the slab foundation of the shed. These trees are lethal to anything in their way. How can you not consider the consequences of your decision?

I thought to ask Josephine, the Ulu Wini community center social service administrator, if this was a pattern among the Marshallese. The gardener is a Marshallese immigrant. Yes, indeed. They don't think about the consequences of their actions. I feel sad on so many counts. I feel sad for these poor people who had to leave their beloved homeland because of the cavalier use of their environment to test bombs, destroying their land. If they feel sad, they have to lose a social structure where thinking of consequences is unnecessary because every action is prescribed. Everyone knew what to do by the time they were six.

The Marshall Islands consist of 29 atolls and 5 islands for a total of 70.05 square miles. The atolls are occupied. Each island is occupied. The total population as of the 2021 census was 42,418. Each island is its own world. Options are limited. That can be good or bad; it's certainly relaxing. You never have to 'think;' all problems have been resolved. I know these people grieve their loss.

These poor people have moved into an environment where many encounter more people in a single day than they might have in a lifetime on their island or atoll. The unexpected is the norm; thinking is a necessity. I feel bad for rejecting someone on a cultural basis, but I don't care for the consequences of his actions. I can't trust his judgment.

I worked with Adolescent D before going to my Friday session at Ulu Wini. He wanted to continue working on an article on the active versus the passive voice for school. I told him to look for the presence of the verb to be before the active verb. He had no idea what the verb to be consisted of or what it meant to conjugate. I had to go through all that and then explain the passive and active voices. I chose some random sentences from the material I had on hand. Oh, boy, was that ever a mistake.

I should have stuck with the article and their explanation. It would have been much clearer. As usual, the paradigmatic examples don't begin to illustrate the complexity of the language.

I was so confused I wrote to my grammatical resource, my sister, to ask for help understanding the sentences I had randomly selected. Dealing with my confusion was helpful. I have a better appreciation of the resistance of others to using my method for

teaching phonics, which requires teachers to deal with all words, not just the carefully selected 'phonically regular ones. I ended the session with D, telling him I would investigate the issue with my sister and do more research.

I left for Ulu Wini immediately after working with D. There were a few outstanding encounters. I worked with eight children in an hour and a half. Third-grade L got his report card. The teacher saw a remarkable difference. His reading problem cleared up. L told his teacher it was thanks to his tutor, Betty. What he didn't tell her was his problems were resolved after three fifteen to twenty-minute sessions- and some discussions with his mother on her efforts to inhibit his outgoing personality. L is bright as a whip and wonderfully exuberant and appropriately entitled as far as I'm concerned.

L's relationship with his mother reminds me of mine with my mother. She was beside herself with my outgoing personality. "Stop bothering people." "No one wants to talk to you."

She was raised in a world where children knew their place. They were not to have conversations with random adults. She had trouble talking to random adults. She lived in a constant state of terror about just about everything due to the traumas of her life. She was constantly suppressing or criticizing me. It was a nightmare. L's mother would criticize his behavior with me when I had no problem with it. I had to tell her repeatedly to let me deal with his behavior and not to interfere. I had enough confidence in my relationship with her to tell her to teach her son to look for tells when his behavior is not being well received instead of telling him not to explore connections in the first place.

The teacher said there had been a huge change in his schoolwork. His reading problems have mysteriously cleared up, and a radical attitude change exists. He is making an effort to conform to the school's expectations. What made the difference? I explained that understanding what someone says is not the same as agreeing. He started answering reading comprehension questions from the author's point of view instead of his point of view.

Two other students demonstrated remarkable differences. I worked with a total of eight students today. Two little girls stood out: a second grader and a third. Third-grade LA zoomed through 150 words on the Fry sight word list. What!! According to my notes from my last session with her, she had trouble remembering of, the second word on the sight word list. She had been decoding every word. All I did was show her how to recall words automatically. All those words were already encoded in her memory. I just showed her how to retrieve them.

I released her from the severe restrictions of compulsory decoding.

Those opposed to teaching phonics cite examples like this.

Their objections are valid. Automatic processing must be taught to be used with all words once they are securely embedded in long-term memory.

The second student to demonstrate a difference was second-grade T.

She also had problems with automatic recall. Most of the students have problems with this. She struggled with the first 25 words on the Fry Sight Word list. What was remarkable about her was what she did to stimulate recall.

I teach students to 'see' the letters of word in their mind and then 'hear' it. I touch their forehead and say, "What are the letters?" Then, touch their temple on the left side and say, "What is the word?" As T struggled to recall the words, she touched her temple on the left side of her head- and the word came up. Wow! This works even better than I could have imagined.

It was Darby's night for the walk. I asked her to bring over some oranges from her garden. A volunteer had brought oranges for the kids. They were eating them in front of me. I didn't take one because I couldn't eat and teach. But it stimulated a craving. Darby also brought back her bucket to pick up more green waste. She will be taking all my green waste except for the palm fronds, which are huge and reluctant to break down in a compost pile.

Thursday, January 18, 2023

I had my first private session with Doreen, a Gokhale instructor.

She went on in detail, describing the objectives of the lesson. Given it was only 13 minutes at $240 an hour, I didn't want to waste time doing what I didn't need. She said she didn't stick to the time limit.

As I worked, Doreen said, "Don't overthink it." I said, "Please, don't critique my thinking style." I thought I did pretty well. I got good pointers from her. I know therapists can have difficulty with me. Most start out fearing me. I'm bright, articulate, knowledgeable, and outspoken. Most of my psychotherapists couldn't stand working with me. My physical therapists all wind up loving me – so far.

The OT who came to my home after my shoulder and elbow surgery told me while she first thought I would be hard to work with, I wound up being her favorite client. I do well when people work with me; I'm a nightmare for anyone who thinks it's their job to work on me. These private sessions are nothing more than a private YouTube video presentation. At the session's end, Doreen commented positively about working together.

I'm not a controlling person except in one regard: I need to work things out with people. Some people deal with differences with fatalism. 'It is what it is.' I don't. I want to work for the best solution for one and all. Mike saw that in me and appreciated it. From the start, he said he saw me as someone who would take care of herself and be concerned about him, too. He never changed his mind about that.

I have a problem with my solar system. I had thirty-five panels installed in 2017. They wound up being a defective batch. Many broke down over the years one by one. They were all under warranty and were replaced for free by the company. It's been about a year since the last three broke down. I'd been waiting for replacement panels. Out of the thirty-five originals, approximately 10 have been replaced.

I ran into Beth, the administrator at Hawaiian Solar, the company that installed those panels, at church last Sunday. She muttered something about the company only replacing the panels if they stopped producing completely. Did I get an email from them? I envisioned a panel producing 1% of what it was supposed to but not qualifying for replacement. I called Beth on Monday to get a better idea about the terms. She said it was a good deal. They offer to pay 90% of what is spent, and I could spend that money any way I like, or I could stick with them, and they would honor the warranty as best they could.

I wanted out. I was worn out waiting for the next panel to fail. Beth told me Hawaiian Solar no longer installed panels. I called other local solar companies to schedule a sales appointment to see my options. It sounded like a good deal for me to get new, updated panels instead of hanging with this company as panels fail one after another. I am concerned that some will go after the warranty expires.

I showed Adolescent D the memorizing procedure. Make the sounds for each letter or letter combination that makes a sound, say the word, and repeat at least three times. Recall the letters visually, name them, and say the word. Repeat three times. Both exercises require recall, creating new circuits in the brain. For the first time, he said he might do the exercise on his own if I sent him the list of words. Before, he said no to anything I suggested; he wouldn't do anything.

When she picked me up for our evening walk, Darby came with a bucket in hand to collect green waste. She told me how precious green waste is. If she feels that way, I'll give her mine rather than take it to the transfer station. They collect green waste and make it into mulch. She said she would only take bucket-sized quantities. I could think of several reasons; her real reason never occurred to me. Anything bigger is too hard to work with. Okay, I'm game.

I tried to make a video for Josephine showing my approach to cuing students on decoding. I'm reluctant to make these videos because I can't stand the way I look or sound. Damon tells me that everyone feels that way. No one can stand the way they sound. I'm also unclear. When I speak to someone directly, communicating my thoughts is easy. I made the first videos with an audience in mind. That helped me a lot.

I did some housekeeping and weeding today. The sun was out all day, so I did a laundry and hung my clothes on the line. I finally vacuumed the lanai. It's not a big deal. I've been looking at the rug and complaining about the filth in my head. It feels good to get it done. Unfortunately, running the vacuum prompted Elsa to pee on the rug. Can't win it all.

Wednesday, January 17, 2024

I slept in today, getting up at six rather than five. I headed out for my morning walk. It was shorter than usual because I wanted to be home in time for driveway yoga with Yvette. When Elsa and I got home, the gate was closed. Josh was approaching his car to leave for the day. I still had to get my car out of the driveway and onto the street. I asked Josh to open it and close it when he left. Before he could close it, he got a message from Yvette that yoga was canceled. Yvette was feeling ‘rough’ and needed more sleep. I did the Gentle Seated yoga on YouTube.

I did my morning chores, Wordle, New York Times Mini, and Connections. I use hints when needed, particularly for Connections.

I left at 8:30 for my 9 am appointment with the occupational therapist. When I arrived, they told me I had an 8:15 am appointment. I missed it. Damn. I was going to have to pay a penalty fee. But no, I wouldn’t. That rule doesn’t apply to long-term patients who make one mistake. That gave me plenty of time to do other chores in town. I considered going to Kia and dealing with the dented door. Now that JJ, the service manager, and Alex, the booking agent, were gone, I had no one who had even seen the car before I took it.

I decided not to make a big deal of it. I will hand in the loaner car when I pick up my car. I went about other chores. I had my friend’s cement angel (17 lbs.) in the car. It had been her daughter’s. She wanted it shipped to her house in Arizona. I stopped at UPS and then at USPS to learn about shipping possibilities. UPS’s shipping fee would be $186 to ship for 40 lbs. Packing would be just as expensive: $116. On the other hand, USPS would charge $50 for 16. 7 lbs.

I went home, worked, and napped briefly before going to Ulu Wini. I spoke to one of the mothers. Her son insisted on answering reading comprehension questions with the answers he thought would be correct, not what the author had to say. For him, it’s a fierce battle to maintain his integrity.

Adults often use the tag expression, “ Do you understand?” Children don’t always understand what the expression means. When used by adults as above, it means, “Do you understand there will be consequences if you don’t do as I say?” But the child can understand it to mean, “Do you understand (and agree) your room is a mess that needs to be cleaned?” if the kid cleans it, what is he agreeing with?

Josephine, the social services administrator at Ulu Wini, asked me to tell her what I was doing with the children. I thought she wanted to know what I did with each child. No, she wanted to know what methods I used to help them so she and the other workers could use them when working with the children.

I asked Josephine about the Marshallese culture. Most of the children I work with come from those islands, as does the gardener I just fired. Do the people from the Marshall Islands neglect to think through the consequences of their actions. Yes.

The Marshall Islands consist of 29 atolls and 5 islands with a population of 72,000. A small population in confined spaces. By the time someone is 6, they know everything there is to know. They don’t have to think about it. They can rely on tradition.

It makes me so sad to think of their loss. Between 1946 and 1958, the United States government detonated 67 nuclear bombs in and around the Marshall Islands, vaporizing whole islands. They moved here to escape the deadly effects of the bombings. The USA contaminated their water, land, and air. So sad.

I had a session with Adolescent D when I got home. He read the sight words through the 300-350 list. This is a vast improvement. But let’s remember Twin A in fourth grade is doing the same work. She is practicing it and may well do better than D shortly. D does nothing independently. He drives me nuts. However, he is applying the decoding strategies I taught him.

Tuesday, January 16, 2024

I had an appointment with the dentist this morning to start the process of getting a new cap- I thought. In the past, the dentist removed the old cap and ground down the remaining tooth or just ground down the tooth if there wasn’t an old cap to remove. Next, he got an impression of my teeth to send to a facility that made the caps. I was in and out in an hour. Today was different.

The dentist had me there for two hours. He made the new cap himself. I had to cancel an appointment to meet with Josephine, the administrator of Ulu Wini’s community center social support team. I went home afterward and slept for several hours.

I finally got a call from someone at the Kia service center. Troy called. He apologized for not getting back to me sooner. He was over from the Kia center on the other side of the island to manage our Kona site. He had fired JJ, the service manager. Alex quit for a better job. They had tried to repair my car, but it didn’t work. He said he would have it ready for me next week. He would have a loaner car for me by tomorrow. I told him I had a loaner all along. He had been worried about me. He had only heard that JJ had refused me a loaner. He hadn’t heard that I had gone over his head, called someone in the sales department, and secured one.

While I was eating dinner, someone came to my door. Elsa alerted me. A young woman was saying she was here to deliver the car. I told her I had spoken to Troy earlier in the day and didn’t need the car. She sounded confused. I asked her if she was from Kia. No, she was here to return a Turo rental. Ah, next door. Mei and Peter run a Turo business. I called Mei to tell her someone was at her front gate.

Saturday, May 16, 2026

Monday, January 15, 2024

Oh, my word; the stressors are mounting. First, there was the dog attack at 5:45 am last Wednesday. Elsa's bite and subsequent vet visit were only part of the trauma. I was terrified I would be knocked over. I have been told explicitly that my left arm can't afford any additional impact. I've had nightmares of falling ever since.

On Thursday, I found out where the owner of the dogs lived. On Saturday, I dropped a letter in her mailbox informing her that Elsa was bitten. I didn't expect her to pay the vet bill, but I did ask her to take precautions, so her dogs never got away from her again. When I told Judy what I had done, she said, "You know it's a federal offense to leave anything in a mailbox? It's federal property, and only the mailman is allowed to use it." No, I did not. Besides having nightmares about this woman blaming me for her dogs' attack, now I had to worry about her pressing charges against me for putting something in her mailbox. So far, nothing: no reply and no charges.

Then there is my broken Rainbow vacuum cleaner that sucks up water like nobody's business. It's what I need to clean up Elsa's mess when she chooses the lanai rug over the doggy dog to the yard.

Today was the start of the fourth week my car has been in the shop. When I brought it in on December 22, they told me the mechanic qualified to work on it would be away for two weeks for additional training. In week three, I started calling them. I left several voice mails and received no reply. Today, I called the showroom. I got the same woman who secured a loaner for me when the service manager refused me one. She said she would ask and get back to me. It's evening now, and there is no word from her. I hate to think what is going on.

As to the loaner, I picked it up on Friday night. Sunday, I noticed a dent in the driver's side back door. I had forgotten to check for damage before it took the car. I took it to a body shop to get an estimate. I had to assume they would blame me. The body shop repairman estimated a $6,000 repair. The dent was low on the door, hitting a vital support.

Today was a special stressor. I confronted my gardener. A while ago, I started worrying about the Ficus trees he planted in our yard: five in a 100' by 20' space with a rock wall supporting the area and a cement driveway and foundation just behind that. These grow into monster trees, 50 to 60 feet high with large trunks. More importantly, they have monster root systems that destroy rock walls and cement.

When the gardener came today, I asked him why he planted those there. As a gardener, he had to know what the Ficus tree would do. He said he wasn't thinking. I told him that meant I couldn't trust him. He also said Mike had okayed his decision. Mike didn't know the difference between a tree and a shrub. He would have no idea what a Ficus could do. When I heard Ficus, I thought of those potted plants we got on the east coast. Hardly a threat to anyone's foundation. I fired him. Ask me if that wasn't stressful. I've never done anything like that in my life. He may have done me wrong, but he was cheap. Now I have to find another gardener to trim the trees and the bushes. Another decision hangs over my head. Mike made those kinds of decisions. I was scared of making them.

Many years ago, I was the one who picked out and purchased a new dryer on my own. I didn't think much of it at the moment, but on the way home, I had a car accident. Yes, I was driving under five miles an hour. I made a left turn without checking to my right. The body shop tech was surprised the damage wasn't worse when he heard about the accident. It was Mike who recognized it was the first time I had to make a decision like that on my own.

While Mike made decisions with apparent relative ease, it weighed on him. He was playing the role of the strong man. I knew of his vulnerability. I wonder how much of this male burden is the cause of early death among men. The need to be strong and secure eats at the flesh as well as the soul.

Oh, yes. There's one more. I got roped into a thousand dollars worth of posture lessons with a Gokhale teacher. I had a private evaluation with Esther, the founder. That was worth it. I wanted direct contact with her. She also gave me some pointers that already made a difference. The sticker price is not just impressive to be shocking; it is a bitter reminder of how undervalued academic teachers are. This woman is charging $240 an hour. The teachers in Hawaii make less money than the waiters. A friend's daughter is a certified teacher and prefers to wait on tables. She says she earns more money than a teacher and has no homework. If someone is rude or demanding, she calls over the manager, and they throw the people out. If you look online for tutoring jobs, the pay generally runs from $18 to $35. I have a master's degree and enough additional credits for a Ph.D. plus. I have sixty years of experience and an excellent track record of successful outcomes. A massage therapist, a waiter, or someone who gives facials earns as much as four times what a teacher makes per hour. Something is wrong with this picture.

Saturday, January 13, 2024

I weeded the fine grass clumps in the flower bed and trimmed one of the larger bushes. I needed the step ladder to get the high branches. I was prepared to fall into the bush if I lost my balance. I may have been stuck there for a while, but someone would have come along to help me. I treated the broken Ti leaf plant stump that was snapped in two during the windstorm with Super Thrive.

I was ready to deliver my letter to the woman whose dogs attacked Elsa. I ran it past Yvette, who thought it sounded good. I walked it to her mailbox. Her property is enclosed with a chain link fence. I wouldn't have found it easy to get in to talk to her if I wanted to. My fear of her dogs would have been enough to keep me out.

I addressed the envelope "to the woman whose dogs attacked my dog." I added a note on the envelope, "This is not a lawsuit." Her mailbox was a strange one. It looked like a regular rural delivery box, but it had a locked box inside, part of the construction. I didn't know where to place my envelope. I was concerned it would slip behind the box and never be noticed. I took a picture of the inside of the box and the address for the police report.

A man on a small, motorized vehicle pulled up to the fence.

I assume it was her husband. He asked me what I was doing. I told him I was putting a letter in the mailbox and was confused by the design. He assumed the letter had been misdelivered, and I was kind enough to bring it over. I said no, the letter was from me, and got out of there. The event was stressful. I went home and slept for most of the day.

I had repeated nightmares that the woman would accuse me of being the cause of the problem. My dog is a yappy dog who provoked her dogs.

If I'm concerned about her dogs knocking me over, I have no business being in the street. No, I never spoke to the woman. I have no idea what she thought. The proposal that a vicious dog has more right to be on the public road versus me is so preposterous as to be absurd. It still feels lousy to envision someone taking the tack. Mind you, she has said nothing of the sort. It's my mom's accusing voice where everything that goes wrong is my fault. She once said, "If I ever make anyone angry, it's because you did something wrong.."

At twelve, I was molested (not raped) on the subway. I came home and turned to my mother for comfort. She got angry at me. Typical of my mom. She operated on "It's Thursday; it must be Belgium" logic. If she was upset, it must be my fault.

The email for Mama K's crew was undeliverable for the second day. This time, I sent Mama K a screenshot of the return email. I had the wrong address. Some computer glitch had removed the

correct address from my address book and left an invalid one.

Friday, January 12, 2024

For the past two nights, I had nightmares of falling. I cannot afford any more falls. My PT warned me to use my right arm to catch myself if I fall. Apparently, I can do significant damage to the left arm. Because of the metal in my arm, there is no give. I will break all the other bones. This morning, I started problem-solving. 1) I have to practice falling again. When I learned to fall in my dance classes in my twenties, I began falling from a kneeling position. I will start there. I learned to roll my hands onto the floor to break the impact. I will start there again. I'll begin with the hand rolling on a tabletop. 2) I wrote my orthopedic surgeon to get more information about my degree of risk. I want details of what can happen if my left arm gets shocked. I also wanted to know the limits of what I can do. Can I do a military push-up? A plank?

Seeing the harness didn't work with Elsa's injury. It slipped and moved to rub one of the puncture wounds. A collar would work. Before I went to Petco to buy a new one, I asked Yvette if she had one left over from her old dogs. She had one that was perfect. Elsa is back as a full-time walking partner.

The lead character in The Good Karma Hospital, Dr. Lydia Fonseca, tells one of her frustrated doctors that there is something positive about resignation when faced with it from the patients. It's the fatalism of Hinduism. I saw the connection between fatalism and surrender. I hear people talk about the importance of surrender. Our culture is the exact opposite. Surrender and acceptance are not part of our culture. We need more of it. But then people sell the value of surrender indiscriminately. I refer back to the Serenity Pray.

As I typed this, I wondered who wrote the Serenity Prayer. It was a Christian minister and philosopher associated with academia, Niebuhr, who had nothing to do with Alcoholics Anonymous. The founders of AA found the prayer and made it their own.

Thursday, January 11, 2024

I had nightmares of falling. I cannot afford to fall again. Because of all the metal I have in my arm as a result of the shoulder replacement and elbow reconstruction, there is no give. The remaining bones would be very vulnerable.

I drove around the neighborhood at 5:30 am looking for the woman with the two dogs that attacked Elsa. I didn't see her; however, I ran into others who walked at that time. They said they usually saw her, but not that morning. I think the woman realized what had happened and was in shock, too. I asked them to tell the woman her dog had bitten mine if they saw her.

I tried the harness on Elsa. It looked like it wouldn't come in contact with the wounds when I put it on. That proved not to be true; as we walked, it slipped around. I took her home and went out on my own. I ran into Dean, who was looking for me, and Shawn on his morning walk with Coco, his dog. I told them what happened. Both Dean and Shawn knew where the woman who owned the dogs lived. Dean even knew she had lost a dog within the last year and replaced it with a rescue to keep her remaining dog company. He even knew one of them was vicious. Yvette pushed me to communicate with the lady. She wanted me to follow up to make sure she would take action to prevent another incident like this from ever happening again to anyone, no less me and Elsa.

At nine am, I had a Zoom meeting with the 80s Club. It's not particularly helpful for me, at least not yet. Apparently, the information I provided on the useless of my long-term health insurance was helpful.

Mike and I put out $50,000 in premiums over ten years. As far as I can make out. We have a $95,000 deductible; they need two weeks or immediate notice to honor the claim. Then, they send out an insurance investigator to validate the claim. Also, I only have $72,000 in coverage. Let me see: it cost me $15,000 for three weeks of out-of-pocket coverage after I broke my elbow and shoulder.

I heard something about long-term care insurance on the news yesterday. The industry is basically bust. They completely underestimated their ability to service their clients. They figured no one would live as long as people are living now and underestimated the rise in the cost of long-term care. They also calculated that people would drop their insurance along the way. Huh?

One of the participants, a retired professor of nutrition, gave a presentation on the Blue Zone Diet. I knew about it already. The key message is to eat less meat and more beans and have a robust social network. Those are the universals between all the Blue Zone locations. I did learn you're supposed to eat a cup of beans a day. Wow! That's at least one bowl of soup. Tofu products count. I don't like tofu.

I had my appointment with Shelly, my therapist/ life coach, afterward. One of the daunting problems in my life had been resolved, a significant interpersonal relationship that had turned out to be a nightmare. She resolved something in herself, and things improved steadily from there.

I started working on my reluctance to put the information about my teaching methods out there. I see anyone who wants their product known advertises, knocks on doors, sends emails – and daily posts on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Why is it so hard for me to do it? I remember when I would do something that I hoped would please my mother, and she would get angry at me for one reason or another. There was always something wrong with what it did. I learned not to try to please her. Learned helplessness. I appreciate this behavior when I see it in my students. It's easier to take failure because you didn't try in the first place than to fail because your effort wasn't good enough to succeed. Even worse than failure is to be yelled at for your efforts. That's one step worse than failure.

I had a supervisor who did that to me. She literally screamed at me when she saw my work. On one occasion, the problem was she had never seen what I was doing and argued it could never work. It worked with the children she observed me teaching that day. One had fetal alcohol syndrome, and the other was very slow. The second time, she screamed at me, "This is the worst lesson I've ever seen," I had a group of students walk in and tell me what their teacher wanted me to work on. I had no time to prep. I couldn't figure out how to draw an octagon. I asked if one of the students could do it. One student came up to the board and drew it. I believe engaging students this way is much better than having them deal with the know-it-all perfect teacher. I think it's a teacher's job to model how to deal with not knowing answers and intellectual and academic failure. My supervisor did not. Despite knowing full well that she was wrong in both cases, I remain scarred by those events. She retraumized me.

I worked on the old feelings I had from my mother's treatment of me. This is the first time I experienced the spin effect and release, a procedure I often use with my students.

My acupuncturist was at my door moments after I hung up with Shelly. She did more cupping, which is helpful. She noticed that both my hands were purple. Apparently, this is a sign of poor circulation. That's alarming.

Wednesday, January 10, 2024

I was up well before 5; I was wide awake. There was no point in staying in bed. I would be cultivating bad sleep habits. I did my half-hour of sitting yoga following a YouTube video. I use the same one every morning. It's doing wonders for me. I was out for my morning walk at 5:30. I usually wait until first light. At 5:45, Elsa and I were attacked by two dogs. The dogs were after Elsa; my concern was keeping erect while three dogs circled my legs.

I'd seen these dogs before. They wear Christmas light collars so they can be seen in the dark. One is black and the other black and white. They appear as floating lights at a distance. The woman was across the street from me. They were barking wildly at Elsa, and Elsa returned the compliment. I pulled her in tight and tried to get away from the scene while the woman attempted to go in the opposite direction.

The next thing I knew, I heard the dogs barking behind me. Panicked that I would get knocked over, I crouched as close to the ground as possible and yelled, "No, no, no." I wasn't concerned for Elsa, who ran to greet the dogs. Yes, I released the button on her retractable leash. As I've said, my concern was for myself. Dogs often snarl at each other; I didn't expect an attack.

When I realized the woman had regained control of the dogs. I quickly got up, pulled in Elsa's leash, and went home without turning around. I never knew what happened. Did the dogs escape her and run across the street, or did they drag her across with them?

I only saw the blood on the side of her body when I got home. I assumed it was just a surface wound. I washed the area, picked her up, and let her wrap around my neck.

I called Yvette to tell her to tell her what happened once I thought she was up. Later, I called her; I thought to invite her to come up and check on Elsa. I felt she would want to see for herself. She looked and recommended I call the vet for advice.

At that hour of the morning, I got a tech. Yvette recommended I bring her in. She would tell reception to try to get me in. I got a call at 8:30; they had an appointment at 9. "I'll be right there," even though I thought it would be a waste of time.

I got right in shortly after I arrived. A first. I usually have a long wait. I assumed I would see a tech. There was only one doctor on call, and he was booked. I wasn't with Elsa while they treated her. This clinic has a special examination room. I returned to the car to wait.

The doctor came out to the car. He said it was a good thing I brought her on. She had two puncture wounds and bruised ribs. He shaved her around the wounds and prescribed an antibiotic and a painkiller. I was so grateful Yvette had persuaded me to go. My poor baby girl.

Yvette was upset about the incident for Elsa, me, and her dogs. She told me to file a police report. While I had information on the incident, I didn't know where the woman lived.

I made it to Ulu Wini. There were no spectacular changes in students today. It was all the continuous slog, looking for minuscule changes that promise more.

Tuesday, January 9, 2024

Strong wind and pouring rain made the morning walk impossible. I found two spots of Elsa pee on the lanai rug but no poop. Thank you, Elsa.

Although, the pee is actually worse. When I clean up the poop, it's gone. The pee leaves an acrid odor that's impossible to eliminate, especially now that my Rainbow is out of commission.

I called the repair company today to check on the vacuum cleaner.

It's a small local operation that repairs Rainbows along with other vacuums. A little old Filipino lady runs the place. She asked what kind of a vacuum I had. When I told her a Rainbow, she said, 'The part hasn't arrived yet," in an annoyed tone. I asked how she knew this if she didn't know who I was. I got my tag and read the number. The lady took a few minutes and came back to ask me if I was Betty. Yes. "The technician hasn't checked your Rainbow yet."

It turns out that the only technician on the island who can repair Rainbows has been out sick. There is a backlog of twenty vacuum cleaners. Will I ever see my vacuum again?

I had a nine am appointment with my occupational therapist to work on my hand. It feels like there isn't much more she can do for me. I have regained strength in my left hand. It is 80% of what my right hand can do. The OT said I was making good progress. I work hard and recover quickly. I am an unusual complaint patient.

I complained about how I had permanently lost my graceful arm motions. Wendy suggested we work in the mirror so my left arm can learn from my right. This brought tears to my eyes. I loved feeling my arms were graceful. No more. Bent with a limited range of motion with a numb and partially paralyzed hand at the end of it. It was the first time I felt strongly about the accident and its outcome. Otherwise, I've been calm and accepting.

I made two stops before I went home. I figured shops and the post office would be empty. Who would go out in this downpour? We rarely have a full day of light rain. It was strong winds and a downpour, big fat drops pelting us today.

When I stopped at the post office to return the literature of the Bayada agency that provided the PT and OT who did home visits after my accident and surgeries. The line at the post office was surprisingly long and slow. Not as bad as Christmas time, but bad.

Then, I stopped at Costco. I needed to pick up more moisturizing lotion with 30 spf. It was on my way home.

I tried to nap when I came home. I lay on the sofa in the living room rather than the screened-in lanai. Despite a warm blanket, I was chilled. When I got up, I moved my computers into my bedroom. That room can be closed. There are two doors to the outside, one to the inside of the house, and a window. With all those closed, the air is much warmer. You'd be surprised how much body heat can warm up a space.

I was set up to meet with Mama K's crew at three pm.

There was no response. I texted and called. There was no response. I didn't hear from her until my evening walk with Darby. She was out doing chores and had set up the iPad. The kids chose not to respond. Mama K was not happy.

At 4 pm, I met with Adolescent D. He read Fry list 101- 150. The goal is to strengthen his neurological circuits, not remember any particular words. I told him to read the words with a consistent rhythm rather than fast. He did very well on 101-25. He missed three words on the second list. This list is still on a second-grade level. Even if we had only achieved a solid second-grade level in the three and half years to four years we've been working together, it would still be amazing. He was reading at a first-grade level in the spring of eighth grade. When I started working with him. Last spring, he tested on a 5th-grade level. His test result was a measure of his comprehension rather than his word recognition accuracy. He was not required to read out loud for the test.

I videoed D reading the list to show it to his mom. I was concerned she'd see the glass half empty. Is it any wonder D is a downer? The apple hasn't fallen far from the tree.

Judy sent me an email about someone looking for a room to rent.

I talked with Yvette. We will work on this together.

The wind quieted as Darby and I made it around our usual circuit, completing three thousand steps. The wind started picking up again as I turned into my driveway.

Monday, January 8, 2024

I woke up around 1 am, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed after four hours of sleep. But not to worry; I fell asleep quickly once back in bed.

We had strong winds blowing again today. Another plant was knocked down. Last time, it was a thirty-foot palm tree with shallow roots because it had been planted on top of a rock in shallow soil. This time, it was a red tea plant. It can grow about 10 feet high and has large green or red leaves. Mine was about 5 feet tall; the wind snapped the stalk in two, splitting it down the middle. I used my four-inch chainsaw to cut the stalk down below the split.

I bought bone conduction earphones from Shokz. I had to call the company to figure out how to connect it to anything. I saw them on Yvette. The earphones sit on the cheekbones, not in the ears. Sounded great to me. I have tiny ears. It’s hard to find earphones that fit well. I got it connected to my phone. Now, I had to switch it between my iPhone, MacBook computer and Surface Pro tablet.

Sunday, January 7, 2024

I forgot to set my alarm and slept straight through to five-thirty. I am usually wide awake well before my alarm goes off at five am. I got up a few times during the night but fell back asleep quickly. The only disturbing feeling was one I associate with loneliness. That’s a killer.

I have noticed that I’m burning out with the students. Now, in all fairness to me, the work is taxing. I am constantly dealing with people who need help learning something, who I must comfort and protect. It is never an equal relationship. They are never concerned about me, and the work is never relaxing, just two folks hanging out together, happy to be in each other’s company. The work can be energizing and gratifying because I succeed, but it doesn’t address the human need for companionship.

My walking buddies, particularly Darby and Yvette, address some of that need. However, we’re always doing something together. I need parallel play activities. We’re both doing our own thing in the company of the other.

The connection is solid even if we’re not directly engaged. It’s just comfortable. There’s no objective. I had that with Mike.

I became aware of my need for that type of companionship one day when Mike and I were renting an apartment for two weeks at Harvey Cedars on Long Beach Island in New Jersey. He was in one room, and I was in another, but we were on the same floor. I felt content with the arrangement. At home, we had a two-story house with a partly finished basement where he had his office. There could be two stories between us. That didn’t feel good. I love living in the commune even though relationships were far from ideal. What I shared with Mike was my idea of wonderful.

I drove to church this morning instead of hitching a ride with Judy and Paulette. Second grade M’s father asked me to meet with her in the morning. I wanted to be home by eleven. Judy said they were going to make a quick stop at Safeway. Judy never makes quick stops at Safeway.

When I sent the Zoom, there was no response. I texted and was told they were on the road. That was upsetting. I went out of my way for them, and he couldn’t wait until the afternoon to do his chores? I calmed down. I found sitting with the grief is helping. My tolerance for others is building up again.

I called Mama K twice in the morning to ask if her kids were available. She answered on the second call. She was home, and we set up the Zoom. All three of the kids are doing much better. Fifth-grade K can answer most of the questions I ask. He has started making predictions, can defend his position, and is prepared to find out he’s wrong if the author wrote the story differently than what he had in mind.

Twin A is sailing through the sight word lists, completing the first 300 words corresponding to grade three. Considering that she didn’t know all the letters in the alphabet at the end of grade one, this is remarkable progress. I am hopeful she will be an independent reader at grade level three by the end of the summer. That would put one year behind when she enters grade 5.

Twin E, who has been lagging behind, is also moving ahead. We repeatedly reviewed the first one hundred words on the Fry Sight Word List. Earlier this week, she finally read them well enough, with enough accuracy and speed, that I felt comfortable moving on to the next list. We worked on the words 101- 150. We needed to go over the first twenty-five on the list a few times before she did well enough to move on to the next. I videoed her reading the two lists today. She did well on both. The second one she had never read before. She did very well, not perfectly, mind you, just very well. For her, that’s exciting.

I called Mama K after the session. I told her what I was seeing. She told me Twin A had picked up a book on her own and walked around reading it. If she got stuck on a word, she would ask her mom. This is a huge breakthrough.

At three, I had second-grade M, and her father had asked her what book she was interested in reading. She wanted Chocolate Touch, stories based on the Midas touch. I wanted him to tell me before the session so I could download the book on Kindle. Her dad strikes me as being somewhat flaky. While I can be disappointed in his behavior, he never means to be rude or disrespectful. He has expressed great appreciation for what I have done for his children. If he tells me there is a problem, he has seen improvement each time. M’s current problem was her inability to verbally communicate what was going on in her mind. She gives single-word answers to questions. I told her she had the right answer in her head, but she wasn’t communicating it. That boosted her confidence and helped her take risks.

I tried to pair my new Shokz earphones with my computers. Yvette told me it made a huge difference in her Zoom sessions when she used the earphones. She could hear better, and the person on the other end said I sounded clearer. I find myself yelling on Zoom. If these earphones improve the sound quality, I would be thrilled, but I couldn’t figure out how to do it for love nor money. I will call the company for tech support on Monday.

I spoke to second-grade M’s father after my session with her to tell him of her improvement in comprehension. It was more her ability to articulate her thoughts than to know the answer to the question. It quickly became apparent that she had the right thought but didn’t say what she had in her mind so the teacher would know it was there. I wanted to know if her dad was also seeing improvement. He giggled in response to the question; yes, he giggled. “Oh, my God. We are seeing tremendous improvement. She is expressing her thoughts better. We are also seeing a big difference in her vocabulary. She announced she wants to go to Punahou.” This is the high-end private school that Obama attended on Oahu. You got to love it!! This girl is now an ambitious student; before, she stumbled among her family. I felt great after that conversation.

Saturday, January 6, 2024

I got many little tasks done that I’d put off because I was busy and immobile. I pulled some trailing corral from the stretch along the fence. Mei permitted me to pull the plant out on their side of the fence, and I had most of it done. I had to clear it out on my side, too. I also weeded the stretch on the street side of the front fence with boiling water. It didn’t take much. I’ve been good about treating it every week on Thursday. I finally got around to cutting the lox I bought at Costco into chunk sizes appropriate for a bagel topping before I put the package in the freezer and opened the sweet kale salad I bought the other day. I take the salad from the plastic packing and dump it in a terry cloth dish towel in the vegetable drawer. It keeps the greens fresh for a long time. I need to do that because the quantity of salad is too much for one person.

Elsa and I visited with Paulette. Judy came down the stairs holding on to Aya’s leash so she couldn’t run down to Adam’s house, a cup of coffee and a plate with French toast she made the other day in her other hand. Paulette and I were concerned she would fall. Aya is still a puppy, a large puppy, and is perfectly capable of pulling Judy down the stairs. Paulette and I called out in alarm.

When I called Mama K at eight am to set up the Zoom session with her crew, there was no answer. She often does something with the kids and forgets to let me know. I texted her to say I assumed that was the case. Around nine, she texted that she was just waking, and the kids were still asleep. This was very unusual; she called it a New Year’s miracle. She would call me when they were up.

I connected with them when I came back from Judy and Paulette’s. Both girls are doing better: Twin E with recalling words and Twin A with comprehension. I worked with fifth-grade K on the book Hatchet. He can often answer questions. Sometimes, the literary tricks are too subtle, and I tell him what’s going on.

I was supposed to have second-grade M today at three. Her dad canceled at the last minute. We rescheduled for Sunday when I came home from church. I asked him to check what kind of books she likes. I’ve been working on Stuart Little with her. It’s outdated. I think she finds it boring. I don’t blame her. I remember loving the book. But then I’m outdated, too.

Elsa peed on the lanai rug this afternoon. I have no idea why she does this when she can go outside through the doggy door. I can’t even clean it up without my Rainbow vacuum cleaner. I haven’t heard from the repair service company. I will call them on Monday to see what’s going on. I hope they diagnosed the problem already and ordered whatever part was needed.

There was no response to my Zoom invitation to Adolescent D at four. He texted to say he thought he would be home in time. His dad asked him to join him at the beach. Sounded lovely. He apologized. I told him I didn’t mind. He was always considerate and polite. We met at 5:30, right before my evening walk.

We did the usual starting drill: “Give me a word, any word.” Then he decodes it. Yes, he knows what the word is before he starts. Decoding is a procedure. He isn’t figuring the word out; he’s learning the procedure.

He picked a two-syllable word today. He started going through the steps without me cuing him. He identified the vowel letters, the vowel sounds, the syllables, and the syllable patterns. We also started on the sixth sight word list. He did pretty well. I wanted to record him for his mom to hear. I would never have shared it without his permission. He told me he started applying my strategies outside of our sessions. This is a first. He sounds more confident and in charge.

During my evening walk with Elsa, Yvette, and Little, Yvette commented that my hairdresser had given me a Mohawk. I felt the top of my head for the upstanding bristle of hair. That’s what a mohawk was to me. But that is not what Yvette was referring to. She had shaved the side of my head down to the hairline at my neck. I’m a little ole lady with a mohawk. That must be a sight.

Friday, January 5, 2024

I had a haircut today and had plans to go to Ulu Wini to tutor afterward. If I had gone home, I would have had to turn around and head out almost immediately. I was exhausted. Haircuts knock the stuffing out of me. Instead of going home, I drove to the Ole A, the old Kona Airport, pulled into one of the parking spots, set my alarm on my phone, pushed the car back, locked the doors, and went to sleep.

I saw five students in two hours today. If you wonder if this makes a difference, the answer is yes. Each time I work with a student, something happens. As with the rich and the poor, the rich get richer much more quickly than the poor. Some students are so low it’s comparable to jump-starting a stalled car. While the car's speed isn’t great as you roll a few feet, there is a huge difference between being at a dead standstill and even that bit of movement. With many of the students, it’s just that bit of movement. It’s not much, but it gets them off in the right direction.

Darby was floating on air when we walked tonight. Patrick’s CAT scan came back clear - totally clean. Yay!

Thursday, January 4, 2024

I had an occupational therapy appointment this morning. It's slow progress. She told me she could not help me with the nerve damage. The hand exercises would only help increase my range of motion, not the numbness or swelling. I had an appointment with Shelly immediately after my OT appointment. I talked to her while sitting in the parking lot of the rehab facility. I was exhausted after that. I went home and napped.

Later in the afternoon, I tutored at Ulu Wini, a low-income development. One of the employees has her son work with me. He's a bright, energetic child. The school says he has problems with reading.

Reading is not his problem. His problem is impatience and concentration. He races through the activity, happy to rewrite the text to his satisfaction and give whatever he thinks the answer should be without concern for the author's input. I gave him the letter-naming activity. We both saw the same text. He and I took turns saying the letters as quickly as possible. Our turn was over when we made a mistake. It's a game. The objective is to train the eye to see the letters. Concentration can improve with this exercise because the activity's game aspect will carry over. Also, doing this activity trains the mind to process the letters faster. I threw in one lesson on decoding multisyllabic words. At the end of the session, he said, "You know, you could be a teacher." Got to love it.

At the end of two hours, I had worked with six students.

I found the Three Pines videos. TV series based on Louise Penny's detective stories. It is very loosely based on her series. Characters are dropped altogether or radically changed. It was still pretty good. Whatever it was, it was lightyears better than those series with violence and perverse characters.

Tuesday, April 28, 2026

Wednesday, January 3, 2024

Again, the tapping app was off when I woke up at 3. Huh? Did my phone not charge again? No. The battery was at 100%. I wondered why it stopped. Is the app onto my all-night trick? It is that monotonous music that is keeping me from going down negative rabbit holes. God bless that monotonous music.

It was just Yvette, Deb in Seattle, and me for driveway yoga this morning. Yoga is particularly good for stretching my arms over my head as I lie on the ground. Of course, the left arm will never come down to the ground again. The reverse shoulder replacement prevents that. The surprise is how tight my right shoulder and arm are. They were not affected by the fall. It's months of not moving them through a full range of motion.

Today, I gave Twin E the choice of practicing the words on the list or just saying them. She chose to practice. Most of the students I work with have poor study skills. I teach them how to study and to move on when something feels secure. When not, repeat the exercise at least three times. Students have no sense of when they know something securely and when they don't.

I teach them how to memorize. Don't just look at the word and say the letters. See the letters in your mind, then hear the word in your head. The first involves just recognition. The second is 100% recall, both visual and auditory. Then, I worked with A on the words she missed in the 151-175 list. I noticed she had trouble following directions. I'd say, "Say the sound for the letter." She would say the word. I'm unsure if it's a problem with auditory processing or being too focused on what she thinks should happen. I also worked on comprehension with A. We're working with low third-grade material. The question in the passage is which freezes faster: salt water or fresh water? When I tried to illustrate the concept, I saw the problem. One doesn't freeze faster than the other; one freezes sooner than the other. Now, I'd like to know if that's the same thing. The concept of faster versus slower, or sooner versus later, had to be correlated with the falling of the thermometer. I learn so much with children who don't have basic understandings. Seeing it from their perspective changes how I look at the concepts I've taken for granted all my life.

I continued working on Hatchet with fifth-grade K. He's following pretty well. He is a bright child who just needed some explicit instruction. His intelligence may have created confusion when he saw too many options. He even knew what a metaphor was and understood the idea when the author wrote that the plane clawed through air on its ascent.

Darby told me that her friend in Hilo died. He'd been sick for a while, but she hadn't known it was that serious. She was deeply impacted by his death.

Tuesday, January 2, 2024

I chose a new program on my tapping app. I usually pick deep sleep. Last night, I decided on a calming program. It played repetitive music as the deep sleep program did. However, rather than calming me, it caused agitation. I shut it off and put on the sleep program I usually listen to.

When I woke up sometime in the early morning hours, the music had stopped. It does that just before the alarm goes off at five, but tonight, there was silence. I checked to see if the phone was dead. The battery was at zero. It had been plugged in all night. What happened? I wiggled the plug in the outlet, trying to make a connection. Nothing happened. Yesterday, I opened my electronics cleaning equipment: brushes and objects that look like a cross of a toothpick and a Q-tip. Assuming the Q-tip had left some fibers in the outlet, which would have blocked connections, I used compressed air to clean the outlet. I wasn't optimistic.

I absentmindedly plugged in the phone, planning to be at the T-Mobile store first thing in the morning. When I rechecked the phone, it was charging. The compressed air did the trick. I can't live without my phone anymore. It's on me constantly, mostly because I use it as my pedometer. I keep a record of my daily steps on it.

I noticed I have picked up some of Mike's quirts. I need to order more than I used to. I also leave drawers ajar. Mike left things open and turned on. I always checked the stove top burners after he cooked. He left drawers and doors ajar. I generally found it funny. I didn't laugh when, one morning, I discovered he had locked the front door but hadn't closed it.

One of the Ulu Wini students hugged me today as we ended our session. He said I really made that much of a difference. A little Kindergarten girl keeps asking me to work with her. I did today. She is ahead of some of the third graders who can't read at all. I will give her time when I can, but she has her mom to help her at home to boost her go-get-it attitude. I worked with third-grade L, who has problems with accuracy and decoding multi-syllable words; his mother tells me the school says he's behind in reading. I'm sure he is if he doesn't read accurately. I recommended he and his mother do a letter-naming activity to force him to pay attention to what's on the page. The task is to name the letters in sequence in any text. You can use what I wrote: y-o-u c-a-n- u-s-e, etc. He can do it with anyone who can see the text as he reads. When he makes a mistake, the other person gets to do it until they make a mistake. It's not as easy as it sounds. However, I find the biggest problem with the kids is memory. Some third graders are still trying to decode words in the 1-25 sight word list.

Wow! Wow! Wow! I had Adolescent D read the sight word list. He easily reeled off words from lists 1-175, only slowing down until he hit words 176-200. This would put him at the end of second grade. I know, I know. He's a sixteen-year-old boy in tenth grade; what's the big whoop. Trust me, it is a big whoop.

I bought the earphones I saw Yvette wearing the other day. The earbuds didn't go in her ears; they sat on her cheekbones. Wow! I bought the waterproof ones, anticipating wearing them in the shower. One never knows, do one? They were a pretty price, but they will be worth it if I don't have to walk around holding the phone. It will reduce my chance of falling.

Yvette also told me that one of her Zoom students said using the earphones improved her sound quality. I will have to try this myself.

I wasn't feeling 100% today. I didn't feel better working with the kids at Ulu Wini. Usually, getting involved with something clears up what ails me if it's not a real problem. Not only did my time at Ulu Wini not have a positive effect, I didn't feel better after my evening walk with Darby. I wondered what tomorrow had in store with me.

I had a socially awkward moment with Steve and Shannon. As part of my straightening project, I set off to give the cheap candy someone gave me for Christmas to Jazzy for her kids. I head out to their mailbox. As I exited my driveway, I ran into Steve and Shannon. I told them I would drop off this cheap candy in a neighbor's mailbox. Guess who gave me the cheap candy. Shannon said it was just given as a token. I said I understood that. I don't think I told them I appreciated being on their list.

I can't find a TV series or movie worth watching. I want a relaxing, brilliant series like ShlEand or Endeavor. Instead, I find movies and TV series that deal with one kind of perversity after another. Maddening.

Monday, January 1, 2024

Today was a pleasant, relaxing day devoted to getting chores done, like straightening up the disorder on the lanai as I’ve let things pile up. I spent the whole day alone reasonably happily until my evening walk with Elsa, Yvette, and her dog, Little. It was a good way to start the new year.