Friday, February 18, 2022

 Friday, February 18, 2022  

   B is back for a month. He lives in a small structure on our property. Mike and I embraced him as part of our ohana. He’d been on the mainland since last January, helping his stepmom take care of his dad. He was back on the island to work for Hawaii Stage and Lighting. He had come back once before for a couple of weeks. I asked B if he could call every day to say hello and check on me. Having someone say hello is one of the things I miss terribly now that Mike is gone. It’s the little things that tear at my heart. I had someone glad to see me every day and let it show. How lucky was I? B called in the morning. Then in the evening, he called to say he was going to town. Did I want anything? When he got home, he called to say he was in. Oh, boy. It’s not as good as having Mike, but small actions make all the difference. I told him how grateful I was. I think there are others I could ask to give me a daily call, short and sweet. Just hi, how are you? Thinking of you. Glad you are on this earth at the same time I am. 

    I slept well for most of the night. I woke up around 3, overstimulated. After taking a pee, I returned to bed and noticed my body was pounding.   I had no idea why. But I took care of that. I thought of reasons to be angry. Yay! My thoughts matched what was going on in my body. See, I wasn’t nuts. Again, does agitation start in the body, and the mind races in to explain it, or does it begin in the mind, which passes the agitation to the body? It was pretty clear which way it went tonight. I forced myself to stay in bed.

    I received an email inviting me to preregister for the Kaiser Permanente ophthalmologist appointment. When I signed on, it said I couldn’t preregister and needed to check it at the site. I got there early and looked forward to having some time to read my Kindle. When I announced my presence, I was called in immediately. The nurse had to do a precheck on my eyesight with a wall eye chart and check for glaucoma. 

    I was there because Meali’inani said my macular pucker was worse. The doctor said it was, but it was not a concern unless it affected my vision. My vision problem would manifest as wavy lines. He gave me a grid to use, the same one used to check on macular degeneration. I do not have that. The pucker can be addressed with surgery, but it’s a tricky procedure. I should only do it when my vision is so bad it’s worth the risk. I love that KP s doctors don’t make more money when they operate. However, Melissa, who worked as a KP doctor, said she only got $25 an hour for overtime. Really??!! As I pulled my car out of its parking slot, I caught sight of the doctor running toward me. I had left my phone in his office. How amazing s that?

   I had an appointment with Shelly. I was in deep distress. As usual, I wanted to work on old trauma. She didn’t want to do the work with me. She sees my current situation as bad. Her training teaches her not to work on past trauma if the current situation is troublesome; she feels that it has to be fixed first. I told her I disagreed with that. I like the Buddhist point of view that you always deal with yourself; change in circumstances will follow. She reluctantly agreed to work on the trauma of my relationship with my mother. I had to sit with the quiet recognition of all that was dark in our family. It followed that I had to make a separation from them. Shelly said this was the first time she heard me say that. Huh? I told her how I’ve separated myself from my family, even if I am a day late and a dollar short according to the preference of some members. But this separation was different. It was a separation comparable to someone quitting a club or even a religion. It results from recognizing that what is required to maintain membership in that community is simply unacceptable. Of course, since it’s my family, mother, father, and sister I’m talking about, I’m fortunate. That identity will never be lost entirely. However, it made me think of foster children who have no family to call their own. This is different from people who don’t speak to their families for one reason or another. I don’t know if anyone else gets the distinction between actual physical separation and a lost identity. It’s very real to me. 

    Darby called. She had some fruit for me. I showered, and Elsa and I headed out to her house. She gave me two papayas from her garden, one for me and one for Judy, and a few small bananas.

   I had to get home in time for my 1 pm appointment with the acupuncturist. Well, I thought it was at one. I called and texted. No response. At 1:15, I checked my calendar. I had the time wrong; it was at 1:30. She wasn’t here at 1:40.    

     The academic support person from Hawaii Preparatory School contacted me requesting an interview. I wrote a recommendation for 5th-grade W, and he wanted a follow-up interview. We had an appointment for him to call me after 3. When it was clear that something had gone wrong and the acupuncturist wasn’t coming, I contacted the school and told them he could call me now.

      I was arranging for him to call me earlier when the acupuncturist arrived at the door. I asked her if she was okay because it was now 2 pm. She was shocked. She had been watching the time. She had no idea what had gone wrong. We rescheduled for Tuesday, and she left when my phone rang. 

      The academic support guy from HPS was under the impression that W would need support, as indicated by her having a tutor. Her teacher reported a disparity between her performance in math versus reading and writing. We talked not only about her but about ourselves. I asked him if he could refer students to me. He said he was just about to ask. This would be great. I would love at least one more student. 

   Isaac sent me a podcast on some biblical issue. He said the podcast represents how he thinks about religion and the bible. I looked forward to listening to it. It would help me to see more about how he feels. He also asked if there was anything he could do for me. I had been checking on him daily as he was recovering from Covid. He had a bad flu case and was exhausted. His recovery was going well.

  When I walked, there was no pain in my feet. Can that little metatarsal pad make all that difference? Or is it the heel strike with the left foot that I start doing? Or is it the exercises the good doctor gave me, the calf stretches and toe crunches?   

   The metatarsal pads I ordered from Amazon came today. They are much larger than the ones the doctor gave me. I’m concerned they’re metatarsal cushions, which soften the blow on the metatarsals, rather than pads, which support the metatarsal arch.

  I’m tired and relaxed but too worked up to sleep. Not a good combination.