Monday, March 21, 2022

 Monday, March 21, 2022

 

    I was wide awake when I went to bed and had trouble falling asleep. I tossed and turned for a 

while and then used EFT to help me fall asleep. "Even though I can't fall asleep, I choose to fall asleep." I fell asleep before I finished all the rounds of tapping. I must remember to share this with all my friends who have trouble sleeping. Most won't be willing to try it, I'm sure.

    I woke up early but was able to doze on and off. I experienced that sinking sensation in my solar plexus that signals a bout of emotional agony. My only thought was of a blue T-shirt that faded to pink from being left out in the sun too long. I also noted it was 4 am. Why does this happen? The agony clears around the dinner hour.  

   I know damn well I'm not the only one who experiences agony, whatever that means. In that state, I can appreciate why people take to drink, drugs and even suicide. It's a misery. There's a difference between pain and agony. I know the difference when it involves muscles:  a pulled muscle can hurt like hell, but only the pain caused by a pinch or damaged nerve causes agony. My grief over the loss of Mike causes me pain; something else causes me agony. Mike helped shield me from this mental state. He could pull me out of it. For openers, he wouldn't listen to me go on and on. I remember clearly the first time he told me to shut up." He said, "I love you deeply. You have till Friday to fix this problem. After that, I don't want to hear about it anymore." (It was a Wednesday.)  I remember feeling, "Ah! I don't have to do this anymore." If only it were that simple.  

    There's a family member through marriage who I think is an agonizer. My mother wasn't an agonizer; she sought release through anger. Given the amount she suffered, I would say she was pretty restrained. Being her whipping boy didn't feel good, and I still struggled with the effect.

  Judy passed me heading home while I was out on one of my short walks. She stopped, and we talked. I used the occasion to remind her not to let me rail about whatever I was suffering. It's one thing to complain and say I'm in distress; agonizing is different. Judy and Damon are the only people who hear about my current life complaints in that tone. I've asked both of them to tell me to shut up. Judy said she didn't mind.   I told her I did. It's not good for me. I ask both of them to say, "I love you. Shut up!" I need to hear both. That was Mike's magic formula. It worked like a charm. 

     I planned to work on the heliconia, cutting the dead ones down to the ground. I hadn't been doing that. I used long shears to get as low as I could while standing. Eh! It left a two-inch stub. It didn't look that great. I felt up to getting on my knees and working closer to the ground. The other day I managed to haul myself to my feet after kneeling. However, it was problematic. Today, I arranged for a backup. First, I texted Yvette and Josh to ask if they would help me in the next half hour. They were both planning to leave. Then I call Mei, my next-door neighbor. She would be home and happy to help me.  

    I laid down a kneeling pad and lowered myself to my knees. I must be much stronger because I could hold myself up while on my knees. Previously, my left leg wasn't strong enough to do that. I had to sit back on my haunches. Since I knew I would have help getting up, I worked without regard to the complaints from my glutes.   Also, I was working within reach of the chain-link fence. I thought I could haul myself to my feet using it. When it came time to get up, hauling myself up using the fence did nothing. I couldn't get my legs under me for love nor money. Yvette was still home, so I tried her first. She knew what to do. She grabbed me by my hips and hauled me up. I had to ask her to step back to get my weight on my heels. Once there, I was fine. I walked back into the house without needing a stick.  

    While working on the updates, a window opened on my screen. It claimed to be from Microsoft and had something to do with my chain link, whatever that might be. It instructed me to put in my password. I had no password for my chain link. I tried everything. No password I put in worked, and I couldn't close the window. I texted Tommy, my computer techie, immediately telling him my computer had been kidnapped. He called me back in alarm.   He told me to turn off the computer because someone may have taken control of it. He would be by after work. 

   The Mother Goose book I bought to give Mei arrived. I walked it over to her house, but no one was home. When I returned to my house, I looked through the book. I was shocked. Most of the rhymes were unfamiliar. There were a few I recognized and knew well. Later in the afternoon, I tried again. Mei and Anna were home. I showed her the book. She said she had ordered it in Chinese, but it made no sense. They don't make much sense; the purpose is the rhymes. As children, we used it when we jumped rope or played games with our pink Spalding balls, bouncing them off the sides of buildings.  

    I told Judy how shocked I was to discover that few rhymes were familiar. She knew that already. She had used the book to teach Leon, her grandson, phonemic awareness through rhyming words. She said she didn't think her children were as familiar with these rhymes as we were. These rhymes are being lost more with each generation. What a shame! They are nonsense, or their meaning is so dark we don't want to share it with young children.

    First-grade M chose to write a story. There had been a 4.5 earthquake nearby. I missed it. I must have been out on one of my walks at the time. Darby, my neighbor, told me that Patrick heard the dishes rattle. M was closer to the epicenter and was thrown to the floor. Getting the details out of her was a challenge. We are all inclined to think our experiences, evident to us, are obvious to everyone. 

    I had the same experience with fifth-grade W. We went around in circles on one issue. She told the story of meeting her best friend early this year. They had never seen each other before. Why was that? Had W moved? Was the district's elementary school only up to the 4th grade, and did they all come to a middle school together? As it wound up, she hadn't moved. Her mother just switched her from one district elementary school to another. She didn't know why.   This is the first time; she will write a story from her life. 

   I spoke to the girls' mom after the session. I told her I thought both girls had made significant progress. She told me first grade M's teacher reported she was reading above grade level. I told mom that the information hadn't registered with M.  I suspected that neither the mom nor the teacher bothered to tell her. There is no positive feedback loop.

  I talked about W's progress while she was sitting there. Mom had complained that she wasn't willing or able to edit her writing. I described everything we had been doing. I saw a significant difference in her willingness to participate in this process. Mom said she had written a report recently. She had difficulty reading it because of her spelling. I asked her if she used complex sentence structures. Yes. I asked her if the organization of the paper was good. Yes. Again, pulling positive comments out of this woman is like pulling teeth. She said, "Thank you." I wasn't sure if she thanked me for my work with her children or for saying positive things about them. She also asked if I would be available over the summer. She was unable to find a summer school program for her girls. She wanted me to fill that void. My question is, Why does she want her girls to go to summer school in the first place?   

   Again, Isaac had proposed coming over to watch a film together. I texted him, "Not too late." It didn't work out again.