Friday, February 4, 2022

 Friday, February 4, 2022

    My left foot hurt this morning as I walked. It wasn't the ankle. There's no pain there and no swelling. The metatarsals of the two outside toes are squished together and pinch a nerve.

   I'm agitated, perpetually. Loneliness has hit hard. I feel fear all the time. When the littlest thing goes wrong, it hurts.  

     On Fresh Air the other day, a woman spoke on the impact of loneliness on our bodies. She looked at it from the perspective of evolutionary psychology as I do. Hypervigilance, fear, was a healthy response to being alone during our brain's development as a species. If we were alone, we were in danger. Every step could cause injury. Every sound could warn of an animal attack. If injured, there was no help. We were on our own.  

      The speaker said our cortisol count went up in those circumstances, and our immune system depressed. We didn't need to be concerned about catching something from someone in our group. When we were securely embedded in the group, our cortisol levels were down, and our immune system was boosted to protect us from contagion. 

   I had a session with Shelly. These sessions were once an indulgence, a way of exploring my psyche and, to a certain extent, the human mind. They are now necessities. The limit to studying the human mind while exploring my own is I'm only one sample of the human condition. I formulate theories and test them out on others. So far, my theory is broad enough and fits many of the people I've worked with. I'm always prepared for surprises.

   I came into today's session in a state of distress. Shelly, hearing that, tried to offer me practical solutions. I threw those off. I see myself as incapable of making good decisions when I'm in this state. Decisions must be made from a calm, clear mind, not one desperate to escape its current state. I don't see that ever as going well. I insisted that I had to work on my mental state, not what was happening outside of my mind. 

   Shelly then suggested I find the fear in my body. No, no, no. For the first time, I heard impatience in her voice. She had given me something to do, but I wouldn't do it. De Je Vu all over again. This is how therapists have responded to me for time immemorial.   It was scary hearing that in her voice. I commented on it to her. She said she didn't hear conflict. I said you've always supported me in applying my methods. Please, do that now. She did.

    I asked what I had to do (not to Shelly) to calm myself. I don't remember the sequence. I am sure I said something about this fear being a reprieve of my mental state as a child. I was in a constant state of panic, waiting for my mom's next verbal blast. Now, I'm able to maintain a calm, sane persona. People don't look at me and wonder why I'm a whirling dervish; my way of coping with the adrenaline output I had to live with. Experiencing it again, I had to wonder how I survived. This is hell.   

    Shadow images, dolls cut out of black construction paper came to mind. They came hurtling toward me. I saw them as my mother's vitriol. Each shadow figure represented one of her assaults. However, they just passed through me now. They didn't injure me. I think I have to take each one back instead of pushing it away as I did as a child. Letting it in allowed it to pass through me without damage. Holding them away, defending myself from the assaults, was my contribution to the damage I suffered. I don't know if I could have done it differently as a child. But I haven't been a child for many, many years. My mother, who remained difficult but became softer, died on October 16, 2001. Let it be noted: I miss her. However crazy she was, she did care about me and my well-being. Too bad she was the worst and the best in my life. 

     I had an appointment with the dentist to see if the Snap-On teeth I ordered would work. This is the second set. The first didn't fit. The dentist examined the first pair and found a flaw. He thought the mold had broken and glued back together. There had been problems with dental lab work. The dentist thought it was because of Covid; it was hard to keep good workers.  

    Why would I get a set of Snap-On teeth? What are they? They are a plastic mold you fit over your own teeth. No, you can't eat with them. The plastic is fairly flimsy. It would crack on the first serious bite. They're cosmetic. I got them for my Zoom presentations, well, some of them. I don't need them when I speak over a slide show. For those presentations, my image is in a small box. No one will pay attention to my teeth. However, I want to discuss forming and blending the individual phonemes. I will need the full screen for those sessions, and attention will be focused on my mouth. When watching others on Zoom, I was aware of people's teeth, particularly their bottom teeth, which are not very good-looking on me. All my teeth are veneered or capped except for the bottom five in the front. Those lone five front teeth are crooked and discolored, contrasting sharply with the rest of my mouth. I don't want them to be a total distraction. 

    The new set snapped in with a bit of effort. The dentist told me it would get easier with practice and usage. The usage would wear down some edges and loosen them a bit. I had to practice putting them in and taking them out. 

   After the dentist, I needed a nap, one of the great pleasures of retirement. I set the alarm for 3:50 because I had a 4 pm appointment with the acupuncturist. I woke up around 3:30. When I first moved to Hawaii, naps would run up the two and a half hours, and I had no trouble sleeping at night. No more. That's good. 

      The acupuncturist was running a little late. No worries. We met in my home in the guest bedroom with all the windows open rather than her little windowless office. I was concerned about Covid. The only place I found discomfort or pain was in my feet. She found edema in my right calf, the foot with the hammertoe. I understand the muscles running up the outside of the calf have an important role in controlling the toes. That may be the cause. The acupuncturist put most of the needles in my feet, both of them. OW! Man, that hurt. This is the only time I felt pain with the needle insertions. I hoped this would be good news for all the problems I had.

   I finished watching Rent. As with Tick, Tick . . .  Boom, I couldn't watch it all at once. Larsen's work that I've seen all focuses on the victimization of the underclass. Frustration and tragedy. I tried to watch Murder Call afterward. That was even worst. I won't watch anything featuring a psychopathic predator. I'm lucky to have nothing like that in my life. Why would I welcome it in?