Wednesday, February 9, 2022
I had some difficulty falling asleep last night. I did deep breathing to calm my mind and my soul. I slept well then. When I woke up, the thoughts started again. Loneliness is pressing in on me.
Both my feet bothered me this morning. I hadn't worn the sling on the hammer toe on my right foot for a while. I did today. The problem hadn't been getting worse. Doing Graston using the gua stone every evening was working.
Because Terry, my PT, declared that the problem was with my right leg, I worked on getting more on turning out that hip as I walked. Too bad my feet were bothering me. I got an appointment reminder from Kaiser for the podiatrist on the 16th. I doubt there is much a doctor can do for me. The physical therapists and chiropractor have recommended exercises and inserts already. I hoped he could help me with my fungused toenail.
I edited my update post for February 9, 2021, and posted it on the public blog. It is the writing that keeps me going. It occupies my mind and helps me feel like I'm doing something. I feel engaged. Some would prefer to read. I prefer to write. Writing engages my mind and my soul.
I've become aware of how different behaviors are safe for other people. For me producing, speaking, or writing feels safer. I certainly have toned that down over the years. Looking back over the years, I preferred talking because I was terrified to find out what the other person had to say. I certainly was afraid of what was on my mother's mind. I had good reason to fear it.
Then some people don't speak and prefer to listen. Some people don't talk because they fear how others will judge them. They're not good listeners; they're reluctant talkers. There are other ways of accomplishing that: limit the topics that can be discussed. Nowadays, I often prefer to be the listener because it distracts me from my own thoughts. That has nothing to do with being interested in the other person's story. I happen to be interested. Like Judy and Paulette, I always want to know about others. Why are they the way they are? What influenced their life choices? Why do they do one thing versus another? Endlessly interesting. Each person is as unique as a snowflake. It's amazing.
I drove to Holualoa around 12:30 to pick up sourdough rye from the Sundog bread company, one unsliced for me and a sliced for Judy. No one was in line when I arrived shortly after 1 pm. The couple who run the bakery set up a tent in the town parking lot and sell their wares every Wednesday from 1-4 pm. They sell out each time. They used to be in the parking lot two days a week, but they got business from the restaurants and hotels and cut their public offering to one.
I told the woman I couldn't order online on Monday afternoon. She was somewhat annoyed and said no one else had a problem; they had many orders come in on Monday afternoon. I also told her the last time I ordered, I couldn't order the unsliced, only the sliced. She said again no one else had problems. It was only me.
I had Mama K's crew this afternoon. We tried to use the computer I gave them. Whada bust! It was painfully slow, and the sound system didn't work in either direction. The kids couldn't hear me, and their voices were warbling. The kids used their mother's phone. More important than being on Zoom, each child was in a somewhat secluded area away from the other nine people living in the house, five of which are other children.
None of Mama K's crew had thought about something they wanted to write. However, pulling an idea out of them and getting details wasn't difficult. I heard an improvement in the verbal expression skills of all three. It's hard to know the cause of the improvement; there's maturation, opportunities for oral expression at school, their writing exercise with me, and listening to the 5 Stories audiofile
I got a phone call from a twenty-two-year-old client of Shelly's who wanted to move to Hawaii and set up a business. Shelly had asked if she could contact me to ask if she could stay in my home for a while. I wound up being an untenable relationship. The young woman was at the extreme end of passivity. I have learned that I don't get along with personalities like that.
When I answered the phone, she said Shelly had told her to call. (I don't remember the exact words. Maybe she even said her name.) Then her voice trailed off, leaving me feeling it was my job to speak next. "Yes, I was expecting your call. Shelly said you would get into business here in Hawaii." To which she responded. "Yes, I want to move to Hawaii," I repeated my question. "Oh, no. I don't have a job there." And then nothing. I knew the objective of this phone call was to see if she could stay in my home as a guest while she figured out her life here. I waited. She said nothing. I waited. She still said nothing. Her tone throughout the conversation was to create a void for me to fill. I did nothing.
It was clear. The young woman was unable to ask for what she wanted. Her silence suggested that she expected me to bring up the topic of her staying in my home, not her. I said, "I'm a highly interactive personality. I've had a lot of experience with people. I have learned that I can't get along with people who don't ask questions and don't ask for what they want. This is an unworkable situation for me. (I believe I told her I was in emotional distress as it was, and living with someone I couldn't get on with was something I wouldn't take on.) She responded, okay.
I wrote Shelly later in the day to tell her what happened. I found it a bruising experience, having to reject someone so bluntly. I was concerned for the girl. I thought that Shelly would be angry at me for not being kinder to such a vulnerable girl. She wrote me back quickly to tell me the girl would be fine. She was sorry I had to have this experience, particularly in my vulnerable state. Her assurance that the girl would be fine led me to think that this girl would dismiss me as weird. Oh, boy. Typical passive-aggressive. I assume the girl is an introvert. Are all introverts passive-aggressive? Isn't it possible to have one that can set their own boundaries and ask for what they want?
While I don't recommend this experience to anyone, there is an upside. I better understand the type of person I could live with. I can detect those I can't get on with and avoid a bad situation for myself and them. I have something close to an interview format by now. I'm sure it won't eliminate all problems. The person has to be someone who can ask for what they want, accept no for an answer, and be interested in negotiating without pushing their point too far. They also have to be someone I can ask something of and be willing to negotiate with me if their first response is no. They have to be interested in knowing more about me and find my interest in learning more about them enjoyable. They don't have to be well educated or particularly knowledgeable on any topic. But they can't be uncomfortable with my verbal ability, knowledge, or interest in discussing concepts. If they have a limited interest in my ideas, they should be able to say, "Not now." There is no reason someone should share my degree of interest in a topic any more than I should share an interest in theirs. But as Yvette has pointed out, I'm interested in everything-except cooking.
After an admittedly superficial search of the internet, I couldn't find terms to describe interaction ranges in positive relationship styles. They focus on the negative and lump good relationships as just secure. But there are all sorts of ways of achieving that end.
Avoidant/parallel play______________________________________interactive/ enmeshed
independent connected
Judy stopped over and brought me two gallons of Kangen water. They had been buying it from a supplier every three days. Paulette finally bought the machine that processes the water. This is tricky stuff. The device does something to affect the PH of the water. The effect lasts only three days. You must keep the water in a closed container, or the PH alters. Jeez, Louise! The water is supposed to be very good for you. Someone reported having fewer stomach issues. I had none to start out with. I wonder if I will ever see a difference.
I hadn't heard from Isaac for a couple of days. I texted him. He contracted Covid. It must have been from his new friends with who he played an outdoor game unmasked. He was sick as a dog. I asked if there was anything I could do for him. He said he wanted some soup. I decided to call him, give him a choice o the type of soup and bring it over. The next thing I knew, I had a text saying he had walked to my house, and there was nothing in the mailbox. Oh, well.
No comments:
Post a Comment