Thursday, February 17, 2022

 Thursday, February 17, 2022

     I slept but not well. News of the depth of my foot problem haunted me all night. Will I never be able to walk for a mile again? It sounds serious. The damage to my foot sounds irreparable. I jokingly said something about amputation to the doctor. He didn't say no. I need more information. Since I couldn't sleep, I did some of his recommended exercises. I flexed my ankles to stretch my calves and curled my toes to strengthen those muscles. I also started thinking of questions I had for the good doctor.  

  As I woke, I remembered a friend who was anxious to come to Hawaii to help with Mike's recovery. After he died, she called to say she wouldn't come at all. I didn't take that too personally because she had been clear before, when we were both healthy, that she wouldn't come. I neither expected her to fulfill her promise to help me take care of Mike as he recovered nor did I expect her to come after he died. Going out of her way to tell me was a little jarring but not disturbing in the long run. I didn't know why she responded as she did, but I didn't take it personally.

    Many years ago, this friend told me she didn't like me. It's like the world conspires to fulfill my mother's prediction. So far, the ones who say that are introverts, and a surprising number are language majors, as in French and Spanish. Of course, introverts don't like me. Worse yet, they don't set their boundaries. They think it's my job to know. I don't really get along with them, either. At any rate, I heard her voice in my head, which would have been okay if I had Mike, but I don't. Boy, that hurts.

    My foot buzzed and throbbed.   Besides the calf stretching exercises, I put a block at the foot of my old-lady chair. I put the front of my foot upon it. That means my calf is constantly getting a stretch, well, more of a stretch than if I didn't.

   B texted me to ask for a ride to the garage to pick up the van he dropped off the other day. That garage had given him a $5000 estimate. While the truck belongs to the company he works for, and they're paying for the repairs, they would like a lower estimate. B has been checking out other garages. Getting a decent mechanic here is a problem. B said many guys he knew left for the mainland because they couldn't make it here. On the other hand, Edwin at JAWS is pulling his hair out because he has too much business and no one reliable to help him.  

   Things are topsy-turvy on several fronts. B's nephew just graduated from nursing school. He put out 60 applications and didn't get one offer. The guy had good grades, and I heard all hospitals desperately needed nursing staff. Why, then, can't he find a job? Very weird.

   I spent most of the day in Mike's library watching DVDs from Netflix he and I ordered long before he died. I watched Shakespeare Retold today. These were modern-day stories with some of the themes of Shakespeare's plays. The first was supposed to be based on Much Ado About Nothing. The main love story might have had something in common with that. There was also an Othello theme running at the same time. 

   While I watched, I went through my saved computer files, deleting many and looking for the documents I wrote on my methods for teaching reading and writing. I had much less to do these days. I could have asked for a tutoree from Step Up. I was sure they would love to give me one. But I didn't feel I could handle frustration at this point. I was too burdened by grief and a sense of not being enough. It was tearing me apart. I'm more comfortable in retreat, withdrawn. I hope it doesn't get too much worse. It's counterproductive. The more I withdraw, the less I will have, and the scarier reaching out to others will feel. I wasn't sure how to deal with the problem. I did love being curled up, watching the movie out of one eye, and looking for a file with the other. I printed a document I needed for my taxes. This downtime is perfect for getting my taxes done and making more videos. I asked Judy if I could bounce some of my ideas off her for the Phase III video. I was confused about how to present it.

   I had adolescent D in the late afternoon. Yes, he read in class today. He thought he was able to read the material. No, he made no effort. But then it came out; he sounded out the words. That is called making an effort and using skills.  

    We worked on the topic we started on when we met on Tuesday, his inability to pay attention. D keeps his eyes on the teacher. That's not his problem. He doesn't fidget or distract himself with other activities. His problem is he doesn't invest. We all pay attention by degrees; we focus intensely on things we are interested in. For D, this means paying attention when his uncle teaches him how to edit videos or hearing his parents in the next room talking about someone he knows. 

   I drew a picture of the bullseye and arrows at various distances from the center to represent degrees of attention. I don't know about everyone's problems with paying attention, but emotion is a big part of D's problem. When he doesn't know what someone is talking about, he feels stupid and withdraws. 

   I worked with the image of the prefrontal cortex, telling the unconscious part of the brain that his life wasn't in danger in 2022 if he couldn't read. The PFL got it; no worries. Then he had to have that part of his brain inform the rest of his brain of that reality. He is not living a million years ago in the group. Besides, his ability to read would not have been an issue a hundred thousand years ago. They were looking for other skills. He found the exercise relaxing. That is what I look for. If the person feels more relaxed, what we did was effective.

   My instructions were to observe where his attention was in all situations, not to seek to make any changes. It's essential to keep this a relaxing activity. I hope some changes will happen automatically as his unconscious processes the reality of his current situation.The goal is for him t pay attention even when he knows nothing about a topic. D has spent most of his time in school checked out. He has missed a world of knowledge and a half.